Food: Monday

Another boring food day, as I had 'the usual' for lunch and leftovers again for dinner. Complete lack of vegetables is disturbing. Beginning today I have switched to a new kind of bread; one without any weird preservatives or, apparently, taste. Also, our endless supply of "Curry Beef" has finally been exhausted, so look for something new for dinner tomorrow.

Food:

One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with yellow mustard on Whole Wheat bread
One fat free Black Cherry Yogurt
One apple
One kiwi
3 oz baby carrots
Two individually wrapped packs of Keebler club crackers and cheese
One Nature Valley ‘Sweet n Salty Nut: Cashew’ snack bar
One large bowl of “Curry Beef” with white rice
16 oz glass of Low Sodium V-8
One small piece of chocolate shaped like a race car.
A few Reece's Pieces.

Alcohol:

Two Sidecars.

Food: Sunday

Today was a lazy day, leftovers for dinner plus whatever else I could find for lunch. In retrospect, I probably could have done without that last drink.

Food:

16 oz glass of orange juice
One bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats with 1% milk
4 oz of apple juice
Large romaine lettuce salad, with one tomato, feta cheese, and Newman’s Own Light Raspberry Walnut dressing
One cob of corn, with ICBINB and salt
One large bowl of “Curry Beef” with rice
Four “mini” whole wheat pita pockets with Chipotle Pepper Hummus

Alcohol:

Two Caipirinhas
Two Bourbons on the rocks

Food: Saturday

Okay, any chance of this experiment accurately resembling what my typical diet is can be thrown out the window right now. This morning we went grocery shopping at 'Trader Joes' for the first time, buying a ton of things that possibly are healthy. Maybe if I keep writing down my food intake, even if it's not to be published for as many as 9 people to peruse, I will eat so healthy that I'll live forever. Today, however, we made crockpot full of meat.

Food:

20 oz glass of orange juice (from concentrate)
One Kiwi
One large blueberry-raspberry bran muffin with ICBINB
Eight Pieces ‘Low-Fat’ California Roll from Trader Joes with Wasabi and Ginger
3 oz Safeway Frozen Stir Fry vegetables microwaved and lightly salted.
Two large servings of “Curry Beef”: beef, potatoes, carrots, onions, tomatoes w/ Curry seasoning and hot sauce, made in crock pot.
Two servings of plain white rice

Alcohol:

½ bottle of wine: Charles Shaw Shiraz

Food: Friday

Today was a bit of an anomaly, as we went out for dinner. I was stuffed afterwards. Crab Cake Tater Tots are the best thing ever.

Food:

Two S’mores-flavored Pop Tarts
Two Cup Green Tea
One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with yellow mustard on 100% Whole grain bread
One Strawberry Flavored Yogurt
One apple
One Kiwi
One generous handful dried apricots
½ Order of Crab Cake Tater Tots from Blue Line Club Car Restaurant
One house salad with Italian dressing from B.L.C.C.
8 oz Yellow Fin Blackened Tuna with Cajun Spices from BLCC
One small portion mashed potatoes from BLCC
One small portion steamed broccoli from BLCC

Alcohol:

One 22 oz bottle of Fat Tire Ale
Approx One Shot of Brandy

Food: Thursday

So, usually I eat two sandwiches for lunch, so maybe this whole full-disclosure thing has gotten to me. But, as I mentioned before, that NYT article kind of spooked me too, so I've been being more self-conscious for the last couple weeks. Yesterday I was starving when I left work, but after dinner I felt no need to snack. Anyway, here's Thursday's food (listed in mostly chronological order, save for the green tea, one cup of which I had in the morning in order to warm up after being stuck outside waiting for the train for 40 minutes, and the other when I arrived home, just before I started cooking dinner.):

Food:

One individually wrapped pack of Keebler club crackers and cheese
One Nature Valley ‘Sweet n Salty Nut: Cashew’ snack bar
Two cups green tea
One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with yellow mustard on 100% Whole grain bread
One apricot-mango flavored yogurt
One apple
½ of an orange (it was gross)
One handful raisins
8 oz venison steak, cut into small pieces, dredged in flour, and fried in vegetable oil, served with ketchup
10 oz Safeway Frozen Stir Fry vegetables (asparagus, beans, carrots, squash, mushrooms, onions, celery, cauliflower), microwaved and lightly salted.
One piece 100% Whole grain bread, topped with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light.

