Swan Swan Hummingbird Hurrah

Today was my first day at work since last Thursday, and it felt like an underwater dream. Nearly everyone was relocated to a new cubicle, a process which mainly occurred on Friday when I was busy sleeping in and doing other important non-work things that I'm sure were fantastic but right now I can't seem to recall any of them. I do know that later in the evening we ate out at a new restaurant (Francesca's Forno, good but small portions and touch pricey) and went to see a movie* but it was sold out so we bought tequila and came back home and watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang instead.

*The movie we were going to see was The Last Kiss, which has gotten nothing but horrible reviews and the more I see/hear about it the more I don't want to see it. M was a big Garden State fan, and though I initially liked that film on the first viewing, every time since I've realized its many flaws, which cut through me like a jagged knife, making me cringe. And suddenly Zach Braff (who I've also been a fan of by the way, I've seen nearly every episode of Scrubs since the pilot (a show which in its last season has disappointingly become to seem rather formulaic)) is considered some sort of film soundtrack genius, but whose selections, The Shins aside (though they won't change your or anyone else's life), are largely made up of weepy singer-songwriter types and other mostly boring music. Perhaps I should stare off into space, looking wistful, perhaps, while some delicate guitar picking is heard; I will be a soulful and beautiful person. Anyway, haven't seen the movie, so I'm not justified to give a proper review.

Back to the main topic: new cubicle wasn't properly cleaned, and had a few things still in the desk drawers. This was disappointing because my previous cubicle is now occupied by my new cubicle's former resident (i.e. we switched), and I had spent much of Thursday afternoon inhaling fumes from a most likely illegal ammonia-based cleaner as I scrubbed up years of dust (I'd only been there a year and a half, but it certainly wasn't cleaned when I moved in). After cleaning, I tried to arrange my files and belongings exactly like I had them in my previous location (you are thinking, a cube is a cube, what's the problem here, Complainy McGee?) Well, it just felt different. Maybe because of the different lighting. I'm pretty sure my drawers are one centimeter narrower than previously. Also, the aisle separating the cubicle across from me used to be about six feet wide, now it is barely four. I am at least twenty feet farther from the nearest printing location. Whereas I used to have an empty cube in front of me, now it is occupied (and in fact, if you picture me as Jim J. Bullock in the center square, I used to be bordered on only four of a possible eight sides, whereas now I'm bordered on no less than seven), and, worse, whereas I used to work next to a bunch of people who I never actually worked with, now I am sandwiched by my two closest colleagues. And finally, and most severe, my same computer has been moved with me, but now I'm unable to access my fantasy baseball team, my football pool, and every other website with the word 'fantasy' in the URL due to corporate fascist filters, except for, oddly, my fantasy football team, on a generally slower than usual Internet, mind you. All of this, combined with the fact that I was coming off of a four-day unproductive and late-sleeping weekend, resulted in a not very productive day.

Other highlights from the weekend include another good meal out (at the Pacific Cafe, which was great, though I'm vowing never to eat tempura for at least a couple years), making vegetable soup, watching four episodes of Angel, meeting a long lost friend for only one beer and one hour, buying a bottle of Cachaca (which isn't too easy to find) and making endless caipirinhas, each of which was better than the last. Otherwise, not much worth sharing with the common unwashed such as yourself.

Red Thunder: Refreshing Beverage or Sign of the Apocalypse?

My apartment is 3 short blocks* from an Aldi's grocery store. For you international readers, Aldi's is a grocery store which sells mostly generic brand food for batshit-insane prices. Though, for some reason, they charge you for both the use of a shopping carts and for bags to put your food in. This means I visit once or twice a week and carry a handful of food home. Usual purchases include hamburger and hotdog buns, eggs, tortilla chips, and cereal.

A couple months ago I discovered 'Red Thunder,' which is the Aldi's equivalent of Red Bull energy drink. Selling a pack of four for just $1.99, I couldn't help but try it. I don't at present remember any specific times drinking that first four-pack, but I can tell you that it did the trick for the lowest possible price. I'm not an energy-drink fiend, but I do enjoy it from time to time, mixed with some sort of alcohol. However, on my last few trips, I've noticed it was out of stock, probably due to the terrific bargain it provided. Well, on Sunday I stopped by to pick up some salsa and bread, and found that there was one last four-pack on the shelves. They had, however, raised the price to $2.99, which luckily is still a good deal. I placed the four-pack in the fridge, where it patiently waited for its moment to strike.

