First Annual National Football League Preview: 2006 Edition

I've received 324 letters that are almost word-for-word identical to this one (grammar corrected by me):

Dear N---,

I've seen your blog. It sucks. Who fucking cares if you have a new cat? Not fucking me, that's for sure. I've never heard of any of the bands you talk about, are you some kind of queer? At least you have stopped knocking our great President lately, whatsamatter hippy?

I love 5 things: The Red, The White, The Blue, 70s Classic Rock, and drinking 25 beers while watching the Bears kick your faggy Packers' asses all of the field. Why don't you write about something decent for a change, motherfucker?

Sincerely,
Dr. Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State

***

Well, Secretary Rice and the other 323 readers who were kind enough to drop me a line may have a point here. Aside from the four of you who read the blog on a semi-regular basis, there's not much for the common man to care about. Have I forgotten my roots? What gives me the right to be so exclusive?

I love indie rock, foreign films, and po-mo fiction, but I also love sports. And while past knee injuries (the first one occurred while playing basketball, the second while saving 8 orphans from drowning) have greatly limited my participation in sports over the past decade, my interest and love for it has only grown over the years. Since the past year was the first in which I participated in both a fantasy football, basketball, and baseball league, I've grown accustomed to reading and watching sports more that anything else. My morning routine this summer was to check my fantasy baseball league, and then Pitchfork. Anyway, I have some sort of knowledge on the subject.

My favorite of all the sports in NFL football, because the game has the least amount of flaws. Other leagues' flaws include:

College Football: It's all about the $, Making your own schedule, impossible to care about any team other than your alma mater.
Baseball: Too many players to keep track of, free agency and the Yankees buying whomever they want, individual games don't matter much. (though I'm routing for the Fl. Marlins big time this year)
NBA: 80 foul shots a game, superstar mentality, traveling is legal, shoe contract trumps all.
Hockey: No games on TV, no one really cares.
Tennis: I'm actually getting into this lately, good for watching on Saturday mornings, but no high stakes involved.
Golf: This isn't a sport.
College Basketball: Nothing matters until March Madness, then is awesome.

Anyway, my original idea was to give a very brief preview of the NFL season here, and then supplement my regular bloggy posts by making picks for the upcoming NFL weekend. Well, I can't do that anymore, since two of my most faithful readers and FFLs are in the same football pick pool that I am in, so I can't tip them off. However, below are my general predictions for the year. Granted, I don't have ESPN, so what do I know, aside from reading about 87 so called 'experts'' opinions online. But if picking winners myself the past decade has taught me anything, is that 'experts' usually don't know anymore than you or I. At the end of the year feel free to revisit this post and make fun of me for my incompetence.

Anyway:

NFC Eastern Division:
1. ...

Actually, hold on a second. The first NFL game of the year, Miami at Pittsburgh, is due to kick off in 18 minutes or so, and right now, in order to psych up the fans, Rascal Flats is playing on the TV. A few minutes earlier, Diddy hit the stage. Who comes up with this? Who says, well, I really wasn't planning on watching the game tonight, but I think I'll tune in to hear the new Diddy song and then keep the TV on for the next 3.5 hours and watch every commercial very closely? NO ONE.

Anyway:
1. This seems to be one of the most competitive divisions in football, since every team could either be very good or very bad but most likely all very above-average. Any team could finish first and I wouldn't be surprised at all.

*Hold on, getting pizza and watching beginning of game...*

Ok, I'm back. A couple thoughts:

a. I saw only about five seconds of Bob Costas. Why must we sit through a half hour of horrible music and boring sentimentality instead of listening to Bob Costas wax poetic about this wonderful sport? He'll be back to comfort me at halftime, but as far as I'm concerned, I'd take him over Al Michaels in the broadcast booth anytime.
b. Al Michaels, if you don't know, is a huge republican, and has given the maximum individual donation allowed to George W. Bush in the last two elections. As far as a commentator goes, he is okay, and seems more intelligent than average, but I can't get past the fact that he is likely evil.
c. The actual game telecast opened with pop artist Pink singing a song. Once again, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the viewers grimaced in horror as this was happening. I don't find Pink very attractive on TV, but I bet if I saw her in person I'd be drooling. Not sure why. Maybe because she could probably beat me in an arm-wrestling contest.

