The Worst Movies of All Time*

*Obviously I have not seen every movie ever made, but I have seen plenty. To narrow down the field even further, however, these are all the worst movies I've seen AT THE THEATRE. Therefore, I can escape providing any worthwhile analysis of these films, but instead provide worthless anecdotes from my younger years. These are in no particular order. Enjoy!

Links for each movie are to their IMDB page

1. Down Periscope (1996)- This gem, starring Kelsey "Frasier" Grammer, illustrated life on board a wacky submarine. As one of the first and only films in the "Submarine Comedy" genre, it obviously had a lifetime's worth of classic submarine jokes to work with. Unfortunately, there are zero classic submarine jokes.

2. Independence Day (1996)- In the summer of 1996 I was 17 years old, and loved this movie. Loved it so much that I saw it twice, once with a (now long lost) friend and once with my family. "It's the greatest science-fiction movie since Star Wars!" I bragged at the time. GUESS WHAT? All 17-year-olds are fucking idiots.

3. Godzilla (1998)- This movie was a flop through and through, but of course I was still dumb enough to watch it. As the closing credits rolled, my friends and I all knew that we had wasted our precious money. The fact that the credits were accompanies by a Puff Daddy bastardization of a Led Zeppelin song just rubbed salt in our wounds.

4. Twins (1988)- This was the first PG-13 movie I ever saw in the theatre (if at all), courtesy of my parents. I know this is a decision every parent must make at one point or another: When to defy the MPAA. I'm sure my parents were thinking: "Hey, it's a comedy, the commercials look funny, how bad could it be?" Today I am a horrible human being, and I blame my parents 100%.

5. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)- I know this one gets load of critical acclaim and high ratings, and I was greatly anticipating it. I had read the books as a young teen, and had convinced my family to make it our annual 'Xmas Movie.' Perhaps it was the particular theatre we were in, but by the time the movie finished I was tired and sore. 3 incredibly boring hours in theatre seats = approx four minutes of ass rape.

6. Chicago (2002)- I was never one for musicals, and this wasn't my choice. Of course there was a girl involved, so I patiently sat through the movie, which I hated. I also had a bad sore throat at the time, one which would later reemerge every month for the entire spring/summer of 2003. After the movie, while in the hot darkness of the girl's bed/futon, I told her she made me happy. A minute later I was dumped.

7. Fantasia (1940)- I'm not positive how old I was when my parents took us to see this at the theatre, perhaps 6 or 7. Parents thought: "Hey, it is Disney, fucking Mickey Mouse, the kids will love it." My dim memories recall being bored, and then my parents putting on my coat halfway though, going to the lobby, and demanding their money back.

8. Firestorm (1998)- I saw this one during winter break of my freshman year in college, because of boredom and the fact that an object of my affection was coming along. Life Lesson #4867: No matter what the intentions of a then-romantic 18-year-old, a Howie Long starring role will crush all hopes and dreams.

9. Turner and Hooch (1989)- Tom Hanks + Slobbery Dog = Comedy GOLD, you say. I would normally agree. The occasion of seeing this movie coincided with my best friend at the time's 10th birthday party. We, along with a half dozen other children, went to the movie together, which was to be the first in a series of fun activities (the others involved hot dogs, baseball, a sleepover, Nintendo, and whatever else 10-yr-olds do.). However just before the end of the movie I puked all over myself and theatre seat. The theatre was gracious enough to lend me a large paper tub, usually reserved for overpriced popcorn, so that I could feverishly sit in the passenger seat of my best friend's mom's stationwagon, with my friends playing in the backseats, and be driven home without defiling the automobile.

10. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)- I saw this movie while on a "Youth Group" trip to the local (i.e. 45 minutes drive away) mall as a 6th grader. Somehow yours truly, never one to hold any great influence or popularity, convinced no less than four other kids to see this movie with me. (I think one of my persuasive arguments was "Vanilla Ice is in it!") One of these people was my sixth grade and first ever girlfriend, named Kandi. "Girlfriend" at the time was a term without a real solid definition. I do remember sometime during the later half of the horrible movie I finally mustered enough courage to try and hold her hand. Being the gentlemen that I was, both then and now, instead of simply firmly grabbing her hand in mine I choose to slightly stroke the top of her hand with my fingertips. This tactic produced a reaction similar to when a small spider crawls across your skin, so she (now) understandably jerked her entire arm away with the maximum force possible. Our relationship was never quite the same. This left quite an impression on me, as I didn't attempt to touch another woman with the same intentions or optimism until roughly seven years later.

