An Inconvenient Truth... that it is fucking hot today

About five minutes ago I was sitting at the computer, surfing the web idly and listening my yahoo radio station, when I heard a loud 'bang.' I thought to myself, "Gee, that nearly sounded like a gunshot." A minute or so later I heard a similar noise, repeated a few times. I walked into the living room and asked M what it was. Then we started hearing it in rapid succession, and it sounded like it was coming from somewhere close. Ten seconds later I looked to find both M and I on our belly's lying on the wooden living room floor. I heard our upstairs neighbors' footsteps scampering around. Only when I heard the sizzle of an exploding roman candle did I realize that fireworks were being set off, instead of being a close witness to a Wicker Park drive-by.

My parents visited this weekend, Saturday to Sunday, bringing us a futon suitable for inebriated guests and helped us hang pictures on our cardboard-plaster walls. We walked around my new neighborhood and downtown, ate pizza and drank micro-brews, took squinty-eyed pictures of each other. Today we went downtown and to Navy Pier, my parents took pictures of various buildings, most noticeably the Chicago Theater, whose impressive sign caught their attention. What didn't seem to catch their attention was the fact that the Chicago Theater marquee was welcoming "International Mr. Leather 2006."

What a horrible weekend to be hosting such an event, temps in the 90s today. By the way, if anyone googling 'international mr. leather 2006' winds up on this webpage, welcome!

Up to Speed

Our new apartment is so big that I've established an unenforceable rule that says that one person can't yell across the apartment to the other person, since there's no way to hear each other. If I want to, say, make nachos and watch basketball (on network TV only, natch), I have to prepare everything in the kitchen and then take everything about fifty feet away to the living room. By the time I've reached my destination, the cheese temperature is unsatisfyingly low. Despite the vast expanse of the place, every footstep on the sagging hardwood floors produces tremendous noise. The noises seem to be louder at 6:30 am, when I'm trying to sleep. There are ants, little black ones, in the bathroom. We have used an entire bottle of ant-killer spray and 8 mini-ant-traps, but still find at least a couple ants per day. This doesn't bother me in the slightest, as these ants rank nearest the bottom of the giant list of hated insects.

The move went OK, except for the fact that my bike got stolen during. The movers left it in the back alley of my old place before loading it onto the truck, and shockingly someone decided that they would like an old but dependable Trek bicycle. Worse was the fact that the movers disavowed themselves of any responsibility, and even charged me for the 45 minutes they spent 'looking' for the bike and yelling at my old building manager. Repeated phone calls to management produced a similar response. So, if you live in Chicago and are looking for a moving service, God have mercy on your pathetic soul if you go with "The Professionals - Moving and Storage", thepromove.com.

The fact that I now live closer to the loop is tarnished by the fact that my commute actually takes longer, thanks to trains that are so crowded I consider myself lucky if I can squeeze into the first one that comes along, which I've managed to do about 55% of the time so far. Plus I have to walk further to the train and to my office. Only good thing is now I have an easy way home at 3 am on a Saturday morning.

The week after moving we went to New York for four days. Much better than the last time around, lots of late nights and drinking and expensive food. Finally got to go to MoMA as well, which was even better than I had hoped. Jennifer Bartlett's "Rhapsody" was the greatest thing ever.

Last weekend was our first relaxing one in about a month, I went to see Saturday Looks Good to Me play on Friday, alone since M was 'tired.' I'm shocked that they don't draw a bigger crowd, there was probably only 35 people there, if that, which is sad considering that in the four bands who played there was about 17 people combined. Usually after I've seen a band live a few times I start complaining about how every show is now selling out and all these new fans weren't there from the beginning like I was. I'm not sure what is wrong with everybody. But I ended up having a great time, bought a couple LPs and had a few drinks with some complete strangers, none of whose names I can recall. My Saturday was crushed by my resulting hangover. No regrets, however.

