and THAT's why you don't use a one-armed person to scare someone

N: Can I dropkick you?
M: No, you'll hurt yourself.
N: No, seriously. You can just stand, uh, over there (points to area near front door) and I'll come running around from the bathroom and then jump up and kick you with both feet at once. It'll be awesome.
M: No.
N: C'mon! It'll take like three seconds. It's only fair, I went to see the Nutcracker ballet with you yesterday, and that was like an hour and a half. All I'm asking for is three seconds.
M: No.
N: You are so selfish. This is why we will never get married. Because you won't let me dropkick you.

the Xmas holiday means a three-day weekend, so I'll be in the town of my birth from about noon on Saturday until 2 pm on Monday or so. Anyone who wants to ditch their family can let me know.

Oh, that reminds me, I now have a cellular telephone. I'm not sure how I feel about it. My newly purchased ringtone is 'the final countdown' by europe. Luckily no one calls me, because no one knows the number. Plus, you know, I have a phone at home and work already.

Xmas shopping is done, we had our office xmas party last week, it was eight beers of a good time.

Best of 2005 should be finished up in the next couple days, I'm pretty sure 'trapped in a closet' is NOT going to make the cut. I'll be bringing a few copies home for the weekend, the others will be mailed out next week after the assembly line churns them out and I buy enough envelopes. I lost everyone's addresses who got one last year, so everyone should send me an email to remind me (scentralrain@yahoo.com).

Like a Kitten in a Blender

The Charlie Brown Christmas special is way overrated. The beginning is okay, sets the premise nicely, C.B. is depressed about Christmas. Okay, awesome. Then we have roughly 18 minutes of filler, as the kids dance around to the Vince Guaraldi soundtrack and bitch at CB for awhile. Bore City. Then we have Linus (who, I've never realized, is kind of a douche) speech about the baby Jesus and whatnot, which causes my very liberal (and possibly atheistic) mind to cringe violently. CB runs off to kill himself or something, and the rest of the asshole kids turn his tree with four pine needles into a perfect triangular Xmas tree masterpiece, following by the humming then singing of hymns, and the end credits. Bullshit. Two yawns up.

Speaking of the upcoming holiday, I've yet to do any sort of shopping. I have a few ideas. For instance, the Lagattas are getting the basketball that was supposed to be part of their wedding gift but which stupid Sears decided to vaporize. M will get a pair of diamond earrings (well, she wants one diamond, so how much better will two be?). My parents will get the same cheap crappy things they ask for every year, unless I can think of anything better. Hopefully I'll be inspired to shop soon, next year I'll do everything on some boring October day. I hate the crowds. And I've been too busy at work to shop online.

Last weekend was the semi-annual weekend of excitement and fun. And getting lost on the north side. Friday I went to see the Black Keys, alone since my coworker backed out. It was a good show, and I sold my extra ticket without a loss. Only problem was that I left my house at 8 pm, got home about 1 am, and the show lasted only an hour. I tried taking the bus to the el, but that took forever, then when i got off the train I went the wrong way, so then I finally found the place and found the person who said she was going to buy my ticket, and then some sort of chaos happened. I'm too confused to tell the story, but it ended up taking me another 15 minutes to get rid of my ticket. I got inside for the opening act's last song. the opening act was this 60ish dude who put a soul record out in the sixties, then retired until now. The song he played was his big hit, called 'Love and Affection in the House of Correction', which, now that I think about it, could be the most disturbing song title in the history of modern music. The song also repeatedly contained the phrase 'shake what your momma gave ya,' and I'm not sure if he, Nathaniel Mayer, coined it himself or if it existed prior, or if he just added it to the 05 version of the song. The dude's voice, unfortunately, due to far too many years of hard living, was barely one step about the people who have to hold an electronic voicebox to their throats to speak. Then I waited around for about a half hour, then TBKs came on and rocked out, but didn't do anything different than when I saw them at Lolla this summer. I left and took el plus bus home, took forever, and by then my quickly induced buzz from five hours earlier had worn off.

The next day I got up and went back up north, this time to meet some coworkers at a bar at 1130 am. I didn't leave the bar til 330, and when I did it was to go to someone's apartment and drink more. I also had my first cigarette and first hit of pot since 2003, both of which were ultrafantastique. I didn't head back home until 930, and of course I got lost and it took me nearly an hour and a half. Best day ever? Best in a couple months, anyway.

I've decided that the Daily Show is only good during the election season. I mean, it's funny and everything, but mostly all that happens is they show a clip of W making as ass of himself, and then J. Stewart looks at the camera. Which is funny, don't get me wrong, but why do we need the middleman? We could just gather around some pals and pop in a tape of GW, hilarity ensues. Well, kudos to the Daily Show's editors at least. But I've actually been enjoying the Colbert Report more, since it's actual satire.

Funny in my last post: I criticized Wake Forest's free throw shooting skillz, and they end up hitting 26 for 29 in beating the badgers by 3.

I still keep hearing a rumor that I'm getting a cellphone. Maybe this week, even.

Upcoming events: Friday is our office holiday potluck. Most people are boycotting due to the recent firings. M said she'd make some brownies for me. Out of a box. Sweetness. Friday night is M's holiday party, which means free drinks for me. Check the 12/04 archives for a recap of last years exciting event.

Til I Get My Way

Tonight I get the rare opportunity to watch the UW basketball Badgers play on TV, thanks to newfound cable and the big ten/acc challenge. "We've" already struggled with Eastern Kentucky and Old Dominion this year, the former being a come from behind double OT thrilla, and are on the road at Wake Forest, but I think we have a shot, Wake commits too many turnovers and can't shoot free throws.

Thanksgiving weekend was spent in the confines of my apartment, save for a brief foray downtown on saturday night. M's family arrived to provide the kind of shocking drama you only usually see in movies or on TV. No details here, sorry. Otherwise I picked up a whopping 5 games on my dad in our family football pick em pool, going from being down 2 to up 3, giving myself a realistic chance to have the best pigskin prognosticating record in my immediate family for the first time since 1992. But seriously, who would pick Detroit, even on Thanksgiving? I fear for his mental health.

Only four thousand words to go before I give up non-bloggy writing forever. December is National Start Exercising and Lose at Least Five Pounds and Stop Feeling Sluggish All The Time and Maybe The Approximately Three Liters of Scotch I've Drank While Writing Has Something To Do With It Month. Ab-roller, it's been far too long. What, I have a free exercise room in my building? Who knew?

I'm crazy exited about this. Best of 2006 for sures! Speaking of, if anyone wants a best of 2005 CD who didn't get one last year, let me know by the middle of December. I begin working my mix-tape magic next week!

Music: I'm seeing The Black Keys on Friday at the Metro, I'm super excited. Haven't been to a show in so long, and these guys are grrreat. Problem is the coworker I am supposed to go with is suddenly trying to flake out on me.

How long are Thanksgiving leftovers good for? We've inherited enough food to feed a small elite ninja squad for a week, but I've barely made a dent in it. That said, dinner tonite: Thanksgiving leftovers.

A couple months ago I got a mailing with an offer for a discounted subscription to MAXIM magazine. Usually, I just throw these in the trash absentmindedly, but this one I didn't throw away immediately, mostly because I was lazy. M says "Are you going to get MAXIM?" I said "eh?" She says, "i don't care, you can get it if you want" and I say "Fine, I'll get it!" and sent back the subscription card. Now I have an eighteen-month subscription to fucking MAXIM. I've already received two issues. Pictures of breasts? Check. Sarcastic captions in small-print? Check. Content that reads like it's trying to target a man so one-dimensional that he would be more realistic and multi-faceted if his sole characteristics and personality were derived from a 1987 Elaine Boosler stand-up comedy special? Ch-ch-check. I can barely page through a whole issue without getting a headache, and the pictures aren't even that great. I have a theory that the magazine is actually written and edited by a bunch of smart guys who read Harper's on the subway ride home from work. Then they go to work the next day, and say, "Okay, let's make our magazine for guys who are too stupid to get through the articles in Esquire or GQ and live in their stepmom's basement." I have made many mistakes in my life, and this ranks in the top 1000.

The engine of the corporate machine is greased with the blood of the working man, Or, Rise Up, Comrades!

The corporate world sucks. Yesterday eight of my coworkers were 'let go.' It's a pretty big chunk, considering our company has only maybe 60 people or thereabouts. A couple of the people who were fired weren't very good employees, and I would've fired them a long time ago if I had the power. But some were, and one had been here 27 years.

I dodged the bullet since either:
A) My wide range of knowledge is too valuable to risk losing
B) I get paid less than everyone else who works here, by far.

I'm not sure if this is really a corporate thing, either. Are there any jobs that don't work like this? Doctors don't get downsized, do they? Lawyers? The big problem is that people get rich by finding the least amount of people to work for the least amount of money. My dad lost his job, along with everyone else is his factory, a few years ago because of this. I figure I am safe for now, since my (alleged) future potential and low wages deem me worth keeping, despite my relatively low production. But at what point does the balance shift? In five years? Ten? I don't know, but something tells me I won't be sticking around to find out. Of the eight who were fired, I don't think any were younger than 40. Maybe one in their late 30s or so. If I was to get fired once in my life, I'd want it to be when I was 26 instead of when I'm 46 with six kids and a house.

This weekend will be spent doing laundry and writing. One of the guys who got fired is my opponent in this week's Fantasy Football game, so I'll feel guilty if I win. Though both of us should be in the playoffs either way.

Taste the Happy!

You are all probably a lost cause by now, but you can buy the Season 1 and Season 2 DVDs of Arrested Development from amazon for only $31.94 (scroll down to Best Value)

I've gots blistahs on me fingahs!

Note to any aspiring writers out there: If you are attempting to write a novel in a month, or in any length of time for that matter, it would be a good idea if you had some idea of a plot when you were nearly half done. At the very least, at least have one very defined and interesting character, someone who could carry the reader even if there wasn't much of a plot. Coincidentally, I have neither of these in any of my 18797 words or 55 pages so far. I write bad sentences, but can't delete them, wary of the hit my word county would take. So, it's all crap. This weekend i wrote zero words on friday, over 3000 on saturday (mostly all after 10 pm) and another couple thousand yesterday. I'm still 3K behind where I should be, and am thinking about staying in my apartment alone over thanksgiving weekend in order to make finishing possible. Since my only other option is traveling to Iowa, it's quite possible.