Back to the NFC east, it's pretty much a toss-up, but I'll go 'Philly-Wash-NYG-Dallas,' for the following reasons: 1. Philly will definitely be better than last year. 2. Washington will be better than in the preseason, but Brunell is awful and my fantasy football keeper Clinton Portis is already hurt. 3. The Giants have the toughest schedule, Eli is already overrated, and Tiki Barber has been due for a declining year for awhile. 4. Dallas is lot of people's pick for the super bowl, but Owens is team-cancer, and Bledsoe is almost as bad as Brunell, and I don't like taking the popular choices.

Moving on: NFC West. 'Seattle-StL-Arizona-SF'. 1. Seattle is largely unchanged from last year, save for losing a great offensive lineman, and gaining a great linebacker. 2. StL looks half-way decent, defense seems better. 3. Arizona is another trendy pick, but defense and OL are horrible. (go L. Fitz for FFball purposes, however) 4. SF is a disaster, worst team in conference?

NFC South: 'Carolina-TB-ATL-NO' 1. Carolina is the trendy pick, but they are the best all-around team here for sure. 2. TB might be a year away offensively, but D always solid. 3. Vick has already reached his ceiling, running game will decline, D was awful against run last year. 4. NO is America's team, but lines suck and Bush is overrated.

NFC North: 'Chi-Minn-Det-GB'. This is pure reverse-psychology, as my secret plan is for the Packers to surprise everyone and win the division, Greg Jennings rookie of the year. But: 1. Bears D is great, Grossman will injure himself while buttering some toast and Griese will be competent. 2. Vikes will run better and D is decent. 3. Lions will be better 4. Farve is a disaster, I'm actually hoping for a career-ending injury in week one. (remember, reverse psychology)

This is going well. Before I move on to the AFC and help myself to yet another beer, here are my football picks for the week. (since the first game has already started, all football pool picks are locked in).

Miami over Pittsburgh
Philly over Houston
NE over Buff
Denver over StL
TB over Balt
Tenn over NYJ
Seattle over Detroit
Cleveland over NO
Cinn over KC
Carolina over ATL
Jax over Dallas
Bears over Packers
ARI over SF
Indie over NYG
Skins over Vikes
SD over Oak

Ok, AFC East: 'Miami-NE-Buff-NYJ' 1. Ronnie Brown is a stud, if Culpepper can avoid sucking they should be a good team. 2. NE will make the playoffs but seem to be losing more and more good players every season. 3. Buffalo is bad but have a good RB and WR, luckily 4. The jets are worse than ever, no offense whatsoever.

AFC West: 'Denver-KC-SD-Oak' 1. Denver always has a good running game, and WRs are improved. 2. KC usually is 'Great O, Horrible D'; this year it will be 'Good O, Average D'. 3. SD has weapons but questionable D (getting shot doesn't help) and newbie QB. 4. Oakland is quarterbacked by Aaron Brooks.

AFC South: 'Indie-Jax-Tenn-Houston' 1. Indie will be less awesome but still good (until the playoffs). 2. Jax needs an offense. 3. Tenn has potential to be a surprise, but have question marks at literally every position at the beginning of the year. 4. Houston should have drafted Reggie Bush, even if he is overrated.

AFC North: 'Cincy-Balt-Pitt-Cleve' 1. Great offense, crappy defense will outscore most for the Bengals. 2. Balt will be better than you think if they can stay healthy. 3. Pittsburgh didn't deserve to win the SB last year, and will come back to earth. 4. Cleveland may be interesting to watch, but won't get to .500 until next year.

Playoffs:
NFC: Seattle, Carolina, Philly, Chicago, Wash, TB.
AFC: Indie, Denver, Cincy, Miami, NE, Jax.
Super Bowl XLI: Seattle over Cincinnati.

It's almost halftime now, so I'm going to go sit and watch Bob Costas work his magic.