Food Finale: Tuesday

Well, this was the last day of recording my food and alcohol consumption. Today was another pretty normal day, save for the beers and snacks, which were a result of getting out of work 45 minutes early and choosing to go to bar instead of home. Dinner was almost exclusively from Trader Joe's, which doesn't represent my normal eating habits.

Food:

Two S’mores-flavored Pop Tarts
One cup green tea
One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with yellow mustard on Whole Wheat bread
One fat free Key Lime Yogurt
One kiwi
One small leftover salad featuring spinach and mushrooms and some other weird things
Medium-sized bowl of popcorn
Very small bowl of kettle chips
One salmon patty (baked in toaster over) on a whole wheat bun with spicy mustard AND salsa.
Small serving of homemade apple sauce
Small serving of penne with eggplant and mushrooms (from frozen package)
A few Reece’s Pieces

Alcohol:

Two bottles of Miller Genuine Draft
Two Bourbons on the rocks

****

So, what have I learned? Nothing. My lunches are boring (though a usual weekly sample would have some over-priced cafeteria food or some other work lunch out) and I can make a decent dinner if I have the time and energy. I also drink too much. It should also be noted that for the entire week I was eating dinner with M, so I didn't have a chance to be on my own and lazy. Overall though, hopefully I can avoid laziness and eat more vegetables and all of these things.

I do apologize for wasting everyone's time. The exercise was largely self-indulgent and should have been done privately. If you have comments, feel free to leave them. Non-food related posting shall resume tomorrow.

Food: Monday

Another boring food day, as I had 'the usual' for lunch and leftovers again for dinner. Complete lack of vegetables is disturbing. Beginning today I have switched to a new kind of bread; one without any weird preservatives or, apparently, taste. Also, our endless supply of "Curry Beef" has finally been exhausted, so look for something new for dinner tomorrow.

Food:

One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with yellow mustard on Whole Wheat bread
One fat free Black Cherry Yogurt
One apple
One kiwi
3 oz baby carrots
Two individually wrapped packs of Keebler club crackers and cheese
One Nature Valley ‘Sweet n Salty Nut: Cashew’ snack bar
One large bowl of “Curry Beef” with white rice
16 oz glass of Low Sodium V-8
One small piece of chocolate shaped like a race car.
A few Reece's Pieces.

Alcohol:

Two Sidecars.

Food: Sunday

Today was a lazy day, leftovers for dinner plus whatever else I could find for lunch. In retrospect, I probably could have done without that last drink.

Food:

16 oz glass of orange juice
One bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats with 1% milk
4 oz of apple juice
Large romaine lettuce salad, with one tomato, feta cheese, and Newman’s Own Light Raspberry Walnut dressing
One cob of corn, with ICBINB and salt
One large bowl of “Curry Beef” with rice
Four “mini” whole wheat pita pockets with Chipotle Pepper Hummus

Alcohol:

Two Caipirinhas
Two Bourbons on the rocks

Food: Saturday

Okay, any chance of this experiment accurately resembling what my typical diet is can be thrown out the window right now. This morning we went grocery shopping at 'Trader Joes' for the first time, buying a ton of things that possibly are healthy. Maybe if I keep writing down my food intake, even if it's not to be published for as many as 9 people to peruse, I will eat so healthy that I'll live forever. Today, however, we made crockpot full of meat.

Food:

20 oz glass of orange juice (from concentrate)
One Kiwi
One large blueberry-raspberry bran muffin with ICBINB
Eight Pieces ‘Low-Fat’ California Roll from Trader Joes with Wasabi and Ginger
3 oz Safeway Frozen Stir Fry vegetables microwaved and lightly salted.
Two large servings of “Curry Beef”: beef, potatoes, carrots, onions, tomatoes w/ Curry seasoning and hot sauce, made in crock pot.
Two servings of plain white rice

Alcohol:

½ bottle of wine: Charles Shaw Shiraz

Food: Friday

Today was a bit of an anomaly, as we went out for dinner. I was stuffed afterwards. Crab Cake Tater Tots are the best thing ever.

