The Sober Truth

Finally, someone asks for advice:

I have a problem. You see, I am in college right now...and find myself single. I'm very alone...and find myself drinking...by myself. Does drinking by yourself make you a loser?

Drunken in the Dark

Sorry for taking so long to respond, DITD, but I had nearly given up on the chance that anyone would actually ask for my advice. You see, it gets very lonely in this virtual ivory tower of mine, though I appear to have everything that a proud blog-owner could want (a loyal readership, an increasing hit-counter, membership to the exclusive 'bloggers-only' clubs around town), I longed desperately for some contact. A comment here or there, or hopefully, a sincere email asking for advice. I was lonely, just like you DITD. And when you are lonely, you want to do anything you can to make you feel differently. Such as... turning to alcohol. Somehow, the magic properties of alcohol affect us in such a way to make certain things easier to take, such as being lonely, dancing, cleaning your apartment, meeting your girlfriend's parents, mowing the lawn, going to the dentist, playing frisbee, flying kites, driving, going to work, sleeping, eating cereal, showering, going to church, voting, watching reality TV, and blogging.

Back to your question: drinking alone doesn't necessarily make you a loser. Everyone at some time or another enjoys a drinky drink to soak up their troubles, there's nothing wrong with that. But the thing is, drinking alone kind of sucks compared to drinking with other people. And the good thing about being in college is that everyone likes drinking. It is easy to find people to drink with! It's like that old Dave Chappelle joke about smoking weed with a Klan member; there's pretty much no reason anyone would refuse to drink with you if you ask them. As far as being single, that's fine too, and there's nothing more exciting than being single and drinking with a bunch of other single people. Even if you end up back home alone, it'll be a better time than sitting home all night drinking and reading some idiot's blog. You also have to enjoy being single, because someday you will experience a suffocating relationship and look back on this time as a golden age.

You should probably know that while typing I've been enjoying a very cold gin martini, and I'm alone in the apartment. Am I a loser? Well, depends on who you ask. But I have no qualms. In the past I went through my heavy share of ultradepressing drinking alone moments, but you'll always, hopefully, bounce back into drinking with others and making out with their friends.

If you have any questions, or just want an entire blog post devoted to a subject of your choice, please send an email to the address on the right.