Spending 60 hours a week at a computer limits the number of humorous anecdotes I may have, unless you count scoring an all-time high with my Samkon Gado-led fantasy football team and still getting beat. (the WSs are now in a third place tie with a 6-4 record, for shame!)

I was just thinking it would be awesome if sometime next spring I came upon a large sum of money. I want to travel again, 2k3-style. With my current job I've already broken the record of most consecutive months in full-time employment by the same company, without getting a five month break in the middle to drink a lot and feel depressed. I have business cards now. I actually met with a financial advisor last week, and he tried to make me discuss some vague plans for retirement. RETIREMENT! Are you kidding me? I hemmed and hawed for a bit, then threw down a smoke bomb and escaped to go home and play Nintendo and eat Nachos.

Two sips from the cup of human kindness and I'm shit-faced

It's Friday afternoon, I'm just getting over a little 'our company is doing so poorly and I'm the person with the least experience so maybe I'll get downsized today' ride to work this morning. I planned on telling everyone off and spending the rest of the weekend drunk. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad. HA!

Real weekend plans include:
tonight: ?
tomorrow: try to catch up on NaNoWriMo. I've got 13,290 words so far (officially the longest piece of writing by me, evah), two pages of which are actually semi-decent, by my low standards. The other 40 are shit. Seriously. Garbage. My plan is to try and write 1800 tonight after M goes to sleep and write 5000 tomorrow in three shifts, which will catch me up to where I should be. Should be manageable, aside from the UW/Iowa game I've got nothing to do. If you are interested, you can see my progress here. Remember, it's all about quantity, not quality.

Last weekend my parents came, and it was OK. We stayed in the neighborhood the whole time they were here, went out to eat a couple times, went to the MoS&I, and played 'Cranium,' which seemed to make my dad sick with embarrassment. It was a little weird.

Found out today the Arrested Development has been cut from 22 to 13 episodes this season, and will inevitably be cancelled for real this year. I'm not surprised, but obviously it sucks. Last monday featured the two best eps of the season. 'The jury is still out on science.' ha, ha, cry.

I remember when I was a little kid, and my dad watched the Packer game every Sunday, even though the team would always be 4-12 or 6-10 for the season. I really didn't get into football until I was 12 or 13, which was when the packers started winning. Now, as my team sits at 1-7 for the year, it just seems surreal. I mean, they really don't seem THAT bad, just a few plays away from having a 4-4 record. Is this just denial on my part? Maybe. At least we'll do better next year when we have a cake schedule.

I'm the worst blogger evah lately, but better than most of my readers, at least. Honestly you guys.

Last night I convinced M to leave the apartment on a school night and go see 'Pickpocket' at the Music Box Theater. I call it one of my fave movies ever, but I had only seen it once before, while in school. Criterion collection DVD comes out this month, ch-ch-check it out. Worth it for the train (& train station) scene alone.

Just this minute I saw a piece of paper underneath my monitor stand that was from the person who lived in my cube before me. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to pull it out. Now my black pants are covered in dust. Rad.

I'm trying to read a borrowed copy of David Foster Wallace's 'Infinite Jest' this month. It's so good, but going to take me awhile. Also, due to its influence, I've started using footnotes in my 'novel.' (IJ actually uses endnotes) Also bought 'The Better of McSweeneys' online for only $13. Looks great, but it'll have to wait for a bit.

One day after I signed an online petition to not allow drilling in the ANWR, the provision was taken out of the house bill. Coincidence? Maybe, but that reminds me I should sign the annual 'Save Arrested Development' petition right now.

Post of substance will return someday.

Trapped in the closet, chapters 6-8

Tonight my parents are visiting. I need to clean the bathroom and make the bed. They are staying in the 'hospitality suite' in my building, and leaving sunday early enough to make it home before the 3:15 packer game. They'll probably arrive too late tonight to do much, but I hear that tomorrow we'll go to the Museum of Science and Industry. Should be good times, haven't seen them for four months, and the time apart always makes our meetings more pleasant. That, and the fact that usually we end up all drinking together as well.

My novel has 5440 words to date, only 44,560 to go. I'll probably fall behind this weekend. So far it is the worst thing ever. Stay tuned.

I will no longer do the Devil's Dishes

Today at work, while sending off a last minute super urgent need this yesterday document to a client, I marveled at my impressive work ethic. You see, it was quite late, and, though tempted by the chance to go home, I stuck it out and made some magic happen. (this was after I found out I lost both of the two biggest accounts I've seen since August). The brief moment spent 'in the zone' made up for the late hours.

Until I realized that it was only 15 minutes later than I usual stay. Since it was dark by 4:15 I lost track of things. I wonder if I should go into work earlier during the winter? It's weird, now I've been getting up around 7:45 and getting to the office at 8:50; at my previous job I got up at 6:30 and to work by 8 on the dot. I rarely stay up past 11, so that means way too much sleep. Granted, some of that sleep is spent hitting the snooze bar 8 times before M finally leaves, I'm not sure how much of that counts.

Last weekend sucked. I should have been getting tear-gassed on State St, instead I ended up staying home and did nothing. I had a party invite, but it was on the north side and I didn't have a clear transportation plan for the way home. As promised, Saturday morning I did shave my 40 day beard into the most hideous moustache ever. M came home around 5 pm. I think if she would have found me in bed with 2 girls and a guy she would have been less pissed off. Despite protest, it stayed attached until the next day, and was showed off for all the neighborhood to see. Now I look 8 years younger and have a spring in my step.

I just finished the "Veronica Mars" season 1 dvd. Highly recommended. Once I catch up on the new episodes I've taped it will join AD as the only shows worth watching. But I doubt it will ever live up to the first season.

The novel writing starts tomorrow, and as of now I am serious about it. I just looked at something I wrote in a week a few years ago (while unemployed, granted) and it was 12,000 words. So I had the pace right, at least. Please leave any random elements or characters you'd like featured in my first novel in the comments section. I will include them in my story, and email you the section in which it occurs. If it turns out semi-non-horrible, I may find a way to post the whole thing. We'll see what happens. I figure once my November is over, I'll be able to devote December to the best of 2k5. Lots of tough choices to make already.

Believing is Art

The recent 'SWOMF' had its moments, and seemed to be sufficiently magical enough. I did get to watch both of the baseball games, plus go to the Art Institute, but also had to endure migraine-inducing shopping and foot the dinner bill. I am semi-shocked to say that M and I have vaguely similar tastes in art (nothing made before 1900, as a rule). We seemed to spend the most time in the 'contemporary' section. One exhibit was simply a large rectangle filled with brightly wrapped candies. The small card, hidden out of most views, said we were free to take pieces of candy and eat them. So, naturally, I'd repeatedly wait until the room was full of people, then loudly walk over and take a piece of candy, while everyone else waited in horror for security to come and drag me away.

Bonus: The candy was delicious, I had both orange and grape.

Last night: "I'll be to bed soon, the game is in the bottom of the eighth inning..." yawn...

So now that M is finally working harder and longer hours again, I'm going to have a lot more free time on my hands. It just so happens that November is National Novel Writing Month. I've signed up on the website, the deal is you have to write 50,000 words in 30 days. 1,667 words per day. That really didn't sound too tough, except it seems that this blog has only been 18,000 words in the last 8 months. Plus, I haven't written a word of fiction in a million years. But, I signed up, and with you as my witness, will attempt to succeed while documenting my progress here. Just think, someday soon you get to read about my writing something else that will inevitably be too horrible for you to ever read. It's blogger sweeps month!

For some reason I'm having an itch to go bowling. No idea.

I may shave my beard into a mustache just for the weekend. I need to get rid of it so I can get passport photos taken next week. Are there any halloween costumes that involve 5-week mustaches?

A Punch in the Swomf

Because this is M's last completely free weekend until sometime in January, I have dubbed this weekend as her Swomf. That stands for Special Weekend Of Magical Fun. Believe it or not, I thought of that off the top of my head! (ok, just kidding, it took a 75 minute brainstorming session and an impromptu focus group.)

Here is what the Swomf entails: M gets to decide what we'll do the entire weekend, and I will pretend to like it. She wants to go see a cheap musical? OK, I'm down with that. She wants to go shopping? Um, sure, we just went last week, but OK. She wants to cuddle and talk about marriage? Awesome, I'd much rather do that than watch the White Sox game and drink a dozen beers. If I make it through this alive I'm officially retiring with my 'Best Boyfriend Ever' title intact. Next weekend: Lots of booze and whores. No, scratch that. Every weekend for the rest of the year: lots of booze and whores.

Last weekend was great, save for the four hour block of shopping in the middle. Otherwise, free hotel meant fancy expensive dinners two nights in a row. Plus, the hotel even had a basketball hoop. I won a 45 minute game of horse (barely).

In 27 years, I've drank 50,000 beers

So the big top 100 list wasn't quite the big hit I envisioned. A modest success, maybe, but no 'punch in the face game' for sure. Oh well.

A couple weeks ago I saw SLGTM play at an ultra-hip bar. We went with a coworker of mine and his girlfriend. It was a solid show as always, sax player was replaced by second guitarist, heard some new songs plus a encore cover of 'Purple Rain' that was surprisingly good for being improvised.

Last week we saw Mates of State, time number 9 for me. Another good show and more new songs. Only problem was, and I feel incredibly old for complaining, that there were a few girls, I'm not sure how old (it was 18+, but I think they had drinks) who were next to us that were dancing with each other so excitedly that I would get bumped by someone's ass at least 90 times per song. Now, I'm not one to discourage ass-bumping, but there is a time and place for it. We weren't even up near the front of the room, more like the middle, and everyone around us was relatively sedate. At first I was glad that they were so excited, they obviously knew all the songs and were having the time of their lives. But then they bumped M. a few times, which instantly made her so angry that I thought I was going to be forced to break up a FITE! We changed positions a little, and I withstood most of their abuse with M stood with her sharp elbow pointed towards them. After a while I said something to one of them, but that didn't help at all. In fact, I may have been elbowed intentionally and hit with a purse. After the next song they calmed down, but they had done their damage. Thanks a lot, bitches!

I officially have cable. As of yesterday afternoon. Cable people visit #4 finally paid off. After two and a half weeks and about 800 calls to the cable company. Good news: they are waiving the installation charge. Isn't that nice? However, I can see this causing some domestic problems down the road with only one TV. My goal is to avoid watching TLC and the food network as much as possible, while getting M. to appreciate South Park. Pretty underwhelming stuff so far.