Alcohol:

One Sidecar
One Bourbon on the rocks.

Food: Should Your Children be Eating It?

A little less than two weekends ago I came across an essay called 'Unhappy Meals' in the NYT Sunday Magazine. (It is no longer available for free at the NYT website, but now you can find it here.) It is very long but worth reading; if you are illiterate there is a basic summary at the end.

When it comes to food I'm generally semi-healthy, at least compared to the national average: I rarely buy snacks, I try to eat balanced meals, I look at the 'nutritional info' of just about everything I buy. Sure, there are days which a frozen pizza or can of Chunky Soup is the majority of my dinner, (not to mention the constant heavy consumption of alcohol), but by and large I don't do too badly. There is room for improvement, more fresh veggies would be welcome, and I consume too many processed foods. The aforementioned article kind of scared me, however. I mean, I may eat my lunch sandwiches on 100% Whole Grain Bread, but it is bread that has about 50 ingredients I can't pronounce and has been made in a factory by bread-making robots as opposed to by a jolly baker with a mustache.

I've always thought that it is increasingly difficult to eat healthily, or to be healthier in general, a) the poorer you are, and b) the lazier you are. While my salary isn't giant by any means, I don't have whiny kids to support, and generally can buy what I want (though I am always looking for sales; I don't think I've ever purchased meat that wasn't on sale). As far a laziness goes, well, obviously some of that is in play. Some of it is laziness in cooking, though usually I try to make a game effort. More of the laziness should be attributed to my shopping habits, which are rather infrequent. There isn't a grocery store (besides Aldi's) within walking distance, which means there isn't a shopping trip consisting of picking up a few things for dinner, there are only infrequent shopping trips to the Dominick's nearly two miles away consisting of filling a shopping cart to the top and spending $100-$175 dollars (depending on alcohol purchases). When our food supply begins to dwindle, or at least the exciting things we bought at the store are gone, and we are left with some frozen meat in the freezer and whatever else has been sitting in cupboards for the last six months things get a bit harder, and I'd like to think that, if the Aldi's was replaced by a locally grown produce market, I'd be eating a lot healthier.

Anyway, in order to waste everyone's time, I've decided to document my eating habits for the next week. I will be honest, and I'll try not to let my full disclosure influence any of my food or alcohol enjoyment (though I may hesitate when drinking vermouth straight from the bottle at 2 am). I'll try to include everything except water (which I usually drink about 24-40 oz of a day during the work week, and usually slightly less on weekends) because it is not worth mentioning. I'm not going to be overly precise, but still as accurate as possible.

Because I have a good memory, and in order to get this week over with a day earlier, I'll begin by listing yesterday's consumption. I've included 'Drink' with Food, but kept Alcohol separate. I'm not sure why.

So, here goes:

Wednesday, Feb. 7
Food:
Two servings of peaches & cream instant oatmeal
One cup green tea
Two individually wrapped packs of Keebler club crackers and cheese
One smoked turkey lunchmeat sandwich with Miracle Whip Light on 100% Whole grain bread
One low fat Strawberry-Banana Yogurt
One kiwi
One apple
One handful of dried apricots
Approx. 4 oz Low Sodium V8
About a dozen sesame-flavored crackers topped liberally with Brie cheese
One Falafel sandwich (spicy) from Sultan’s Market
One Large Bowl of Lentil Soup from Sultan’s Market

Alcohol:
Two sidecars (brandy, triple sec, and lime juice)

Choo Choo Choo Choo Beep Beep

For the 8 people (not sure how many of them (4, I think) read this) that received my best of 2006 compilation CD (so far; I ran out of CD cases and haven't made the rest), I didn't have much space to expand my usual wordy, unnecessary, if not blogalicious liner notes, so I'd like to use this virtual space to get at least one point across.

