An Open Letter to U2 (Irish Rock Band)

Dear U2,

Man, dudes, you've had some great times! Remember the 80's? You guys were en fuego! Up until 1992 even, it was quite a run, and your place in rock 'n roll history has been cemented. Even more incredibly, at the same time you were selling millions of records, and playing huge arena shows. You were making a ton of money. Not only were you lighting your cigars with one hundred dollar bills, but your cigars were made of one hundred dollar bills, tightly rolled.

So, please, I beg you: build a time machine, go back to early 1993, and fucking retire.

Since then, what, a bajillion more dollars? Your 4th record is about to come out and will surely sell millions more, but what's the point, really? Do you just need attention? Your albums in 1993 and 1997 were clearly a musical mid-life crisis, trying to expand your sound with electronic music, but you forgot the songwriting, and record sales were a little lower. Sure, you still played stadiums, and charged enough to cure AIDS in Africa for tickets, but it wasn't enough. In 2000, your 'return to form' was an album so derivative of your 80's output that it bordered on parody. You became caricatures of a formerly great band, and seemed to be enjoying yourselves. Now, you have a new record, which is more of the same, and I'm sure you'll get a flamillion more dollars from it and any tours. Granted, your first single is basically a chorus, with versus that keep the listener praying for the next chorus to end their misery.

And this iPod commercial? I mean, why? For your entire career, despite the loads of money, the conservative recent records, at least you weren't licensing any commercials. It's not like you needed the money. And, what's worse, you actually appear in the commercial! For the love of God!

OK, I admit, I was never a huge fan of yours. I was a bit too young to really be present for your best work, though I do own a few albums. But now there's just so much more of you to hate than love. What kind of pseudonym is 'Bono' anyway? It's poorly translated latin, but why couldn't you just stick with Paul and lose the sunglasses for five minutes? And 'The Edge'??? That's just lame. Why the 'The'? And everyone knows you're as bald as Dr. Evil, so lose the little skullcap you've been wearing since 1993.

You are in your mid-forties. Last night's performance on SNL saw two lame new songs and the hint of past greatness by playing your single from 1980. You've had a good run, but it's time to hang it up. You can play one last time when you get into the rock 'n roll hall of fame, and then that's it. Spend time with your families. Enjoy the countryside. But leave the music alone, for the sake of mankind.

Sincerely Yours,
N.