Well, Tuesday I got home from work at about six and wasn't very hungry, and neither was M. We agreed to make spaghetti and meatballs later on, but for now we wouldn't worry about food. I said to myself, 'Well, I'm only slightly hungry, but I think maybe I deserve a drink to tide me over.' Unfortunately, we were out of beer, and the only alcohol in the house was vodka and vermouth. I didn't feel like a martini, so was prepared to walk out of the kitchen unsatisfied. But then I remembered the Red Thunder, and gleefully poured myself a 35/65 ratio of vodka to the tiny innocent little can. The rest of the evening passed, I enjoyed watching some bad reality TV, making dinner and hanging out with M and Kim Gordon the Cat. I went to bed around 11:30 p.m. A half-hour later I realized I was surprisingly too wired to sleep. I got up and watched some TV and enough of Elizabethtown to realize it was horrible, ate some snacks, drank some water, and lied down again at about 1:30 am. The next four hours were filled with tossing and turning and not being about to keep one coherent thought in my head for more than three seconds. Eventually the cat woke up and amused herself by biting me for an hour, then M got up for work. More tossing and turning, and a few minutes here and there of slightly dozing off and it was time to go to work. I hadn't felt so tired since the days of all-night-writing-that-very-important-paper-in-college-and-then-handing-it-in-before-I-passed-out. Work was largely a bust, I left an hour early and fell asleep when I arrived home for a two-hour nap. I woke up to sit dazed on the couch for a bit, then returned to bed at a normal time to toss and turn for most of another night. Damn You, Red Thunder!

Good news is that I don't have to get up early tomorrow, as I took vacation days both Friday and Monday, for no important reason. In fact, I just drank another Red Thunder & Vodka. I'll let you know at 4 a.m. how that goes.

*When I say 3 short blocks, I don't mean that 3 blocks by definition is a short distance, but that each of the 3 blocks separating me from Aldi's are actually unusually short blocks, so that it seems more like 1.75 blocks away. I apologize once again for the confusing syntax.

First Annual National Football League Preview: 2006 Edition

I've received 324 letters that are almost word-for-word identical to this one (grammar corrected by me):

Dear N---,

I've seen your blog. It sucks. Who fucking cares if you have a new cat? Not fucking me, that's for sure. I've never heard of any of the bands you talk about, are you some kind of queer? At least you have stopped knocking our great President lately, whatsamatter hippy?

I love 5 things: The Red, The White, The Blue, 70s Classic Rock, and drinking 25 beers while watching the Bears kick your faggy Packers' asses all of the field. Why don't you write about something decent for a change, motherfucker?

Sincerely,
Dr. Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State

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Well, Secretary Rice and the other 323 readers who were kind enough to drop me a line may have a point here. Aside from the four of you who read the blog on a semi-regular basis, there's not much for the common man to care about. Have I forgotten my roots? What gives me the right to be so exclusive?

I love indie rock, foreign films, and po-mo fiction, but I also love sports. And while past knee injuries (the first one occurred while playing basketball, the second while saving 8 orphans from drowning) have greatly limited my participation in sports over the past decade, my interest and love for it has only grown over the years. Since the past year was the first in which I participated in both a fantasy football, basketball, and baseball league, I've grown accustomed to reading and watching sports more that anything else. My morning routine this summer was to check my fantasy baseball league, and then Pitchfork. Anyway, I have some sort of knowledge on the subject.

My favorite of all the sports in NFL football, because the game has the least amount of flaws. Other leagues' flaws include:

College Football: It's all about the $, Making your own schedule, impossible to care about any team other than your alma mater.
Baseball: Too many players to keep track of, free agency and the Yankees buying whomever they want, individual games don't matter much. (though I'm routing for the Fl. Marlins big time this year)
NBA: 80 foul shots a game, superstar mentality, traveling is legal, shoe contract trumps all.
Hockey: No games on TV, no one really cares.
Tennis: I'm actually getting into this lately, good for watching on Saturday mornings, but no high stakes involved.
Golf: This isn't a sport.
College Basketball: Nothing matters until March Madness, then is awesome.