Deerhoof is a great band. They are not a consistent band. They are not a reliable band. They aren't predictable; coming through as usual when you need them. No, they are the girl who loves you one minute and can't be bothered the next, the FFL who suddenly blows you off and doesn't speak to you for months despite the fact that it is a major seasonal sporting event; I first heard of them a few years ago, first listened to them two years ago, saw them live at the first Intonation fest ("curated" by Pitchfork) about 18 months ago and wasn't too affected at all (though I was suffering from major allergy attacks). I gave them a chance but wasn't satisfied. But then, nearly randomly, after reading an article in some mainstream newspaper a year later how they turned down a corporation who wanted to use their song "Twin Killers" in a shoe commercial, I gave them another chance. Soon enough I was acting like I was in college again, buying and/or downloading every album by the band, listening to them much more than usual. They are difficult, only because they are unpredictable, a 30-second song sample is not enough to gage the full effect. Oddly enough, M, who, as I've mentioned before, loves the samey safe quality of B&S and the Shins and Owen and everything else that's quiet and pleasant and love-lorn-sounding, had no objection to my constant blaring of their CDs.

I've been so bored of indie-rock and anything associated with it lately, it takes more than a few chords and some off-key vocals to get me excited. Deerhoof are both "cute" and bombastic, loud and soft, pop and noise.

By the way, I should mention that the band has been around for more than ten years, and therefore is part of my previously discussed theory that a band shouldn't exist for more than ten years unless there is a married couple involved. And there fucking IS a married couple involved! So there! So on Saturday I've seeing them live for the first time since I've fallen in love with them. They are officially among my favorite bands, along with Saturday Looks Good to Me and Spoon, and I can't wait for the show this Saturday. If you are anyone who's anyone, you should be there too.

MP3's:

+81, (Right click and save), from their recently released Friend Opportunity.

By the way, Ticketmaster fees are ridiculous. I mean, COME ON.

Top Five things wrong with this blog

1. The reported ugly-ness of this blog. I switched to the 'beta' version of blogger, which was supposed to make it easier to create a layout, which instead has made everything worse than before. Updates don't show up, everything loads slow. I can't even pick colors that don't induce vomiting. Nerds, please assist!

2. Lack of posts. Seriously. My goal is 100 posts for 2007. That doesn't seem too hard. Maybe it should be 125? Yes, 125 posts it shall be. This is number 2. 123 to go.

3. Too much dependence on the 'list' format for posts. Just write a fucking paragraph already, Rob Fleming.

4. Lack of comments. Possibly related to item #2.

5. Lack of hot pictures of babes. This shall be remedied soon. Furthermore, if you are a babe and want your picture on this website, please email it to me. Also, if you don't have any pictures, I do have a camera.

The Greatest

Did anyone hear how Greg Oden and the Ohio State Buckeyes lost a basketball game last night. Reportedly, it was to a rival squadron in the same conference.

If you check out any major sports newspaper or website, you'll see how the valient Buckeyes turned a near-blowout into a close game in the final minute, nearly pulling off a chance to maybe be able to secure a stunning road victory, by playing like a 15th seed in the final minute of an NCAA tourney game (foul and launch threes). Oden, when not being completely shut down by force-to-be-reckoned-with Jason Chappell, apparently dominated the game by dunking the ball twice. Wow, what a fucking superstar. One could only shudder to think at the superlatives that would be flying around if Ohio State had actually won the game, instead of still searching for a single quality win.

Rumor has it that the team that Ohio State nearly had a chance to take to overtime was actually rated #3 in the country in a survey of some sort. I'm not sure how accurate these reports are, since every article accompanying the story shows the above picture (tears, caption and Oden snot bubble added by me).

A -----> Z

A is for Absent, which I have been for the past month. I apologize. No excuses (except my cat totally attacks the computer screen every time I sit down at my desk. She has recently noticed the mouse pointer.)

B is for Binge Drinking, which I haven't done since November 18. That day I met a friend 'for a few drinks' around 9 pm, and then, yadda yadda yadda, I was stumbling home at six in the morning. My hangover didn't hit until 7 pm at night the next day. I called in sick to work the day after that. Stomach pains subsided about four days later, just in time for Thanksgiving.