Food:

Two S’mores-flavored Pop Tarts
Two Cup Green Tea
One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with yellow mustard on 100% Whole grain bread
One Strawberry Flavored Yogurt
One apple
One Kiwi
One generous handful dried apricots
½ Order of Crab Cake Tater Tots from Blue Line Club Car Restaurant
One house salad with Italian dressing from B.L.C.C.
8 oz Yellow Fin Blackened Tuna with Cajun Spices from BLCC
One small portion mashed potatoes from BLCC
One small portion steamed broccoli from BLCC

Alcohol:

One 22 oz bottle of Fat Tire Ale
Approx One Shot of Brandy

Food: Thursday

So, usually I eat two sandwiches for lunch, so maybe this whole full-disclosure thing has gotten to me. But, as I mentioned before, that NYT article kind of spooked me too, so I've been being more self-conscious for the last couple weeks. Yesterday I was starving when I left work, but after dinner I felt no need to snack. Anyway, here's Thursday's food (listed in mostly chronological order, save for the green tea, one cup of which I had in the morning in order to warm up after being stuck outside waiting for the train for 40 minutes, and the other when I arrived home, just before I started cooking dinner.):

Food:

One individually wrapped pack of Keebler club crackers and cheese
One Nature Valley ‘Sweet n Salty Nut: Cashew’ snack bar
Two cups green tea
One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with yellow mustard on 100% Whole grain bread
One apricot-mango flavored yogurt
One apple
½ of an orange (it was gross)
One handful raisins
8 oz venison steak, cut into small pieces, dredged in flour, and fried in vegetable oil, served with ketchup
10 oz Safeway Frozen Stir Fry vegetables (asparagus, beans, carrots, squash, mushrooms, onions, celery, cauliflower), microwaved and lightly salted.
One piece 100% Whole grain bread, topped with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light.

Alcohol:

One Sidecar
One Bourbon on the rocks.

Food: Should Your Children be Eating It?

A little less than two weekends ago I came across an essay called 'Unhappy Meals' in the NYT Sunday Magazine. (It is no longer available for free at the NYT website, but now you can find it here.) It is very long but worth reading; if you are illiterate there is a basic summary at the end.

When it comes to food I'm generally semi-healthy, at least compared to the national average: I rarely buy snacks, I try to eat balanced meals, I look at the 'nutritional info' of just about everything I buy. Sure, there are days which a frozen pizza or can of Chunky Soup is the majority of my dinner, (not to mention the constant heavy consumption of alcohol), but by and large I don't do too badly. There is room for improvement, more fresh veggies would be welcome, and I consume too many processed foods. The aforementioned article kind of scared me, however. I mean, I may eat my lunch sandwiches on 100% Whole Grain Bread, but it is bread that has about 50 ingredients I can't pronounce and has been made in a factory by bread-making robots as opposed to by a jolly baker with a mustache.

I've always thought that it is increasingly difficult to eat healthily, or to be healthier in general, a) the poorer you are, and b) the lazier you are. While my salary isn't giant by any means, I don't have whiny kids to support, and generally can buy what I want (though I am always looking for sales; I don't think I've ever purchased meat that wasn't on sale). As far a laziness goes, well, obviously some of that is in play. Some of it is laziness in cooking, though usually I try to make a game effort. More of the laziness should be attributed to my shopping habits, which are rather infrequent. There isn't a grocery store (besides Aldi's) within walking distance, which means there isn't a shopping trip consisting of picking up a few things for dinner, there are only infrequent shopping trips to the Dominick's nearly two miles away consisting of filling a shopping cart to the top and spending $100-$175 dollars (depending on alcohol purchases). When our food supply begins to dwindle, or at least the exciting things we bought at the store are gone, and we are left with some frozen meat in the freezer and whatever else has been sitting in cupboards for the last six months things get a bit harder, and I'd like to think that, if the Aldi's was replaced by a locally grown produce market, I'd be eating a lot healthier.

Anyway, in order to waste everyone's time, I've decided to document my eating habits for the next week. I will be honest, and I'll try not to let my full disclosure influence any of my food or alcohol enjoyment (though I may hesitate when drinking vermouth straight from the bottle at 2 am). I'll try to include everything except water (which I usually drink about 24-40 oz of a day during the work week, and usually slightly less on weekends) because it is not worth mentioning. I'm not going to be overly precise, but still as accurate as possible.

Because I have a good memory, and in order to get this week over with a day earlier, I'll begin by listing yesterday's consumption. I've included 'Drink' with Food, but kept Alcohol separate. I'm not sure why.

So, here goes:

Wednesday, Feb. 7
Food:
Two servings of peaches & cream instant oatmeal
One cup green tea
Two individually wrapped packs of Keebler club crackers and cheese
One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with Miracle Whip Light on 100% Whole grain bread
One low fat Strawberry-Banana Yogurt
One kiwi
One apple
One handful of dried apricots
Approx. 4 oz Low Sodium V8
About a dozen sesame-flavored crackers topped liberally with Brie cheese
One Falafel sandwich (spicy) from Sultan’s Market
One Large Bowl of Lentil Soup from Sultan’s Market

Alcohol:
Two sidecars (brandy, triple sec, and lime juice)