Anyway, my original idea was to give a very brief preview of the NFL season here, and then supplement my regular bloggy posts by making picks for the upcoming NFL weekend. Well, I can't do that anymore, since two of my most faithful readers and FFLs are in the same football pick pool that I am in, so I can't tip them off. However, below are my general predictions for the year. Granted, I don't have ESPN, so what do I know, aside from reading about 87 so called 'experts'' opinions online. But if picking winners myself the past decade has taught me anything, is that 'experts' usually don't know anymore than you or I. At the end of the year feel free to revisit this post and make fun of me for my incompetence.

Anyway:

NFC Eastern Division:
1. ...

Actually, hold on a second. The first NFL game of the year, Miami at Pittsburgh, is due to kick off in 18 minutes or so, and right now, in order to psych up the fans, Rascal Flats is playing on the TV. A few minutes earlier, Diddy hit the stage. Who comes up with this? Who says, well, I really wasn't planning on watching the game tonight, but I think I'll tune in to hear the new Diddy song and then keep the TV on for the next 3.5 hours and watch every commercial very closely? NO ONE.

Anyway:
1. This seems to be one of the most competitive divisions in football, since every team could either be very good or very bad but most likely all very above-average. Any team could finish first and I wouldn't be surprised at all.

*Hold on, getting pizza and watching beginning of game...*

Ok, I'm back. A couple thoughts:

a. I saw only about five seconds of Bob Costas. Why must we sit through a half hour of horrible music and boring sentimentality instead of listening to Bob Costas wax poetic about this wonderful sport? He'll be back to comfort me at halftime, but as far as I'm concerned, I'd take him over Al Michaels in the broadcast booth anytime.
b. Al Michaels, if you don't know, is a huge republican, and has given the maximum individual donation allowed to George W. Bush in the last two elections. As far as a commentator goes, he is okay, and seems more intelligent than average, but I can't get past the fact that he is likely evil.
c. The actual game telecast opened with pop artist Pink singing a song. Once again, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the viewers grimaced in horror as this was happening. I don't find Pink very attractive on TV, but I bet if I saw her in person I'd be drooling. Not sure why. Maybe because she could probably beat me in an arm-wrestling contest.

Back to the NFC east, it's pretty much a toss-up, but I'll go 'Philly-Wash-NYG-Dallas,' for the following reasons: 1. Philly will definitely be better than last year. 2. Washington will be better than in the preseason, but Brunell is awful and my fantasy football keeper Clinton Portis is already hurt. 3. The Giants have the toughest schedule, Eli is already overrated, and Tiki Barber has been due for a declining year for awhile. 4. Dallas is lot of people's pick for the super bowl, but Owens is team-cancer, and Bledsoe is almost as bad as Brunell, and I don't like taking the popular choices.

Moving on: NFC West. 'Seattle-StL-Arizona-SF'. 1. Seattle is largely unchanged from last year, save for losing a great offensive lineman, and gaining a great linebacker. 2. StL looks half-way decent, defense seems better. 3. Arizona is another trendy pick, but defense and OL are horrible. (go L. Fitz for FFball purposes, however) 4. SF is a disaster, worst team in conference?

NFC South: 'Carolina-TB-ATL-NO' 1. Carolina is the trendy pick, but they are the best all-around team here for sure. 2. TB might be a year away offensively, but D always solid. 3. Vick has already reached his ceiling, running game will decline, D was awful against run last year. 4. NO is America's team, but lines suck and Bush is overrated.

NFC North: 'Chi-Minn-Det-GB'. This is pure reverse-psychology, as my secret plan is for the Packers to surprise everyone and win the division, Greg Jennings rookie of the year. But: 1. Bears D is great, Grossman will injure himself while buttering some toast and Griese will be competent. 2. Vikes will run better and D is decent. 3. Lions will be better 4. Farve is a disaster, I'm actually hoping for a career-ending injury in week one. (remember, reverse psychology)

This is going well. Before I move on to the AFC and help myself to yet another beer, here are my football picks for the week. (since the first game has already started, all football pool picks are locked in).

