Jellied cranberry sauce in the can - Fuck yeah!

Why Thanksgiving is awesome: Food.

Also: Leftovers in rubbermaid containers.

Why Thanksgiving is sometimes less than awesome: Being yelled at for not getting out of bed early enough, being yelled at for not doing the dishes the night before, being yelled at for not turning the car around when your girlfriend realizes she left her precious cellphone at home. Instead of a friendly greeting, receive list of chores from said girlfriend's father, which include assembling a dining room chair with less than sufficient tools and getting grease all over my fingers and nicest clothes. Greet girlfriend's relatives and get ignored by them the rest of the afternoon. After they leave, have failed conversations with gf's father about bob dylan, alfred hitchcock, and bartending techniques. Being stuck there the next day, let 'the family' go to the mall for six hours while I remain at the house with nothing to do but watch college football and eat and steal about a finger of cognac from the bar. Witness fights and emotional breakdowns among said family upon return. Sleep on a mat on the floor two nights in a row. Then drive home in the rain and girlfriend goes to work for practically two days straight.

There's always money in the banana stand.

Well, a bone has finally been tossed in my direction: After exactly one month of unemployment I finally got actual contact from a company. It's for an Underwriting Assistant job downtown, at some massive company I've never heard of; but apparently they have offices in 20 countries so I guess that's something. I got the tip thanks to a person who shall remain nameless, but whose blog is much more widely read than mine, and whose groupies are much more rabid. Anyway, while shopping yesterday afternoon for bread, italian bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, and hot sauce I got a message from some dude. So I called him back and he asked me the following four questions:

1. What is your employment situation?
2. What are some of your strengths?
3. What about your weaknesses?
4. How do you turn those weaknesses into strengths?

The conversation lasted six and a half minutes. Then he said he was going to talk to the hiring manager, asked if I possibly could interview next week, then said they'd get back to me shortly. So now it's 2 pm on Wednesday, and I've heard nothing. I think I didn't embarrass myself too much in the phone conversation, in fact I thought of myself as quite charming, but I was hoping I'd have heard something by now. Considering that this job is about exactly what I was doing in Madison, I figure I should at least have a chance to interview. If not, I guess I should be applying at McDonald's or something instead. We'll see.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and we're getting up early to go to M's father's house in Milwaukee. She has to work til 1 am tonite. We'll probably have to be there til Saturday morning I think, then she has to work again. I'm cool with not being able to go home I guess, Thanksgiving was never that huge of a thing with my family, just the four of us and no fanfare. Though now my sister's boyfriend has integrated himself enough to be automatically included as well. But I would like to see old pals and good ol' NE wisconsin; I'll have to wait until Xmas-ish I suppose. M's extended family is pretty cool, all of her mom's relatives will be there, and they are pretty fun to hang out with, we'll inevitably end up in the downstairs bar. And I like her sister a lot too, it's just her father that i'm still not quite clicking with. It's understandably, obviously, and he's a hard person for anyone to click with in general I think, and I guess the more time I'm around the better it will be. But I'm really not looking forward to Friday when all the relatives are gone. i think actually that the family is actually planning on going to the mall. On Friday. I plan to stay home and watch college football, you know what happens to me when malls are involved.

An Open Letter to U2 (Irish Rock Band)

Dear U2,

Man, dudes, you've had some great times! Remember the 80's? You guys were en fuego! Up until 1992 even, it was quite a run, and your place in rock 'n roll history has been cemented. Even more incredibly, at the same time you were selling millions of records, and playing huge arena shows. You were making a ton of money. Not only were you lighting your cigars with one hundred dollar bills, but your cigars were made of one hundred dollar bills, tightly rolled.

So, please, I beg you: build a time machine, go back to early 1993, and fucking retire.