I last shaved 21 days ago. I woke up and thought, eh, so tired, for about three days in a row, and then it was on. Now some of my coworkers are starting a 'beard contest'. This is fine with me, except the contest is based on length of time not shaving, not quality of beard. Plus it just started yesterday, so my 'head-start' is worthless. I'm also worried by the fact that when three people (out of six) are left with beards, this turns into a moustache contest. That is going to be horrifying.

Hey, Arrested Development Season 2 is out on DVD! I hear it's a pretty decent show.

This weekend we're going to some hotel in the suburbs. The room is free, and fancy-nice, but the weekend might involve outlet malls. I am cautious.

Additions to iPod in last two days:

The Flaming Lips - 'Zaireeka' mixed down to single tracks; Clouds taste metallic; priest driven ambulance
V.A. - Growin' up too fast: the Girl-Group anthology
Common - 'Be'
Smoosh - 'She Like Electric'
The Ronettes - best of
De La Soul - '3 ft high and rising'
Big Star - 'Third/Sister Lovers'
Blackalicious - 'The Craft'
Handsome Boy Modeling School - 'White People'
The Kinks - various singles

The Top 100 Albums of All Time

Rules: Only one album per artist, which makes things a lot harder than it looks. No compilations or 'best ofs', which ruled out a lot of old blues/country/R&B artists. I own all of these, so if there are glaring omissions, perhaps you can hook me up. This was composed in under 45 minutes in dim lighting. About a third of these were released this decade, which means it's a great time to be alive I guess. The order can be argued on a couple of these, especially near the end (I spent most of my time on #90-100)... but for the most part I think I got everything that belongs. Feedback is encouraged.

1. The Beatles - Revolver
2. Pavement - Slanted and Enchanted
3. R.E.M. - Murmur
4. Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
5. David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars
6. Radiohead - Kid A
7. The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground & Nico
8. Elvis Costello - This Years Model
9. Silver Jews - American Water
10. DJ Shadow - Endtroducing...
11. Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
12. The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
13. Olivia Tremor Control - Black Foliage
14. Outkast - Stankonia
15. Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation
16. Guided by Voices - Bee Thousand
17. The Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
18. The Zombies - Odessey and Oracle
19. Spoon - Kill the Moonlight
20. Weezer - Weezer (the blue album)
21. The Rolling Stones - Let it Bleed
22. Belle and Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister
23. The Pixies - Doolittle
24. My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
25. Beck - Odelay
26. Mates of State - Team Boo
27. Grandaddy - The Sophtware Slump
28. Stereolab - Dots and Loops
29. The New Pornographers - Electric Version
30. Pink Floyd - Piper at the Gates of Dawn
31. Michael Jackson - Thriller
32. Wu Tang Clan - Enter the Wu Tang: 36 Chambers
33. Television - Marquee Moon
34. Teenage Fanclub - Bandwagonesque
35. The Strokes - Is This It (UK version)
36. Elliot Smith - either/or
37. U2 - The Joshua Tree
38. Built to Spill - There's Nothing Wrong With Love
39. Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
40. Sleater-Kinney - One Beat
41. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On
42. The Clash - London Calling
43. The Gossip - That's Not What I Heard
44. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Tyranny of Distance
45. Mirah - Advisory Committee
46. Hot Hot Heat - Make Up the Breakdown
47. Led Zeppelin - IV
48. Bob Dylan - Blonde on Blonde
49. Super Furry Animals - Guerilla
50. Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
51. Massive Attack - Mezzanine
52. Cat Power - You Are Free
53. Yo La Tengo - I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One
54. Bjork - Homogenic
55. Apples in Stereo - Fun Trick Noisemaker
56. Modest Mouse - The Lonesome Crowded West
57. Dismemberment Plan - Emergency & I
58. Beulah - When Your Heartstrings Break
59. The Stooges - Raw Power
60. Madvillain - Madvillainy
61. Le Tigre - Le Tigre
62. Saturday Looks Good to Me - Every Night
63. Handsome Boy Modeling School - So... How's Your Girl?
64. Death Cab for Cutie - We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes
65. Beat Happening - Jamboree
66. Big Star - #1 Record
67. The Shins - Oh, Inverted World
68. Minutemen - Double Nickels on the Dime
69. Kanye West - The College Dropout
70. The Streets - Original Pirate Material
71. The Fiery Furnaces - Gallowsbird's Bark
72. Galaxie 500 - On Fire
73. All Girl Summer Fun Band - 2
74. Mercury Rev - Deserter's Songs
75. Wire - Pink Flag
76. Badly Drawn Boy - The Hour of Bewilderbeast
77. Flying Burrito Brothers - Guilded Palace of Sin
78. The Arcade Fire - Funeral
79. The Magnetic Fields - 69 Love Songs
80. Blur - Parklife
81. Jay-Z - The Blueprint
82. Dirtbombs - Ultraglide in Black
83. Slint - Spiderland
84. The Beta Band - 3 EPs
85. Modern Lovers - Modern Lovers
86. Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
87. Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
88. The Black Keys - Thickfreakness
89. Nirvana - Nevermind
90. The Fall - This Nation's Saving Grace
91. Blackalicious - Blazing Arrow
92. Nick Drake - Pink Moon
93. Minor Threat - Complete Discography
94. Von Bondies - Lack of Communication
95. The Microphones - The Glow Pt. 2
96. Gang of Four - Entertainment!
97. Greenhornes - Dual Mono
98. The Decemberists - Castaways and Cutouts
99. Brendan Benson - Lapalco
100. Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique

Caayble Guy!

I'm so pissed right now. Don't fuck with me, I will fucking kill you. I'm scowling so much that my forehead has disappeared. Since I started writing this sentence i'm on my third keyboard, the other two i've crushed to dust with my hands. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

This morning, saturday morning, I set the alarm. I set it for 7:55 am. The reason I did this is because today is cable day. Cable people from the cable company would be coming between the hours of 8 and 10 am and giving me espn. Sweet cable, I haven't had you for years. I don't need you, I can live without you, but i'd be nice to see you again, maybe catch a bite to eat, catch up on lost time and relive old memories, the good times....

The cable guys (2) came at 8:45. They went to the top floor to flip the magic switch that would give me cable. I set up the TV, licked my lips, and stared at it, waiting for it to go from stupid CBS to the TV guide channel or some shit. 15 minutes later one dude came down. His job was say "no sir" into his walkie talkie when the other dude asked "how bout now" every 10 seconds. the other dude came back down and told him to get something from the truck. the other dude pulling wires out of the wall, and asked if i had any other cable jack. I showed him to the bedroom, where he began pulling wires out of that wall. The one dude came back and came into my bedroom. He asked 'is that your guitar?' I said yes. He asked 'do you mind?' I said 'uh' and he picked it up and started playing something that a) sounded like crap and B) was too complicated for me to play. Then he asked 'do you have a pick?' and the other dude said 'here's one' as he looked on my floor. I should have said 'if you get the cable to work I will let you plug in', but I was getting annoyed.

An hour later they left. I didn't have cable, but they gave it to everyone on the floor for free.

So, no watching the badgers beat michigan today. Oh well, i'm sure it wasn't that thrilling, i've seen the badgers beat michigan hundreds of times.

There are other events of today, particularly of this evening, which have made my mood sink even further. I'm too pissed to get into it today, but it involves: my favorite cousin who i haven't seen in 15 months, a ramada inn in burr ridge, IL, a ten year high school reunion of a complete stranger, a restaurant called 'max and erna's', the silent treatment, and the rest of that bottle of jack daniels.

Tonite, on a very special 'Props'

Let's imagine you are a young, single male. Average looking, and of average intelligence. Perhaps even below average. Now imagine that the hottest, most perfect woman in all the land suddenly takes a liking to you. You begin dating and eventually become a couple. She seems to genuinely enjoy being in your company, and you simply can't get enough of her. You should be the happiest you've ever been. But... you just have this nagging feeling in the back of your mind, this tiny thought that makes your stomach crawl, that you don't deserve her, and at any moment she will come to her senses and walk out the door and you'll never see her again.

That is how I feel about the show Arrested Development. It is everything I ever dreamed of and more. Each episode contains oh-so-many laughs, and more quick references than an episode of Family Guy written by Vladimir Nabokov. Nothing is dumbed down. Season one has been on DVD for awhile, that's how I got into it, and Season two comes out in a couple weeks. Season three began on Monday, but only 4 million people watched, and the annual cancellation rumors have already begun. I don't want the show to be on for 16 decreasing in quality seasons, and already we're on the verge of passing another of my all-time favs, SportsNight, in number of episodes. But I'm not ready for the ride to end. Give me six or seven solid seasons. Seinfeld started slow at first too, you know. Maybe people will come around. Maybe the DVD sales will be enough to keep it on a few more years. But, maybe, maybe even soon, she'll walk out the door tomorrow, and you'll never see her again. I don’t see you crying, robot. You taste these tears. dot com

Republicans review Kanye West's new album, Late Registration, on amazon.com

Kanye's new album is pretty decent, not as good as the first, but certainly worth a listen. These are actual comments found on amazon.com.

One star - by Misterjaw "The meanest shark in the Pacific, EGOTCHA!"
I am sick of these praises for this knuckleheaded dumbcuff rapper Kanye West whom is a Puff Daddy or Huff Mama facsimimile. However, this dumbo is a racist! He degraded white people left and right since last year. First off, he made fun of Gretchen Wilson for winning Best New Artist. She had a hard upbringing and vilst I don't like her music, at least she can sing and such. This fool on the other hand was raised in a middle class family and uses a gangsta look to make himself look good when it makes him look silly dilly! Then he bashed Dick Clark after his defeat and threatened to boycott all award shows! Then he cried race card when Maroon 5 won a Best New Artist Grammy. Not only that but this yo-yo took his opportunity on the Hurricane relief telethon to put down the media for depicting black as evil when in fact the ones on TV were a few bad apples. Then he claimed0 President Bush was a racist instead of using his brief media time to build up the hope and happiness of the victims in the Gulf region. That shows you dumbcuff Kanye has an agenda. That agenda is: Do what is best for Kanye and make lousy albums that don't make me work hard and have dumbcuff friends like Jay-Z and such band together to cry America is racist which is hogwash. DON'T BUY THIS ALBUM or I'll yell EEGOTCHA!!