Miami over Pittsburgh
Philly over Houston
NE over Buff
Denver over StL
TB over Balt
Tenn over NYJ
Seattle over Detroit
Cleveland over NO
Cinn over KC
Carolina over ATL
Jax over Dallas
Bears over Packers
ARI over SF
Indie over NYG
Skins over Vikes
SD over Oak

Ok, AFC East: 'Miami-NE-Buff-NYJ' 1. Ronnie Brown is a stud, if Culpepper can avoid sucking they should be a good team. 2. NE will make the playoffs but seem to be losing more and more good players every season. 3. Buffalo is bad but have a good RB and WR, luckily 4. The jets are worse than ever, no offense whatsoever.

AFC West: 'Denver-KC-SD-Oak' 1. Denver always has a good running game, and WRs are improved. 2. KC usually is 'Great O, Horrible D'; this year it will be 'Good O, Average D'. 3. SD has weapons but questionable D (getting shot doesn't help) and newbie QB. 4. Oakland is quarterbacked by Aaron Brooks.

AFC South: 'Indie-Jax-Tenn-Houston' 1. Indie will be less awesome but still good (until the playoffs). 2. Jax needs an offense. 3. Tenn has potential to be a surprise, but have question marks at literally every position at the beginning of the year. 4. Houston should have drafted Reggie Bush, even if he is overrated.

AFC North: 'Cincy-Balt-Pitt-Cleve' 1. Great offense, crappy defense will outscore most for the Bengals. 2. Balt will be better than you think if they can stay healthy. 3. Pittsburgh didn't deserve to win the SB last year, and will come back to earth. 4. Cleveland may be interesting to watch, but won't get to .500 until next year.

Playoffs:
NFC: Seattle, Carolina, Philly, Chicago, Wash, TB.
AFC: Indie, Denver, Cincy, Miami, NE, Jax.
Super Bowl XLI: Seattle over Cincinnati.

It's almost halftime now, so I'm going to go sit and watch Bob Costas work his magic.

ON NOTICE:

On Notice list for today.

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Coming Tomorrow:

The First Annual Wyld Stallyns Blog NFL Football Preview: 2006 Edition

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Pattern Recognition

Kim Gordon* went from crazy fun-loving party kitten to recluse who refused to eat in a span of 48 hours since we brought her home. Turns out she had the flu, and we got some 'prescription' canned cat food from the vet. Now she seems back to normal, save for some sneezing, and has horrible canned cat food breath. Her interests include biting my hands, crashing into furniture, and jumping on my laptop. I haven't had a full, uninterrupted night's sleep since she arrived. And yes, there is cat hair all over the place. And yes, she likes to sleep directly between the two pillows on the bed. And no, she doesn't recognize my authority, and does whatever she wants. 7t=gy0iuuijk <---- SEE THAT??? That was the cat trying to lay on the keyboard. I put her on my lap and tried to resume typing, but she bit my forearm, so I put her on the floor. Five seconds later she jumps onto the file cabinet, hops over the printer, onto the desk, walks around the back of the computer, and now lays down on the mouse-pad, resting her head on my wrist. Am I supposed to find this sort of thing adorable? How am I supposed to do NaNoWriMo this year if I can't get five minutes of peace?

In other news, I haven't been up to anything. A couple wasted weekends, a couple good meals, a fantasy football draft, and not much else. This weekend M's sister is visiting starting tomorrow, not sure what kind of things I'll be doing. Next weekend I plan on seeing The Gossip on Saturday, otherwise not much to be excited about. Today we got out of work early, which was kind of joke anyway, since I did literally 10 minutes of work all day and took a 90 minute lunch for someone's birthday. The early departure meant we walked a block away to drink many beers and play 'bags' (a game which I had never heard of until I had moved to Chicago), winning 5 out of 6 games thanks to a talented partner.

There is something more important that I was going to write about, but I've forgotten for the moment. Look for something important soon, either here or in 'Hi-Cool' form.


* And yes, I know just a few weeks back I promised I wouldn't post pictures of my newly acquired cat and waste valuable time and space explaining how catlike the cat is acting. However, perhaps some of you like that sort of thing. I won't judge you if you do.

I think a hairball might be coming soon. I promise I won't post pictures.