Since then, what, a bajillion more dollars? Your 4th record is about to come out and will surely sell millions more, but what's the point, really? Do you just need attention? Your albums in 1993 and 1997 were clearly a musical mid-life crisis, trying to expand your sound with electronic music, but you forgot the songwriting, and record sales were a little lower. Sure, you still played stadiums, and charged enough to cure AIDS in Africa for tickets, but it wasn't enough. In 2000, your 'return to form' was an album so derivative of your 80's output that it bordered on parody. You became caricatures of a formerly great band, and seemed to be enjoying yourselves. Now, you have a new record, which is more of the same, and I'm sure you'll get a flamillion more dollars from it and any tours. Granted, your first single is basically a chorus, with versus that keep the listener praying for the next chorus to end their misery.

And this iPod commercial? I mean, why? For your entire career, despite the loads of money, the conservative recent records, at least you weren't licensing any commercials. It's not like you needed the money. And, what's worse, you actually appear in the commercial! For the love of God!

OK, I admit, I was never a huge fan of yours. I was a bit too young to really be present for your best work, though I do own a few albums. But now there's just so much more of you to hate than love. What kind of pseudonym is 'Bono' anyway? It's poorly translated latin, but why couldn't you just stick with Paul and lose the sunglasses for five minutes? And 'The Edge'??? That's just lame. Why the 'The'? And everyone knows you're as bald as Dr. Evil, so lose the little skullcap you've been wearing since 1993.

You are in your mid-forties. Last night's performance on SNL saw two lame new songs and the hint of past greatness by playing your single from 1980. You've had a good run, but it's time to hang it up. You can play one last time when you get into the rock 'n roll hall of fame, and then that's it. Spend time with your families. Enjoy the countryside. But leave the music alone, for the sake of mankind.

Sincerely Yours,
N.

Sharp Dressed Man

I'm still a bit in shock from the ill-fated Badger game on Saturday, so please excuse me. That set the tone for the weekend, a bit depressing, sunday wasn't much better, too much TV (football, simpsons, arrested development) and not enough book-learnin' or activity. Monday we went to the Field Museum, it was a free admission day, saw a fucking tyrannosaurus rex. Or its bones anyway, which were still cool enough to get my 9-year old self excited. Everything else was a bit downhill; I kept wanting to elbow the million schoolchildren in the head for running around being obnoxious in the egyptian pyramid.

Later Monday we went to the Quadrangle Club, for some dinner for some doctor who did something awesome. I don't know, there were a few speeches but I didn't really pay attention. I concentrated all my energies on trying to look fancy. This place was the fanciest place ever, billiards, wood-paneling, and black waiters everywhere. Probably cigars and leather chairs in a room I didn't see. An open bar, I had a gin and tonic because I couldn't think of anything else to order, and about 3 glasses of wine. We had to sit at a table with 6 other people, 5 doctors and 1 wife of a doctor. The guy sitting next to me gave me unsolicited job advice. I was concentrating on which fork to use. Food was good but not mind-blowing, there were lumps in the mashed potatoes, people! But I still fantasized about being a member ("I'll be at the Club, dear, don't wait up") but I figure in order to do so I'd have to become a giant asshole. C'est la vie.

And then speaking of fish out of water situations, yesterday I spent nearly five hours at a mall. Five hours!!! Usually when I walk into one of those places, I get a pounding headache somewhere between Spencer Gifts and Cinnabuns, but yesterday I was prepared with a dozen advil. Plus, I think it helped that the mall was an outdoor thing, despite having the content of a mall. Which meant I'd shiver between stores, and then walk in and feel incredibly warm. So you'd have to move fast, to achieve some sort of equilibrium. But, my real reason for being extra determined to postpone my inevitable aneurysm was because I had a mission: to buy my girlfriend some "hot" clothes. Don't get me wrong, I think she dresses fine. But I'm not one of those guys who want their ladies to cover it all up in public, taliban-style. To paraphrase ZZTop, as I am often known to do, "It is not only that she has legs, but she must also know how to use them." She does have more skirts than the average girl, I'd say, but most of these come well below the knee, and a lot are classified as "work" clothes, meaning she won't wear them otherwise, due to their unpleasant associations. So because of this, and because I accidentally watched an episode of The O.C. recently, I had miniskirts on the brain, and refused to be discouraged by the fact that it is November, and most stores were more prominently displaying their parkas and wool-lined snow pants. I did get to see several modeled for me, the best of which were way out of my price range and all of which were thick and winterized yet still did the trick. Unfortunately, at this time, none were purchased, though I did wind up getting my Christmas present, a wool peacoat from J. Crew, six weeks early. I don't know how that happened. I'm resolved, come spring, to go on another, more sucessful, shopping spree, purchasing everything possible that uses less than a square yard of material.