One star - Loch Ness Monster (Cedar City, Utah)
Question of the year: Do people buy this because they like the so called "Music" or because they want to be popular? I tell you what, it's the latter of the two. This album has absolutely not musical inventiveness and is so boring to listen to. After listening to one song on this album, I just said "forget it." It's basically just Kanye talking with a bunch of drums beating in the back. WOW! What talent that must take. You know I can talk when I have my car radio on too but I'm not going to go out an make an album because I have that talent. Seriously people, you don't need to buy this to be cool. It's more cool to be original and have your own taste in music. If you happen to like something someone else likes then great, but you don't need to like something just because everyone else has it. Not only that but Kanye West took his opportunity on that hurricane relief concert to put down President Bush instead of using his brief media time to build up the hope of the victims in the Gulf region. That shows you Kanye has an agenda. That agenda is: Do what is best for Kanye and make lousy albums that don't make me work hard and get a bunch of people to advertise the hell out of it and make me a lot of money. Shame on that. DON'T BUY THIS ALBUM!

One star - C. Harlan
One word that describes this little boy....racist. Good job stirring up hate and creating stupidity. Kanye West, Michael Moore, and Bill Maher need to get a room together since they get off on Bush so much and love making your money doing it. I would rather invest my money in used toilet paper than buy this crap. Here's my Rap song that describes this hate: Do not buy. Will not buy. Would have never bought. Kanye West, Michael Moore, and Bill Maher can suck my _________.

One star - James M. Wimmer "Hurmoth" (Vinton, VA USA)
I listened for close to 2 whole songs, but couldn't finish it. The music sucks, plan and simple. I'll stick my classical music instead of this nonsense! Plus, after listening to his comments regarding President Bush, I should've known that someone who needs an education can't sing.

One star - Nada "matrixtrilogy" (USA) - See all my reviews
Come on Kanyeeee!This some nasty stuff. Typical of what's happened to black music and the black community. Killing, biyaches and hoes, pimps, smoke da crack rock, rape rob and pillage, cap ya in da grill, get AIDS then spend the resta yo time complainin bout da white man, dawg. Kanyeee, can ya hum a few bars bout respectability, education, maybe a little birth control for da black community? How bout workin?? Able bodied black man spreadin he seed throughout da projects, promiscuous black welfare momma spittin out da kids for society to suppot. Education da white man's trick; we don do dat. Unejicated Kanyeeee complain Gawje Bush done like da black peeps. But Kanyeeeee dun say dat 67% of N.O. is black - dat over 1 million black folk and about 35% of dem be welfare mommas. Suckin off da gubmint teet - lazy, immoral folk. Black community today shameful before peeps like Washington Carver, Harriet Tubman, Booker T. Washington, Frederick Douglass. Sullied dey names with disgusting behavior and trashy "music" like dis. Rap bout da above Kanyeeee or you just wanna ignore dat blacks creatin dey own problems. Bring back Diana Ross, Da Four Tops, Stevie Wonder, da great Al Green. Motown, we miss ya! Kanyeee, Snoop Stink Dawg, Ludricrop, all da same ole junk - nuttin new. Dis rap is crap, word up. Ya might wanna serve up a lil Black Eyed Peas though!!!!!

Summer Jamz '05

I know it's been so long, but I refuse to offer any apologies. Been busy, deal with it. Last night, for example, I tied a thermos to a kitchen chair with yarn, and then took a picture of it.

This weekend I'm going to Madison for a wedding. It will be my third consecutive weekend traveling to Wisconsin (1. camping labor day in new glarus 2. wedding in appleton) For this wedding M is the maid of honor. So we have to go to the rehearsal/dinner combo on friday, but after that I will enjoy our fancy hotel room with pool and watch college football on saturday. The wedding is late, and the reception at the hotel, so I can feign stomach pains and leave whenever I feel like it and order Pokey Sticks. Also plan on visiting old haunts (B-side records!) and possibly stocking up on cheap groceries. I will know a few people at the wedding, and M's dad, but nobody that's going to guarantee a good time. Unlike last weekend, which was the best time I've ever had at a wedding in years, if not ever. It seems like it's less fun for the people who are actually getting married, so count me out for awhile yet.

Yesterday after work I went to an Open House at an Insurance Company in the building taller than mine. There were games, like answering questions about insurance and then throwing a ball into buckets, bozo-style. There was also a drawing for ipods and portable dvd players. I won a slinky at the game, but no fancy electronics. I also had two beers and something large covered in chocolate. Being there for 30 minutes, I should have gotten 100 beers, it was so lame. Lame. Lame lame lame.

When I was on the golf team in high school my senior year, my golf coach (and freshman science teacher), upon realizing that I would not contribute anything to the team that year, told me he'd at least like to make me a respectable corporate golfer. I guess this means that I could go golfing with a bunch of suits and 'close deals' or whatever the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm there yet, unless 'close deals' means lose 23 balls. Granted, a few weeks ago was my first time in 5 years, but still. I hoped I'd have suddenly gained some ability over time not playing. Nope. Still horrible. Really horrible. I wonder if my own mother, who to my knowledge has ever touched a golf club, and is not very athletic (though she does do aerobics), could beat me at golf. I'd say there's about a 30% chance she could. My name should be golf slang for doing really badly. "How'd ya do on the links today, Frank?" "Awful, I was nicking them all over the place. Every other hole I was nicking myself silly."

Camping was OK, weather was nice. It's a lot different going camping with your girlfriend than going camping with 6 pals from high school. For one, the person who drinks the most is honored the next day. In the other, you get yelled at for puking on someone's birkenstock sandal. For one, everyone takes turns starting fires and cooking. But not in the other. In one, you whine to each other about not having girlfriends to bring camping, and in the other you wonder how many more daddylonglegs spiders you have to kill before you go crazy. Ironically enough, this was the first time I've been camping where there was a campsite filled with single, 20 yr old girls.

I think it's pretty weak to talk about this, but my fantasy football team is great. The Wyld Stallyns are the points leader after week 1 in both my leagues.

I'll write more, I promise.

Pay up or the Thermos gets it!

Props! Vol. 2

"Props!" is a reoccuring feature on this site that will basically consist of a short list of things that are cool, things that are awesome, things that are recommended, and things that rule. I, therefore, will be giving mad "props" to everything on the list. You can read the first installment here. I apologize for not doing this again sooner, but I've been busy. Hope you're satisfied... So stop bothering me about it, assholes!

1. "America's Test Kitchen." Check your local listings on PBS for this cooking show, which usually airs on weekends. I'm now a cooking show expert, as my lovely girlfriend enjoys watching them (despite not really actually cooking herself). Most cooking shows are either kind of elitist in their assumption that everybody's kitchen just happens to have 9 quarts of squid-stock lying around, and make things that are too complicated or expensive for everyday use. ATK has much more of a populist appeal, and I've learned things from how to dice an onion to how to make shrimp to which is the best microwave popcorn. When this show ends after 30 short minutes, I am sad. I could watch it for hours.

2. The Elephant 6 Collective. This was a group of musicians/bands in the mid to late 90s, stemming from Athens, GA, which each released albums influenced by 60s Sgt. Pepperesque psychedelic pop, to put it the most simply. Everyone played on everyone else's albums, produced each other, and seemed to operate on a completely different level than all other 90s rock. The bands involved include the Apples in Stereo, Olivia Tremor Control (see previous post), and Neutral Milk Hotel. The latter's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" is probably one of the top 10 records of all time, buy it tomorrow if you don't have it.

3. Bob Costas. Since he only comes out of hiding to do his HBO show and Olympic broadcasts nowadays, I don't get to see much of him, but the man is always on his game. I remember his play by play from the NBA finals and World Series more than the games themselves, his steady intelligence and quick sarcastic wit never fall to brighten my sports-viewing experiences. He's going to be doing the pregame/halftime show next year when the Sunday night football games are on NBC, about 390 days away. I'm going to make a paper chain with 390 links, and each day i will cut another one off until, finally, I can be immersed in his brilliant radiance.

4. Tilapia. When it comes to fish, this one is great. Usually pretty inexpensive in a supermarket (4-5 dollars a pound, most of the time coming in individually vacuum-sealed packs), it is easy to make and very healthy. Best yet, most of these are raised in 'farms', instead of pulling out of polluted waters. I usually add salt/pepper, dill, lemon juice and occasionally garlic, then bake at 425 degrees for 15-20 minutes for 4 fillets. Tonight I made some on my George Foreman grill. It was OK, but the outside was kind of toughly hardened. Baking is 'where it's at,' though, as the kids say.

5. Public Transportation. Sure, you may love the Jaguar that you drive, and be secretly intimidated and confused by your city's public transportation system, but once you figure things out you'll realize how simple and easy it is. Why waste your commute cursing at traffic when you could be reading a book or dirty magazine?

Bringing about the apocalypse is not considered cool

There's really not much to tell, this weekend is the last in a long while in which I'll be doing absolutely nothing. Today I created an N-shaped indentation in the couch, while watching nothing in particular in TV. I feel no guilt, there is no sense of a wasted opportunity here. The next bunch of weekends are all going to be filled with so much activity it's crazy. Next weekend i'm flying to mpls to get into 87 sorts of mischief, the following weekend M's family is visiting, then labor day weekend I'm going camping for three days with M (which should provide hilarious blog stories, stay tuned... she already freaked out as I was making the reservation when I told her what a 'pit-toilet' was. ha ha ha), then I plan on bathing and getting a haircut in time for two successive weddings, which will land me exhausted in the second half of september. Sometime in the middle of that I also have to draft the best fantasy football team ever, as well.

It's been so long, so I'll just hit the highlights of the past few weeks:

July 29, the Olivia Tremor Control concert. OTC is a band that broke up after their 1999 album, and is only playing a handful of shows before splitting up again, so I was super stoked to catch them. The show was sold out, held in a very small club. With everyone as excited as I was, that meant for a lot of squished sweaty people who knew all the songs. The stage was no less squished, as up to 10 people were playing in the band at once, each a variety of instruments: two guitarists, bass, keyboards, banjo, drums, clarinet, tuba, trombone, sax, trumpet, and various tape and effects machines. All of this while a constant looping psychedelic video projected on and behind the band. The sum effect was actually overwhelming at times, unlike their records the live show wasn't perfectly mixed, so if someone was watching without knowing the songs, they would have a hard time knowing what was going on. The sound got better after the first few songs, luckily, and the experience was as fantastic and trippy as I had hoped. They played for about two whole hours before the sound guy cut them off and kicked everyone out of the club at 2 in the morning. Great times.