Abraham Lincoln Delivering a Pizza in a Hurricane

This week is MOVING WEEK, and today will be the first day going to the new place, with a carload of crap. M compares today with Christmas, but I instead compare it to the time when we rushed around and got unnecessarily stressed out and had a fistfight. We've packed a bunch of stuff, but there is a lot more to go, none of which is mine. But as long as there is no rain this Saturday, and our new place isn't covered with cockroaches, I'll be cool. I've been spending my time trying to find a place to watch sports in the new 'hood; it appears that all my searches combining 'sports bar' and 'wicker park' have returned no results. Most likely I'll be stuck somewhere staring at a totally retro 13 inch black and white screen while sipping a $12 apple-tini and listening to Japanese techno spun by someone whose DJ-moniker is a sex or violence inspired verb.

Cable will not be installed at the new place until (at least) football season, if at all. M is crushed, due to the 27 hours of Home and Garden TV she's been watching a week, especially since it's difficult to find copies of Househunters on YouTube. I, on the other hand, am excited about our return to the rabbit ears, I can imagine a summer filled with late-night walks and actual socializing, of reading a book a week and purifying my mind with actual knowledge. I may also get NetFlix or something.

Aside from baseball highlights (my first ever fantasy baseball team is off to a great start. Granted, it's in a public Yahoo league, but I've always been very self-conscious about my baseball know-how (I didn't know what WHIP meant until recently). But through some impatient competitors and some savvy waiver-wire pickups, my team is stacked with the likes of Berkman, Manny, Andruw Jones, Jason Bay, Giambi, Mauer, Schilling, R. Johnson, Ben Sheets, Chris Capuano, Tom Gordon, and Coco Crisp.) , there's only a few things I'm going to miss on cable before football season:

1. The Colbert Report - I gave mild props to this show awhile back, but lately it is can't-miss. I've even been skipping the Daily Show and not turning on the TV until 10:30 lately. He has worked the early kinks out of his character and the show's format, wielding his masterful use of irony like, uh, Chow Yun Fat in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon did with that weird green sword. Anyway, it's brutally funny, and the strange thing is that idiots seem to enjoy the program too, since they believe he's being sincere. So it's got something for everyone. Colbert actually was the keynote speaker at last weekend's White House Correspondent's Dinner, and said the following while sitting ten feet away from the President:

"I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."

You can read the entire speech here. For an event which is traditionally filled with gentle Leno-esque lobs and chuckles, there was no punches pulled, and that took some huge balls.

2. Wonder Showzen - Though the new episodes aren't as great as the first season's, this show remains one of the most disturbing things on television. Picture Sesame Street, except with the puppets getting sex change operations and harassing homeless people on the street, plus small children reporters asking stockbrokers "When the revolution comes, where will you hide?" and other questions. M says the show gives her nightmares, it's just that good. Lots of clips on YouTube.

Uh, well, a list of two things isn't much of a list. Just missing the cut: Pardon the Interruption, South Park (non Oprah's talking vagina episodes only), and the Real World. I pray to God my TV reception is good enough to watch the season finale of Veronica Mars next week.

Last weekend I watched about 15 of the 17 televised hours of the NFL draft, something I haven't been able to do for a number of years. It was great, save for the ESPN personalities and their various quirks. I don't know if you are regulars on the great sports blog Deadspin.com, but you will never look at Chris Berman's face again the same way if you read this, and then this, this, this, and this. Disturbing, yes, but a great new catchphrase = priceless.

I got an email last Friday saying I've been awarded two tickets to the Friday May 12th taping of Late Night with Conan in Chicago. I'll be in New York, but if anyone wants to pretend to be me for a day (and fulfill your greatest fantasy) I'd be happy to give you the email. I'm not sure how they're going to be checking people, it sounds more like it's going to be first come/first served anyway.

I went to see the "Comedians of Comedy" tour last Friday, featuring the stand-up comedy of Patton Oswalt, Eugene Mirman, Brian Posehn, and Maria Bamford. It was great; I've never been to any sort of comedy show in which I've actually laughed before. And I laughed a lot. That is all.