Today is Wednesday which meant continental breakfast downstairs, M actually has to work today so I'm going to apply to every job I can this afternoon. I discovered through conversation this morning that I'm actually forbidden to take a walk south of 60th street, in fear that I'll be mugged, killed, or raped (!?). I'm not sure how I feel about being forbidden to do anything, especially something like: Walk four blocks south, everything's A-OK; Walk five blocks south, get badly beaten at one in the afternoon. I don't think things are really that bad here, and I'm not sure if I can muster fear of anything when it's still light outside. She's just afraid of everything, I think.

I think if you eat this, you pretty much don't give a shit about anything.

That's that, Mattress Man!

OK, OK, I know I'm not as funny as I think I am, you don't have to say anything.

Today M is working in the ER until 1 am, which means I'm home on a Friday night with nothing to do and no one to do it with. Out of a metropolitan population of about 9 million, I know exactly 3 people that I'm not sleeping with, all of whom were over on Wednesday at the little dinner party thing (and one of whom reads this blog - a shoutout - the salad was delicious!), which I did end up staying for. But tonight I just planned on reading ("The Autograph Man" - Zadie Smith), watching a movie (Punch Drunk Love, featuring the best non-action movie sound editing ever), and drinking a bit.

Last night we went to Mates of State, which was even better than I'd hoped. A cool space, no smoking, and a larger and more responsive crowd than I expected (but no "Starman" cover, oh well). We danced and got home after midnight. Today stayed in bed for a nice long while, worked out, ate, and have been alone since 2:30. Yesterday I took a walk on 57th st and stopped in 3 bookstores, buying the new Eggers short story collection at the one that I liked by far the best. Also bought two cans of Red Bull in anticipation that M would have trouble staying up past 10, but she found the taste too nauseating. So I just drank one, mixed with a half part vodka, with my frozen pizza dinner. This particular beverage reminds me of a time long past, the combination of alcohol and "energy" often left me, a rather quiet and shy individual, resembling what some might call a normal and well-rounded person, albeit one who likes to stay up until 3 am trying to find someone to make out with. Beer relay races, anyone?

Rejected slogans for Wheat Thins brand crackers

1. Wheat Thins - So good, you'll forget all about the ghost of your unborn child!
2. Wheat Thins - Affirmative Action is an unfair government-run program that deprives qualified white citizens of good jobs, and just fucking hands them over to inferior blacks and spics. Oh, did I mention, Wheat Thins are baked, not fried?
3. Nothing cleanses the palate after your 15th beer like a delicious Wheat Thin brand cracker.
4. Please enjoy a delicious Wheat Thin topped with slices of sausage and cheese, and feel superior to those silly Jews.

Poorly Written Film Reviews

Cool Hand Luke
In this movie, a famous spaghetti sauce maker gets the shit beat out of him many times, but finally atones for it by winning an egg-eating contest. After singing a song about Jesus, he invents a delicious Italian Dressing but doesn't get rich because all profits go to charity.

Mullholland Drive
I admit I fell asleep during this one, but I remember it involved midgets and Billy Ray Cyrus. Upon waking, I saw lots of girl-on-girl action, and then the movie ends with Cyrus winning a dramatic line-dancing contest.