The next week I had my first business meeting with a client. Going in, I wasn't too worried since someone else was going to be there. But, of course he happened to bail at the last minute, so I had to pretend I knew what was going on while I talked to this person. I took her out to lunch at a fancy Italian restaurant; I had the swordfish, it was superb. It was kind of like an awkward first date. Or so I can imagine, all of my first dates have gone completely smooth.

Last friday I went to a party. A real party, with a barrel of beer and loud music, people smoking on the balcony. I guy I work with was hosting, a bunch of coworkers showed up. I was asked to provide music, so I hooked up my iPod to his stereo and unleashed my partytime playlist, which surprising was a big hit. There is nothing that pleases me more than a bunch of people asking me questions about music. I got orders to burn several CDs already. Aside from getting completely drunk, I stayed out of trouble (no smoking, no drugs, no stealing things, no smashing things, no making out with anyone), left the party at 3:30, grabbed a gyro and a 'pizza puff,' and crashed at someone else's place, who has the best view I've ever seen anywhere in my entire life. Slept until the sun heated the room up to 120 degrees, and took the trains home saturday morning, where I sat on the couch and drank water the rest of the day. Great times.

The past week went pretty quickly, mostly due to the fact that i missed work on wed and thurs to attend a seminar on the west side of the city, which was so painful that I wished I could've worked instead. The best thing about it was that I got to take the bus through the ghetto on the way there. That was fun and interesting for me.

I think I'm going to go crazy and get cable television. For the sake of my fantasy football team.

For some reason I spent 45 minutes online today looking at Playstation 2 consoles and games. I may be done with books. I also finished the 'Firefly' DVDs, already super excited for the movie, out 9/30.

I may get forced to get a cell phone this week. We'll see.

Gigantic

Last sunday was the hottest day in six years, high of 102 degrees. What better place to spend the day than at at outdoor festival!

To start from the beginning, I got there about noon on saturday, marveled at the lax security, and caught the last few songs of the Int'l Noise Conspiracy's set, which luckily included the only song of theirs that I know "capitalism stole my virginity" which is quite possibly the best song title of all time. Leave a comment if you can think of anything better. It did seem rather ironic, however, that the band played this at Lolla, on the SBC East stage, sponsored by a million giant corporations, to people that have paid the same amount for a ticket than people earn in a year in a third world country. But I'm down, yo, national health care would rock. Then i sat on the grass while M83 played their guitar based electro/instrumentals and applied a generous amount of sunscreen. Then moved back over to hear the Trail of Dead, who were loud as hell and pretty entertaining, they predictably smashed all their equipment at the end; even though i knew it was coming it was kinda cool to see not one, but two drum kits flying off the stage.

Then i traveled to the opposite corner of the field to see the Kaiser Chiefs. There were four stages, each in one corner of the giant field, and two stages played at once. The weird thing was while this was a relatively large area, you could still hear both playing at the same time if you were anywhere near the middle, and if you were up front by one of the stages you'd hear the other band when the one you were watching stopped. Anyway, the KC's were fantastic, I'd barely listened their album twice and seemed to know every song anyway (I described them to a friend as being Franz Ferdinand plus the Clash, but that seems kind of lazy). One of the highlights of day one for sure despite the singer losing his voice. He even brought a couple fans on stage to sing one of the songs. Incidentally, this is the second time I'd see a band do that, the first was Beulah in 2001 (with opening band being then-unknown Mates of State). Afterwards I saw about half of the Brian Jonestown Massacre's set, and then took off for a break, found food (giant burrito) and airconditioning. Came back to watch Blonde Redhead's show, which was OK (the other option was Billy Idol). It rained on me for about 25 minutes while i was waiting for the Black Keys to start. They finally did with me as close to the stage as I'd get on saturday. They were one the most anticipated bands to see for me, but I was worried how they'd sound outside as opposed to a small smokey club. Well, they definitely didn't disappoint at all, I was surprised to see the singer/guitarist didn't even use a pick despite sounding so loud and brutal at times. They played fantastic, and the songs were stuck in my head the rest of the day.

I had to rush across the field to get a decent spot to see the Pixies. They came out and played over 20 songs in 75 minutes, rarely speaking between at all. They sounded great, Frank Black sweated about 39 gallons but his voice was perfect, hitting all the screams and everything. It was cool to see them, finally, but I wish I would have in 1989 rather than 2005. They said goodnite and then slooooooooooowly walked off stage while the audience shouted for more, then went back and played 'Where is my Mind?" as the sun completely disappeared. That was fricking sweet right there.

Weezer was last, and i was pretty far away, but I felt they had somehow turned into a band that's going to end up playing state fairs when they're in their 50s. They played 6 songs from their first album and only 4 from their most recent. I was in the back, shouting for them to 'play the hits!'. I had seen them in 2001, and they were pretty good then, but now I was annoyed at Rivers' lame between song comments and the lack of energy they had. Their newest album is shit, by the way, remind me to delete it from my iPod.

I caught the train home and began my coughing and sneezing fit (I'm apparently allergic to outdoor music festivals). Went back around 2:30 on sunday, with M in tow, when it was about 100 degrees. Saw Dinosaur Jr play most of their set (another band reunited in the name of cashing in). They were loud and good, J Mascis now has long grey hair and a potbelly, which is kinda funny. M liked their set too, and recognized more songs than I. This lead me to the following conclusion about her taste in music: If she listened to them up to the year 2000, she would like them no matter what they sounded like. If she discovered them after the year 2000, she would like them only if they were 'pretty' sounding, not loud, not offensive in any way. If she heard a recording released prior to 2000 that wasn't pretty sounding, she would like it only if she had listened to it in her younger days. Which meant Dinosaur Jr. = good, but Sonic Youth = bad. Also, weirdly THe pixies 'doolittle' album is good, but the 'come on pilgrim' ep is bad. What a friggin nutbar!

Anyway, we spent the next couple hours hanging out in the shade, there were a lot of buses around, idling with air conditioning on. We refilled our four water bottles and went to see the Arcade Fire. They were fantastic, probably the best performance I saw all weekend. They came out in three-piece black suits, with the girls in long dresses and opera gloves. 9 people on stage, and all of them had tremendous energy. Though I haven't given their record enough spins (it didn't make the best of 2004 cut due to lack of singles) I did know most of the songs, and I recommend catching them live at any cost. I was blown away.

We saw Spoon next, my 5th time, had the best view of the weekend. They packed a lot into an hour, but only played songs from their last 3 albums. Which was fine, but i was hoping for '30 gallon tank'. Oh well. They played good, even the keyboard player didn't screw up at all (usually the weakest link of a spoon show). Played all the 'hits', I wish it could've gone over an hour.

After some 'cooling bus', saw some of both the Dandy Warhols and the Killers, then we had to get a spot for the last band of the night, Death Cab for Cutie, whom M loves with a fiery passion. (Their second album is great, third is okay, the rest are kinda blah, IMHO). They played and it was predictable and okay, but this point my allergies had started to kick in and I was busy worrying about Monday at work. M loved it, screaming like a 13 yr old between songs and jumping up and down and doing her weird dance when her feet remain planted but her torso moves rapidly from side to side. We left and caught a bus home, having finished about 9 liters of water between us. Still not sure if it was worth the ticket price, especially when compared to the previous weekend, but I'd stay it still was a good time, and I hope it comes back next year with a better lineup.

So after two days of working my new job, I'm officially disliking it. At least the days go by quickly, as I'm struggling to keep up with everything. I keep waiting for the 'Coffee is for Closers' speech. (First Prize: a new cadillac, Second Prize: a set of steak knives, Third Prize: You're Fired!) I'm sure it'll get better eventually (i hope) but this week is going to suck for sure. Friday I'm seeing the Olivia Tremor Control play in a club, which i'm stoked about. Also, no more outdoor concerts for the rest of the summer.

The Indie Sickness

Unlike certain friends of mine, I try to update my blog at least once a week.

I'm getting a bit nervous about my job, next week is going to be hell, due to everyone going on vacation at once. I'm supposed to step in and pick up the slack, despite not having any experience or knowledge regarding the job I'll be doing. I'd go into it in more detail, but I can only think of one regular reader who would understand anything I'd be writing about. My new/future supervisor seems like a major hardass, a big switch from my current boss (31 yr old hot chick who is a Pavement fan and occasionally, when the weather was cooler, wore some fantastic patent leather boots that distracted from her otherwise corporate-style facade.)

Last weekend was good. I stop short of saying it ruled. M and I attended the festival on saturday, arrived as the first act was starting. It was about 90 degrees; the type of weekend in which there were no lines for beer but loooooooong lines for water refills. Saturday AC Newman ruled, the Go! Team as well, Four Tet was ok. There was a great record fair going on at the same time (mostly vinyl) in which I somehow managed to avoid spending any money, mostly because I didn't want to carry around any used early Rolling Stones LPs for the rest of the day. We left partway through headliner Tortoise's set, completely exhausted, at 9:30 pm. It was ridiculous, my knees somehow get broken after standing in a crowd for an hour. We snacked on overpriced food, drank 3 beers between us, and only watched five bands up close, but it seemed like I had been in a 3-year tour of war duty. We took the el then bus home, and collapsed in a tangle.

The next day I went solo; woke up with a sneeze attack that never really stopped. Funny what 15,000 people stomping around a park filled with dead grass and dusty infields can do. Arrived around 4, saw great sets by andrew bird, deerhoof, the wrens, les savy fav, and the decemberists, and headed home. The last two were particularly awesome. Going to shows alone is nothing really new for me, but the festivally atmosphere of group comradarie made me feel extra alone. But music tends to make up for these things.

The next day I woke up after sleeping for only a couple hours. I decided to call in sick for the first time in about 3 years to any job. I compensated by doing laundry, running errands, buying food, cooking dinner, and reading the entire 6th Harry Potter book (a mild thumbs up, but it's no Goblet of Fire, y'all!!!) So another four day week for me, which pretty much rules, except I still have a nasty cough from this weekend (apparently a lot of festival attendees do) and am trying to learn a million things at once. This weekend is Lollapalooza, which will be similar except much more expensive, and then next week I'll be pushed into the fire at work, attempting to survive. We'll see what happens.

