The Worst Movies of All Time*

*Obviously I have not seen every movie ever made, but I have seen plenty. To narrow down the field even further, however, these are all the worst movies I've seen AT THE THEATRE. Therefore, I can escape providing any worthwhile analysis of these films, but instead provide worthless anecdotes from my younger years. These are in no particular order. Enjoy!

Links for each movie are to their IMDB page

1. Down Periscope (1996)- This gem, starring Kelsey "Frasier" Grammer, illustrated life on board a wacky submarine. As one of the first and only films in the "Submarine Comedy" genre, it obviously had a lifetime's worth of classic submarine jokes to work with. Unfortunately, there are zero classic submarine jokes.

2. Independence Day (1996)- In the summer of 1996 I was 17 years old, and loved this movie. Loved it so much that I saw it twice, once with a (now long lost) friend and once with my family. "It's the greatest science-fiction movie since Star Wars!" I bragged at the time. GUESS WHAT? All 17-year-olds are fucking idiots.

3. Godzilla (1998)- This movie was a flop through and through, but of course I was still dumb enough to watch it. As the closing credits rolled, my friends and I all knew that we had wasted our precious money. The fact that the credits were accompanies by a Puff Daddy bastardization of a Led Zeppelin song just rubbed salt in our wounds.

4. Twins (1988)- This was the first PG-13 movie I ever saw in the theatre (if at all), courtesy of my parents. I know this is a decision every parent must make at one point or another: When to defy the MPAA. I'm sure my parents were thinking: "Hey, it's a comedy, the commercials look funny, how bad could it be?" Today I am a horrible human being, and I blame my parents 100%.

5. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)- I know this one gets load of critical acclaim and high ratings, and I was greatly anticipating it. I had read the books as a young teen, and had convinced my family to make it our annual 'Xmas Movie.' Perhaps it was the particular theatre we were in, but by the time the movie finished I was tired and sore. 3 incredibly boring hours in theatre seats = approx four minutes of ass rape.

6. Chicago (2002)- I was never one for musicals, and this wasn't my choice. Of course there was a girl involved, so I patiently sat through the movie, which I hated. I also had a bad sore throat at the time, one which would later reemerge every month for the entire spring/summer of 2003. After the movie, while in the hot darkness of the girl's bed/futon, I told her she made me happy. A minute later I was dumped.

7. Fantasia (1940)- I'm not positive how old I was when my parents took us to see this at the theatre, perhaps 6 or 7. Parents thought: "Hey, it is Disney, fucking Mickey Mouse, the kids will love it." My dim memories recall being bored, and then my parents putting on my coat halfway though, going to the lobby, and demanding their money back.

8. Firestorm (1998)- I saw this one during winter break of my freshman year in college, because of boredom and the fact that an object of my affection was coming along. Life Lesson #4867: No matter what the intentions of a then-romantic 18-year-old, a Howie Long starring role will crush all hopes and dreams.

9. Turner and Hooch (1989)- Tom Hanks + Slobbery Dog = Comedy GOLD, you say. I would normally agree. The occasion of seeing this movie coincided with my best friend at the time's 10th birthday party. We, along with a half dozen other children, went to the movie together, which was to be the first in a series of fun activities (the others involved hot dogs, baseball, a sleepover, Nintendo, and whatever else 10-yr-olds do.). However just before the end of the movie I puked all over myself and theatre seat. The theatre was gracious enough to lend me a large paper tub, usually reserved for overpriced popcorn, so that I could feverishly sit in the passenger seat of my best friend's mom's stationwagon, with my friends playing in the backseats, and be driven home without defiling the automobile.

10. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)- I saw this movie while on a "Youth Group" trip to the local (i.e. 45 minutes drive away) mall as a 6th grader. Somehow yours truly, never one to hold any great influence or popularity, convinced no less than four other kids to see this movie with me. (I think one of my persuasive arguments was "Vanilla Ice is in it!") One of these people was my sixth grade and first ever girlfriend, named Kandi. "Girlfriend" at the time was a term without a real solid definition. I do remember sometime during the later half of the horrible movie I finally mustered enough courage to try and hold her hand. Being the gentlemen that I was, both then and now, instead of simply firmly grabbing her hand in mine I choose to slightly stroke the top of her hand with my fingertips. This tactic produced a reaction similar to when a small spider crawls across your skin, so she (now) understandably jerked her entire arm away with the maximum force possible. Our relationship was never quite the same. This left quite an impression on me, as I didn't attempt to touch another woman with the same intentions or optimism until roughly seven years later.