The Passion of the Christ
Super-Hott masochistic thriller about a hippie who is stripped naked and whipped and beaten for two solid hours. Unfortunately, the movie is subtitled (lame!) but I still give it 3 and a half erect penises out of four.

Most Common Lies or Embellishments found on Resumes

1. Star of hit NBC sitcom "Daddio," 2001-2002
2. Proficient player of the zither.
3. Touched Oprah's boob once in an elevator, 1996.
4. Inventor of the sex swing.
5. Classically trained... to rock your fucking socks off, 1988.
6. Played "Uncharismatic Jared" in Subway commercials, 2002-present

Our Constant Concern

So tonite M is having a little dinner party thing, for some residents and new applicants to her program. I think about 7 or 8 people will show up. We cleaned the apartment and bought some things, and will be ordering out for the rest. I will most likely be skipping it, as hours of medical only type talk do not sound appealing. Plus, there's not really room in our apartment for me. Hopefully I'll hide in someone else's apartment and then get leftovers; that's the best I can hope for.

But tomorrow is day worth singing about! Tomorrow we're going to see Mates of State play somewhere on the northwesty side of the city. It'll be my 8th time seeing them, which is by far the most I've seen any band (second place: white stripes, 5 times). The best part is that all 8 times will have been in front of relatively small crowds in small venues, which is always always always the best situation. Most people with questionable musical taste make a point of only liking famous bands, and any concerts are held in arenas with a 35 dollar price tag. Suckahs. The Mates are a great live band (2 persons, keyboard/drums, wife/husband), and one of the few which have me singing (!) loudly and dancing like a fool near the front of the stage. I know them so well that I also feel like a stalker.

Nate convinced me to sign up on friendster. I haven't figured out the point of it yet.

The onion is dead-on this week.

On blogging: I think my blog is rather boring most of the time, since most posts are written due to boredom. When i started I planned on keeping it more abstract, just mini-rants about certain things, but it turned rather quickly into a mindless summary of my non-activities, without ever really getting too personal. This is probably because many readers are people who know me, and I try to stop just inches short of embarrassing myself. I actually used to have a different blog, from May 2003 to the beginning of this year, in which I was completely anonymous and wrote extremely personal things. This 'openness' did seem to attract the ladies, most of which were about 17 years old, but did actually lead to one 3 am hookup and one instance of poor cellphone reception-addled phone sex. Ain't technology grand? But given this opportunity to invent a new persona, I inevitably fail, and resort to a version, though somewhat edited, of myself. Much less stuttering this way, however.

As you know, this blog is read by nearly 1500 people a day, in 53 different countries across 17 timezones. Every day I receive dozens of questions and comments, most of which ask me to sort out some very personal problems of a reader. Of course I do not have time to personally response to each of these questions directly, so here's a bunch of confidential responses to your questions:

"Club soda and lemon will most likely get that stain out."
"The .44 Magnum, while providing considerable stopping power, is too unwieldy for your purposes."
"I would say at least 36 condoms and no less than 8 gallons of gatorade."
"I think you have to ask yourself, 'Am I really going to do any better with this ugly face, even without the bruises?'."
"http://www.cic.gc.ca/"
"Green Bay over Minnesota."
"Try to use the White House's powerful legal team to stop Satan from claiming your soul at the end of your term."
"Use a small amount of mousse, then blow dry."

He'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'd blow our minds

Today is one of those 'worthless days,' spent in permanent hesitation mode. Like when you're in bed looking at the alarm clock saying: "Man, OK, if I get up right now I'll still have 30 minutes to get ready for work" and then waiting a couple more minutes. I used to have days like that all the time during college, in fact, most days were like that some semesters, and I would end up missing all classes and doing nothing. Today wasn't quite that bad, I did go to the grocery store and clean up the apartment a little, but mostly was a waste. I'm seriously disappointed that I've gotten no contact regarding jobs today, I was pretty optimistic about some of the things I applied for last week.