Back and Forth

It's only Tuesday and I'm already excited for the weekend. Saturday and Sunday I'll be attending the Intonation Music Fest; listening to a bunch of bands so cool that even I haven't heard them, plus some I do know fairly well, like:The Decemberists, Tortoise, AC Newman (of best of 2004 fame), the Go! Team, Les Savy Fav, The Hold Steady, Four Tet, Broken Social Scene, Deerhoof, and Death From Above 1979. At only 15 bucks a day it's quite a deal.

I know you're thinking, man, is this dude paying paid to advertise? Well, no, but this dude would like to avoid attending solo on Sunday (which has the best lineup, btw) so is trying to encourage fellow chicagoans to attend. But not everyone. Since the crowd is going to be made up of rock solid hipsters and the like, anyone who decides to come along must be cool enough not to embarrass me. I have nightmares about someone asking, loudly: "So what is 'post-rock' exactly?" OH! THE EMBARRASSMENT!!!

Also, i'm sure the current 5 day work week is causing me to prematurely dream about the weekend. Also looking forward to celebratory all you can eat indian food at friday lunch, which will eliminate all possibility of me doing anything productive for the rest of the day. So a 4 and a half day work week, basically.

last weekend I saw my family again. God, two weeks in a row, who do they think they are? My sister had a couple job interviews in some north suburbs, so the entire gang came along and stopped by for a few hours on saturday. Sunday M and I went to the beach. I have great inhibitions about swimming in the foul cesspool that is Lake Michigan, but I did it anyway and so far have not shown any ill effects. There were lifeguards in rowboats in the water, and one yelled at me for going past him. At this I stood up in water which came below my chest. Apparently that's far enough, mister. There was only about 25 minutes of 'swimming,' otherwise I succeeded in getting various bodyparts sunburnt (tops of my feet again, argh!) and being bored. Later sunday we went to see a movie of my choice, Me and You and Everyone We Know, currently in limited release. Best movie I've seen all year, I think. But it's right up my alley, your taste may differ, and I respect that.

Ha, ha ha, just kidding.

What the F...

...is up with the weird extra spaces and ugliness of this blog? It just happened out of the blue! If anyone is brainy enough to fix it, let me know.

Dynamic Calories

To bring you up to speed, Madison was a great success. It hasn't changed too much, and the air of familiarity was sweet-smelling indeed. Felt odd to drive across town without moving 5 feet at a time. Favorite restaurants are still there. Our hotel was nice but waaaaaaaaaay on the east side. They had a 'hospitality hour' on saturday from 5 to 7. The place was packed with the elderly, so I decided to get in the spirit by demanding my free old fashioned. Well, perhaps it was the bartender's inherent suspicion of anyone born after 1955, but the amount of alcohol in my (small, plastic) cup couldn't have given a fruit fly a buzz. However, two beers and two bowls of pretzels later, I had my revenge.

Then occurred a four day workweek, followed by a four day weekend, followed by another four day workweek, a pattern I wouldn't mind following indefinitely. The first four days kind of sucked, but during the second I made was has lately been a semi-annual journey to the land of my birth. M was working something fierce, and her reaction when I asked if I could take her car for four days was fierce enough to cause old people, pregnant women, and those with heart problems to drop dead immediately. My youth and vitality prevailed. I ended up getting a ride with a coworker and her friend to a town an hour west of my hometown. This journey, delayed by someone's lateness, someone's crazy hangover, and someone's poor driving skills, took about 9 hours. Finally made it home, and was treated like a king, with a giant steak from the grill and some brews. The next day I ate venison bacon for brunch, watched the amazing 150th anniversary of my town parade, won 3 of 4 games of HORSE at the driveway basketball hoop, and found a dead squirrel in my grade-school baseball glove. I caught a ride to the foxy cities with Dave and his wife, then marveled at FFL Nate's new bachelor pad, which is new enough to not be completely trashed. There was much of hanging out over the next 24 hours, soon Corey arrived and made me get enough actual exercise to cause soreness (or was that from sleeping on the floor?). Decadence continued until monday early afternoon, when I celebrated our nation's independence by waiting two hours for my late greyhound bus. I further rejoiced by enjoying an unnecessary 50 minute layover in Milwaukee.

This week I've had to work like a crazy person. Exciting news = I'm getting a 'promotion' of sorts at work. This promotion entails the following:

1. No more easy or boring work
2. A new cubicle in a heavy traffic area, meaning no more websurfing
3. Doing a new job (insurance broker) which will teach me valuable new skills by being so far over my head that I keep being told not to panic.
4. While doing new job, also do all the IT stuff I've been doing the past few months, except instead of having it take up 75% of my time, it should now take up 25%.
5. Being moved to salary, which means no more overtime.
6. Not getting a raise.
7. Not getting any sort of bonus.

Today I was told to meet with our division's CEO about this. I was expecting possibly #7 on the list from this, but instead all I received was the imperative "Work Hard." That was fulfilling.

Vacation, Part Deux

Since last week was a disaster, we've decided to take a mini-trip back up to Madison for the weekend. Nice-looking hotel on the far east side, plus two tickets to the Nostalgia Train. Party like it's September 2004, y'all!

Not much has been happening lately. Last night I had dinner and many beers with some coworkers, then 'ran' about 800 blocks to catch my train home in time for most of the bastetball game. T-Dunc owned in the third quarter. Take that, haters!

Uh, um, I also shaved off my vacation-beard, which was down to a vacation-goatee. My office-groupies all had strong reactions.

Last weekend we saw Batman Begins. My office building is in Gotham City!!! I could totally be Robin!

My Morning Routine

First I hit my yahoo page, which contains news from politics to sports to entertainment to my email, then it's my sparingly updating friends, including N-dawg, C-Mac, the Dave, and especially my chi-town crew. Then it's pitchfork, salon (you have to watch a 'web-mercial' but it's worth it, especially the 'war room', 'fix', sports daily, and anything written by heather havrilesky, one of the best SFFWs around), and McSweeney's. Check for anything new on ESPN (page 2 especially) and Roger Ebert. Get nerdy entertainment news from defamer, TVgasm, and Ain't it cool news. Check chicagoist for local happenings. Good blogs include fluxblog, stereogum, whatevs, TMFTML, rabbit blog (h. havrilesky again), and fittedsweats. All these and maybe a few detours and suddenly it's 10 am and the day is off to a great start.

13 days ago I said, boldly, "Spurs in six"......

Priceless

Back to work after vacation today, my protest is a two-tiered process:
1. Not shaving off my impressive vacation-beard.
2. Not actually doing any work.

I should put the word "vacation" in quotes though, since I use the term loosely. Sure, I did have an entire week off of work, returning to find 100 emails and everything screwed up beyond repair. So that counts. I did get to go to New York, see a few sights, so that counts as well. But, I just have this slight nagging feeling that something didn't seem right while on the trip. Just a little voice in the back of my head. I think maybe that this feeling was strongest when I took M to the Emergency Room at 4 in the morning on Wednesday, or maybe sometime during the next 36 hours that she was in the hospital with a kidney infection. The "flu" that had cut dramatically short our first four days of activity was actually something called "Pyelonephritis" which kept us occupied until the flight home. No worries, things are OK now, and we had stopped freaking out within a couple hours of the time we got to the hospital. But the quality of the trip suffered a bit from day one, we had to cancel basically all activity after 5 pm the first few days, she kept feeling weak and feverish (hence the 'flu' diagnosis) and went to bed at 9 pm (8 Chicago time) or earlier while I watched the playoffs, read, or walked the streets and bought a six-pack of beer. We did get to do a few things in between, like: taking endless walks through central park, seeing chinatown, little italy, coney island (the cyclone kicked our asses), times square, the staten island ferry (we were in 4 of 5 boroughs), midtown and 5th ave, the museum of tv and radio, and a couple of good restaurants. But I had lots more planned (first day in my head included seeing a band play at 2 am and THEN going to an afterparty at another bar, instead I picked up chinese and M was asleep at 9 o'clock). There was way too much time spent in the hotel room, and not in any sort of good way. We saw a mouse there on our last night. I was not allowed to stay the night in the hospital, so I took cabs back and forth and became an expert cab hailer. Subways were easy to navigate as well. I'll go back, someday.

This weekend was spent lying around the house. M went alone to Milwaukee to help her dad clean graffiti off of his house (the perfect father's day activity!) and I drank a bottle of wine and scratched myself. We went to dinner last night, I ate 3 people's entrees, including my own.

Sucky vacation, but I Will Be Avenged!!!!

Sorry, kids, there will be no food this week, we had to buy a mixed media collage.

Plan:
1. Buy art from young artist.
2. Tell all friends to spread the word that young artist (Allan Tuttle) is the next big thing.
3. Observe as word spreads and future works get snapped up like hotcakes.
4. Trade in art for giant mansion.
5. The End.

Come on! Feel the Illinoise!

thunder lightning strike and it's a baseball-colored sky saturday that proves to be the day I finally break out the shorts, exposing knee scars and nearly enough leg hair to be called 'wookie-like.' Mr Popular declined an invitation to a party tonight to attend another, in honor of the birthday of one of my fav local bloggers. In the meantime have been wasting the entire day putting obscure new music on my ipod, reading A Fortress of Solitude (which is supposed to be due back at the library today, but I just started it and I don't want to take it back, though it'll take me a while to finish), taking pointless walks around rainshowers, and vacuuming the apartment (not my idea).

Other weekly 'highlights' include fruitless shopping for new sneakers, suffering through a university drama club production of Sophocles' Electra (which didn't have anything at all to do with the movie starring Ms. Jennifer Garner). In another week I'll be in New York, which hopefully will be great. So if anyone lives in New York you're welcome to let me know some city secrets. I'm pissed I was too late to get Conan tickets. As i mentioned before, my absence from this city means that all my favorite bands can sneak in and play shows (Spoon, S. Malkmus, Sleater-Kinney, and Ted Leo, all in a week!) but hopefully they'll make it up to me someday. I'll see Spoon at Lolla, anyway, during the rock-filled month of 'Cool-ly'. (, that's never gonna stick)

Oh, SLGTM last week was awesome, full six-piece band played all the songs I missed last time. I ended up going solo, which is not terribly unusual, but still felt a bit self-conscious standing directly in the front of the unfortunately small crowd, singing all the lyrics (even the ones from the 7"s and limited release EPs) and sort of dancing, all completely sober.

i can't complain about much else, save for the lack of meaningful nicknames among new national sports teams these days. I'm also ashamed to say that "Beauty and the Geek" is the best reality show I've ever been forced to watch. Are you a 'beauty' or a 'geek'? Like I even had to ask.

i heard the dude blamed the chick. i heard the chick blamed the snake. i heard they were naked when they got busted.

If anyone is planning future vacations, I'd advise them to stay clear of Ft. Wayne, IN. My trip was fine, my rental car was shiny and new and I drove like a swallow flies. My hotel was a suite with a couch and 90 channels on the TV (except no Cinemax!!!!), the pool was small but deserted. I ate alone at a supper club type place, overpriced but on the company dime of course. I learned a thing or two, but most of my mental energy was absorbed by renting my car and checking into hotel and such. It felt like a vacation, and now it's hard to believe the week is over already. I highly recommend taking business trips.

So this is a holiday weekend, and while I'm not going anywhere exciting, I plan on having a terrific time. Saturday I'm going to see Saturday Looks Good To Me play for the first time since St. Patrick's weekend of reunion bliss, hopefully they will have a lineup suited for rockin' out this time. Any chicago residents are welcome to come along, no pun intended. Sunday and most of Monday M is off, so I'll probably be dragged somewhere that involves exchanging money for goods or services, but hopefully enjoy myself. What I really miss since moving here is grilling, G. Foreman doesn't quite cut it. If anyone has a grill, invite me over, I'll bring the finest meats available.

If for whatever reason I was dragged onto an open mic stage with only my electric guitar and amp, here are the songs I'd play:

1. "Moonage Daydream" - David Bowie
2. "Box Elder" - Pavement
3. "Let's Shake Hands" - White Stripes

What is the deal with Tom Cruise??? Even I wouldn't be that excited if I was dating Katie Holmes.

Watched the Criterion DVD of Hoop Dreams on Tuesday. A great documentary without a grandstanding director hogging camera time. (Though I do like 85% of each M. Moore film).

I bought the new S-K album yesterday, along with the new Malkmus. You can stream the former here, though you should just buy it. It comes with a live DVD.

The Sober Truth

Finally, someone asks for advice:

I have a problem. You see, I am in college right now...and find myself single. I'm very alone...and find myself drinking...by myself. Does drinking by yourself make you a loser?

Drunken in the Dark

Sorry for taking so long to respond, DITD, but I had nearly given up on the chance that anyone would actually ask for my advice. You see, it gets very lonely in this virtual ivory tower of mine, though I appear to have everything that a proud blog-owner could want (a loyal readership, an increasing hit-counter, membership to the exclusive 'bloggers-only' clubs around town), I longed desperately for some contact. A comment here or there, or hopefully, a sincere email asking for advice. I was lonely, just like you DITD. And when you are lonely, you want to do anything you can to make you feel differently. Such as... turning to alcohol. Somehow, the magic properties of alcohol affect us in such a way to make certain things easier to take, such as being lonely, dancing, cleaning your apartment, meeting your girlfriend's parents, mowing the lawn, going to the dentist, playing frisbee, flying kites, driving, going to work, sleeping, eating cereal, showering, going to church, voting, watching reality TV, and blogging.

Back to your question: drinking alone doesn't necessarily make you a loser. Everyone at some time or another enjoys a drinky drink to soak up their troubles, there's nothing wrong with that. But the thing is, drinking alone kind of sucks compared to drinking with other people. And the good thing about being in college is that everyone likes drinking. It is easy to find people to drink with! It's like that old Dave Chappelle joke about smoking weed with a Klan member; there's pretty much no reason anyone would refuse to drink with you if you ask them. As far as being single, that's fine too, and there's nothing more exciting than being single and drinking with a bunch of other single people. Even if you end up back home alone, it'll be a better time than sitting home all night drinking and reading some idiot's blog. You also have to enjoy being single, because someday you will experience a suffocating relationship and look back on this time as a golden age.

You should probably know that while typing I've been enjoying a very cold gin martini, and I'm alone in the apartment. Am I a loser? Well, depends on who you ask. But I have no qualms. In the past I went through my heavy share of ultradepressing drinking alone moments, but you'll always, hopefully, bounce back into drinking with others and making out with their friends.

If you have any questions, or just want an entire blog post devoted to a subject of your choice, please send an email to the address on the right.

Chaotic

As loyalists may know, during the day I spend the time I'm supposed to be working on boring office-y things daydreaming about being a Pop Culture commentator, or 'Fundit" on VH1. Well, I decided that I wouldn't be a very promising pop culture commentator if I accrued all my pop culture knowledge by reading blogs and online hipster magazines; I need more first-hand experience. I need to be 'in the shit,' as Vietnam veterans would put it. This means I need to watch more bad TV.

It just so happens that I'm lucky enough to live with someone who not only subscribes to US Weekly, but also has been talking seemingly nonstop for the past few weeks about the Britney Spears/K-Fed reality show, which finally aired last night on UPN. I figured this was the moment I've been waiting for to immerse myself fully and without guilt into the bile of popular culture.

Like the earlier alluded-to veterans, I think I may have terrifying flashbacks for years to come. Mrs. Spears has obviously been emotionally damaged by spending the last 6 or 7 years surrounded by people who dress her and do her hair and feel compelled (i.e. are paid) to carry on a conversation with her and seem interested. When you see a video or picture of her in a magazine you don't think about the fact that she never graduated high school and is possibly too stupid to be executed for any crimes; you think about the fact that her ass is the size and shape of a basketball.

I did manage to watch the entire hour. I should get a certificate or a plaque. To sum up: for the first half hour, Britney acts like a retarded donkey and complains that she needs companionship (is horny) and doesn't believe in marriage. In the second half, she brings K-Fed, who she met a couple times before, to London to give her some companionship at least three times a day. That's pretty much it. Even worse was the fact that instead of the traditional reality show look, the entire program was shot by Britney and her entourage on handheld cameras, giving it the weird combination of The Blair Witch Project meets a junior high slumber party.

After the show was over, I tried to cleanse the soul with the Velvet Underground, a chapter of One Hundred Years of Solitude, and the first act of Bottle Rocket, but nothing could make me clean again. On the plus side, it made going to work today much more enjoyable than usual.

Best News I've Heard All Week

"Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar!"

The best show on TV (...ever?) gets renewed for another full season. If you don't think it's funny, you are banned from the blog.

I could throw you a party every single day

It always looks like trouble when a trip to the library is the most exciting part of your weekend, narrowly edging the trips to the produce market and Target, plus a dvd viewing of The Life Aquatic and the subsequent early-70s David Bowie marathon. On Friday M and I each chose numerically-titled movies to rent (Ocean's 12 vs. The Third Man, the former failed to live up to already low expectations, the latter is being saved for tonight.) Last week I finally got my state of IL driver's license, meaning no more fantastic tales of authority figures questioning my age (which last occurred at the Miller Brewery tour). I went Friday during lunch, and was lucky enough to get to stand in five separate lines. A year and change ago I took the State exam to be an employee of the DMV, I believed I did quite well on the test (which basically makes sure you're not dyslexic, and, using carefully worded multiple-choice questions, makes sure that when dealing with customers, you don't go batshit freaking insane), but, unfortunately there were no opening in my particular county of residence. Though at present it's hard to tell whether or not I'd like that particular career field more than my current one, I will have to agree that I'm less numb with my current position. The guy who administered the vision test (which I barely passed, stupid new contacts) was too lazy to push the little buttons on the control panel, so he simply held them down permanently with thumb-tacks, leaving his hands free to idly fondle himself while he stared off into space with his glazed eyes and mumble in a monotone. You have to admire someone with a job like that who says, "now, this job isn't too bad, but why do I have to move my fingers? I'm not your goddamned slave!" Granted, the fact that all the people in front of me were reading the exact same letters, and noticing the flashing lights on both sides, kind of helped me get through some of the tricky ones at the beginning. Like G and O, those bastards.

Thunder-stealer

Here's why the internet is wonderful: Last winter I included a song by Annie on my 'Best of 2004' mixtape, but her album isn't being released in the US until next month! Here's a great article from the Times.

I'm not an attention grabbing 'lookatme, lookatme, itsmybirthday, givemepresents!' type of person, in fact, I feel kinda smarmy telling anyone that my birthday is coming up. Big deal, a birthday. I don't want any presents, presents are usually disappointing. But it seems I work with someone who needs to tell everyone in the world (office) that it's her birthday, which happens to be on the same day (and year) as mine. And this is fine, she's a good person, happy birthday to her. But this also means we'd be standing next to each other, and a million and three people would come up and wish her a happy birthday, or give her a card or a big bag of cash, and she'd say 'it's his birthday too,' and whoever would say 'oh, i didn't know. uh..... happy birthday.' I signed a card for her that someone passed around the office. It had fifty signatures on it, each with a personal message. And the weird thing is, she's been working there less than a year, so this is the first birthday she's had. So it's not like a big annual tradition or anything. Today a group of 14 of us went out for lunch, and her birthday was supposed to be the occasion. I'd guess barely half knew it was mine too. So when the bill comes, someone says, "OK, divide by 13, since it's her birthday lunch, she doesn't have to pay." And I get out my wallet and someone else whispers back 'well, it's his birthday too.' then there is a long awkward pause, before the first person says, 'well, ok, divide it by 12 then.' And everyone grumbles when they hear what they owe, and one person tells me to put my wallet away while at least 10 others curse my name. I tried making up for it by buying a round of beers after work, but I still felt pretty much like an asshole.