So, for some reason on my computer now my blog looks different, the font size seems way bigger. The same thing has happened on my yahoo home page. I'm sure this is just my computer being weird since new dsl stuff was installed last week, but it's kind of annoying. My blog now looks (to me) like it's designed for ages 4-8, when everyone knows it's only for ages 21+, and can't be read by anyone living in southern states, due to its hardcore content.

I keep hearing all these reports of election fraud (mostly minority disenfranchisement). I'm not sure how credible these are, or if they are not simply created by lefty grief, but all these stories are bothering me a lot, especially now how the bush team is claiming they rule the country and now can do anything they want.

So last weekend was low key, dinner on friday with hospital people, shopping, football, and foosball saturday night (I dominated), and a trip to the north side for more shopping (I found possibly the best record store ever) and mindless walking. Maybe that laziness has contributed to my current state. M will be home soon but she's having dinner with some other hospital person, leaving me to subsist on ice cream and gin. And now it's not even 5 pm and dark already. My goodness.

We did end up buying new bedroom furniture, or additional bedroom furniture anyway. This isn't exactly something I'm apt to get excited about, unlike my domestic partner, so I can't really comment further. Except hooray for not having all my boxers in a pile on the closet floor.

Have a productive day!

So I was thinking we'd move to Toronto, but Monica thinks Vancouver because she likes saying 'Vancouver, British Columbia' in a weird accent. So we're still weighing the pros and cons.

It's strange how anyone who lives outside of a city is more likely to vote Republican. Even in the bluest states. Illinois was mostly red, cept for Chicago, which had Kerry win like 80% of the vote. California and New York were similar too. According to all the news shows this morning, Kerry lost because he didn't say something like "I hate fags." Values, man. I never really bought Bush's faux-Christianity myself, it just always seemed like a ploy the way he'd drop comments into conversation. And Kerry was the one who had considered becoming a priest and could quote chapter and verse from the bible, and people thought that was phony. But I just don't understand the urban/rural divide. Is it because people who live in cities are more likely to understand the role of government in their daily lives? I just don't get it.

I'm pretty nervous about the next four years. If Bush could do the damage he did while still trying to get re-elected, I can't imagine what he'll do without any consequences, with a huge republican majority in congress. I think I'll go to sleep and wake up with a long white beard when Barack Obama is President (2012? 2016?).

On the home front, It's dreary outside, I'm struggling in the job search, feeling paralyzed by the size of the city and the fact that anything outside of walking distance is a huge question mark. We'll see what happens though, my guess is I'll learn to swim by getting drowned. Tonite we're going furniture shopping, which hopefully will be painless.

Choose your own adventure

I wish I could go to a polling place and vote this morning, but since I absenteed nearly three weeks ago I can’t. My building is actually a polling place, I haven’t been downstairs yet to see it. It’ll be a while before anything really comes into focus, but I know that I’d be a whole lot less worried if I was more confident in the validity of the electoral process. If I knew every vote was counted, and that everyone who wanted to vote, could, I’d be a lot better. But nothing more I can do now, I guess. I’ve talked to everyone that I can. So if anyone’s reading and there’s still time, go vote. For John Kerry. There’s nothing good on TV tonight anyway.

So last weekend didn’t go as smoothly as expected, we did go to Milwaukee but didn’t go to either of the Halloween parties; M has been having a rough go of it lately, she managed to get her schedule changed so she doesn’t have to be on call the rest of the month, which is good. Last night was nice though, we grocery shopped and assembled our new TV stand, so the living room and the ‘study’ (the place in the living room with the bookshelves) look nearly complete. We may look for bedroom furniture on Thursday.

Getting DSL by tomorrow if I don’t have it already, today I’ll set everything up on my computer and see what happens. Nothing much else new, I was sick yesterday. More later.