Remember the weight of the world is the sound we used to buy/On cassette and 45

I know this blog has sucked lately, my little cumquats, and I promise to try harder in the future. But, yet, while I can apologize 'til my fingers are blue in the tips, you, gentle reader, have not exactly seduced me into increasing my output. I have received zero legitimate advice-seeking emails. And that fucking hurts, my little chickadees. So, as a last ditch effort, I'm changing my official Wyld Stallyns blog email address. Perhaps the original one was a bit too controversial. But, on the other hand, you are, hopefully on an increasingly routine basis typing a URL into your web browser of choice that reads suspiciously like a gay porn website, if you really think about it. So, for all blog-related purposes, including those poor souls seeking life-changing advice, my new email address is: seacrest_out@email.com (note the underbar)

Here's why this summer will rule: June 11-17 I'm going on vacation. And, though I've been to various locales throughout the years, and have gone weeks and even months without working, this will be the first time that I will be taking 'vacation days' while taking a week off. This means I don't have to go into work for a week, BUT I STILL GET PAID AS USUAL!!! How amazing is that!!! Think about it for a second: Last week I worked my ass off, my-new-contact-lens-wearing-eyes were burned out of their sockets staring at the computer. And the week of June 13-17 I won't work a single minute. And I'll get paid the exact same amount! Wowzers!!! To make matters more interesting, I'll be spending my time off in New York City, where my goal will be to not sleep the entire time (though, after tickets were booked, I found out I'd by missing concerts here by Spoon, Sleater-Kinney, and Ted Leo/Rx. drag.) And, even weirder yet, I must shamefully admit that it will mark my first time ever on an airplane. And while on that airplane, I shall drink liquor for the first time ever, and also have first-time-ever-sex in the bathroom. It will be the day I finally become a man, June 11, mark yr calendars y'all.

Also, summer goodness: July 16-17 is the intonation music festival in chicago, curated by the snobbish kids at the great indie music zine Pitchfork. Some great bands and it's only 10 bucks a day, pay at the entrance. And the next week is Lollapolooza, which is a million (i.e. 5) times more expensive, and the lineup isn't exactly that wonderful so far, but i've never been to any sort of huge summer music festival type thing before, so I figured the experience would be worth the 100-dollar two day pass. Anyone who wants to come can crash on my floor. Plus, the Pixies are playing!

But, reasons the summer might suck include: this. Any further two-week lapses in blogging can be attributed to me getting my ass kicked by a group of angry 14-year olds.

In more boring news: Last weekend I went on the Miller Brewery tour in Milwaukee, which was pretty cool for a free thing, and I learned from an informative video (narrated by High-Life-voice-over-guy turned dirty republican-campaign-ad-voice-over-guy) that 'Millertime' is the time when good times turn into great times, meaning, judging by the images in the informative video, at the precise moment when you are out at the bars with your wingman, when the girl you are eyeing up decides to sleep with you. I also got three free beers.

Later this month I'll be making my first ever business trip, to Fort Wayne, Indiana. Remember, kids: What happens in Fort Wayne, stays in Fort Wayne.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to my first ever work-related conference. It is less than a mile away from my building, but at least I get to miss a half-day because of it. I plan on composing future blog posts on my legal pad, just for you!

David Gordon Green's Undertow is now available on DVD, and well worth checking out. Buy All the Real Girls first though. Sleater-Kinney's new album, out May 24th, is one of the hardest rocking albums I've ever heard. I love the new Spoon (out next Tuesday) except I've listened to it so much on my iPod that I equate it with making the commute to work. My plan to become healthy and then, eventually, huge with muscle-mass, has hit a snag, as today my bike-riding warmup hit a snag when my right knee freaked-out big time. So I came back downstairs, though if anyone asks, I can bench 225.

And, finally and most self-involved, Wednesday is my 26th birthday (I know you forgot, fuckers). M says she has made secret plans for me that night (i'm guessing dinner at a soul food restaurant) and also sunday the 8th. I'm hoping the sunday means a ticket to the Built to Spill show, and not a trip to the aquarium, but I'm not getting my hopes up at all.

All Things Considered

The best things in life are free (right click and 'save as'):

Spoon - "I Turn My Camera On" (Hooray for falsettos!)

Stephen Malkmus - "Baby C'mon"

Well, either all of my faint-hearted readers were too intimidated by my choice of email address, or none of them trust me enough to ask for advice (save for one jackassy G&T-swilling, beer-brat-munching Friend-For-Life). Oh, well, I guess I'll just keep all of my knowledge and wisdom stored in my giant ever-expanding brain.

I haven't posted in awhile, and I'm sure you are wondering what I've been up to. What crazy adventures does one undertake in this city of limitless possibility? Where, for instance, does a dashing playboy such as myself choose to spend a Friday night downtown?

The library, of course. The library downtown is the largest public one in the universe, but it was closed at the time. I was there to see a Sarah Vowell reading/Q&A, which was very entertaining despite its foul odor of genuine nerdiness and geekery. (Well, at least I wasn't home playing online computer games, ha ha ha, I keed, I keed). I've been obsessed with a number of smart, funny female writers (SFFWs, for the acronym lovers out there) lately, because, well, I've been known to get crushes by simply reading a single paragraph of prose. It should be noted that my M is, alas, not very funny at all, but she is rather smart and used to write a 'zine, (A blog for people who have ambition), in which she makes everything from drinking coffee to walking home from class sound vaguely erotic, so that's not too shabby.

Otherwise, work has been a drag, sunshine is wonderful but allergies are not, and if AD gets cancelled I'm never watching FOX again.

Tomorrow: Hamburgers with the SFFWs of Filterless!!!!

Let me solve all your problems!

I consider myself a smart guy. No, well, not that smart. Never mind. I don't know the capital of Paraguay or how many acres are in a square mile or who should win this season of American Idol. What I meant is that I consider myself a Wise guy. And not wise guy as in the short lived Ken Wahl-starring TV drama. More like wise man. Someone you should trust. Someone you should turn to in times of need. I will help you when no one else will.

So, I've decided to become an advice columnist. You, my lovely reader-muffins, will write to me, and I will solve your problems. You, my sweet chick-peas, will choose an appropriate alias, like "Confused in New York," and I will post your letter here and my witty, insightful, and WISE response, so that rest of my 2958729357 blog readers who happen to have a similar problem can receive guidance in their own lives as well.

I see, my tender cutlets, that you are skeptical. You doubt my ability as an advice columnist. Fair enough, so far you haven't seen me in action. So, to prove my skill, I will write responses to a few advice-seeking letters. I swiped them from Dear Abby, Savage Love, and two of them I made up myself, but I'm not telling which one is which.

DEAR ******: I'm at my wit's end with my daughter, "Fran." She excelled in school and had a chance to go to college, but she chose to be married instead. Fran is now 35 and on her fourth marriage. I have seen my daughter through one violent marriage, amphetamine addiction, and one episode where she overdosed on medication and I had to rush her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped.
Fran can't hold a job because she has trouble getting along with others. My deepest concern is that she will commit suicide. She has been verbally abusive to me, but I can't just write her off. Fran is my daughter, and there are grandchildren to consider.
She refuses counseling. She says all they do is talk, and they can't do anything. She also thinks she is smarter than the counselors are. The children's father is no help. He's an alcoholic. Can you help me? -- WALKING ON EGGSHELLS IN THE MIDWEST

Dear WOEITM, Wow, your daughter sure is in a pickle. I wonder where she learned such self-destructive behavior? Could it be from her MOTHER!!? I'm guessing the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this case. No wonder she's verbally abusive. But, seriously, I wouldn't worry too much. Fran treats marriage casually than most, like, say, a long-term relationship. And 4 LTRs in 17 years isn't that crazy. And I wish you would have told me what kind of amphetamines she was taking, and how she got them. Me, personally, haven't gone done that path much, save for occasionally drinking red bull or expresso in excess, or the one time on Halloween '01 when I took some ritalin pills and was up til 5 am. That was a great night. Good times....

I'm a 21-year-old hetero, two weeks from finishing my tour in Afghanistan, and I have a question about strip clubs. I live in St. Louis and enjoy the pleasures of East St. Louis as often as I can. One of the first things I'm going to do when I get home is get drunk and blow a bunch of money at one of the fine strip clubs there. I have no problem with a hot stripper sucking money from my wallet, but what do I do about strippers who aren't my type? If a less-than-attractive-to-me stripper gets on my lap, what is the best way to get rid of her without her telling all the other girls I'm an asshole?
Soldier Coming Home

God bless America and God bless our troops! You, sir, are a true American hero. But, seriously, strip club etiquette is a fine art, one that I've studied for years. Strippers, by nature, aren't very smart, so the key to subtly getting rid of them is simple: give them something to think about. Like a story problem. When I a too-old too-fake fake-blond saddles up to you and asks that age-old question "Are you having a good time," simply nod and say something like "A train leaves Boston at 2 pm travelling west at a constant speed of 45 mph. Meanwhile, at 3 pm (eastern time) a train leaves chicago travelling towards Boston at a constant speed of 55 mph. At what exact time will the two trains meet?" Don't say anything until she gives you an answer, and if she says anything but the obviously correct answer you shall say "incorrect" in your least asshole-ish tone. She should leave you alone shortly, making room for the sweet 22 year old victim of abuse in the catholic schoolgirl outfit to grind her sweet yodel-patch on the crotch of your dockers.

Who is your favorite French film director?

Bypassing the usual suspects of Renoir, Godard, Melville, Tati, Truffaut, and Varda, and God help me if I meet another girl in her twenties who loves Amelie, my favorite is most certainly M. Robert Bresson. Since my first exposure to him in film class, he showed me that actors are essentially inessential; that with the well-placed use of editing, voice-over, cinematogrophy, and sound design everything that motivates and moves a character can easily be revealed without paying anyone 25 million dollars per film. Pickpocket and A Man Escaped are two perfect pieces of cinema, and it's too bad that they don't have adequate DVD presentations. Granted, his earlier films are a little less brilliant, but still, if I had to give one reason for majoring in film instead of computer science or business I'd simply say "Robert Bresson" in the best French accent I could muster.

What did you do today?

Well, today I went to work as usual. It was okay, though friday afternoons are always super boring. After work I went downstairs to a psuedo-bar located in the lobby of my building, and watched the mighty Brewers of Milwaukee beat the Chicago Cubs in 12 innings. I always root for the Brew-Crew until they are assured of a losing record, but I was a bit conflicted due to the fact that if the cubs won I would be able to buy beers for a dollar apiece. As it was, I had three brews, hung out with my youthful and possibly all republican coworkers for a good hour and a half, played some cards, and had a nice time before taking the train home. The three beers kind of ruined my plan of ultimate production (laundry, return movies, clean house) that I had planned for my girlfriendless friday night, and inevitable led to more drinking. But i did return that dvd.

So, anyway, as you can see I am awesome at giving advice or answering ridiculous open-ended questions. If you, my succulant reader, have any questions to ask, please write to clownpenis@email.com and I promise to help you out. And, yes, I am aware that the email address seems a bit ridiculous, but every other email address was taken, so sorry about that.

Once again, please email clownpenis@email.com for any questions and/or personal problems, and I will fix your sorry life right here on this bloggity blog.