C is for Colbert, Stephen. Though I've long ago said 'Farewell!' to cable television, despite this show (and college basketball... I had to go to a sportsbar this afternoon to watch UW beat Marquette (and have to deal with M cheering against me)), I still watch some clips online, and try to stay on top of things in the Colbert-o-verse. His new feud with the Decemberists will prove to be very entertaining, I think.

D is for The Departed. I had secretly given up on Scorcese over the last few movies, and regarding any hype surrounding his movies (Gangs of New York, anyone?) as pure historical hyperbole. So I went to see this with very modest expectations, and was blown away. Only flaw was too much Jack Nicholson, which I'll concede is not a flaw for most movie-goers. It's as violent as you'd expect, I had the urge to get in a fight for about two hours afterwards.

E is for Electro-pop Music. Is it me, or is every other acclaimed record this year belonging to this genre? I don't despite drum machines, or bleeps and blips, but for some reason recently my patience has been wearing thin. I'm trying to compile my Best of 2006 CD, and if what I'm hearing isn't this type of music (a 'type' under which I'll include the Knife, Junior Boys, CSS) its instead hyperliterate NPR-rock or lush twee. Since my plan was to concentrate on noisy rock n' roll extensively, it is kind of frustrating sometimes.

F is for Fantasy Football, which sucks. I scored the second most points in my league but won't even make the playoffs due to bad luck and bad matchups. And I don't even have any fantasy studs (a phrase I may regret typing), it has been all skill to make vodka lemonade from lemons and potatoes.

G is for Gifts. I haven't started Xmas shopping yet, and don't even know what I'm getting anyone. Considering we are heading north around Dec. 21, this doesn't leave too much time at all. As you know I hate shopping, hopefully I can avoid stepping foot in a mall this year. We'll see.

H is for Heat, which is on in my apartment. We have radiators, all but two of which I can't control. Over the last two months the heat has been on, but at a reasonable level, I'm certainly a person who would rather have it cooler than hotter, and though it was sometimes too cold for just a t-shirt, it was great for sleeping. However, since last week, the heat was suddenly ratcheted up a notch, now going non-stop, and even heating the two radiators (bedroom and dining/music/dancing room) that I had turned off. It is crazy hot. I may have to open windows if this shit keeps up.

I is for Investigative Reporter Carl Monday. For anyone who reads the great Deadspin blog, this is old news, but if you don't, he's worth looking up. Anyone who rose to notoriaty busting library masturbators and was eventually immortalized by The Daily Show is alright in my book. And then there is this, which is both funny and horrifying on so many levels. Giggles!

J is for Juris Doctors being all shot up. Yesterday some crazy nut who invented a toilet to be used in trucks shot and killed three patent lawyers who apparently had wronged him before he was taken out, SWAT-style. This happened about a mile from where I work. I only know one patent lawyer, and I can rest easy knowing that if a crazy man carrying a gun, knife, and hammer tried to enact some form of perverted vengence upon him, he would likely hurl his blackberry-type communications device with such a velocity that the crazy inventor guy would have no chance. The assailant would also, most likely, be billed for the hour.

K is for Kim Gordon the Cat, who is less violent lately but still a pain in the ass. She now enjoys diving into the bathroom garbage can and taking out all the used Q-tips and chewing on them. WTF?









L is for Lexus commercials, which are now a holiday fixture. Am I the only one who gets extremely angry at these ads? Oh, gee, your husband is such a sweetheart, he bought you a fucking luxury car with a giant bow on it! Lucky you, trophy wife! Next year's Xmas gift: Botox Gift Certs! Also, that new Lincoln commercial where the dude goes "to work," drives his fucking Lincoln around the block, then goes back to his house where his wife is suddenly his secretary and his kid his junior partner, as he sits at his desk with the big hi-def TV in the background tuned to the business channel. What a fucking asshole. I'm positive whatever company this dude works for just laid off 12% their workforce, just in time for the holidays.

M is for Minneapolis, which is where I will be on New Year's Eve (despite the fact that it is M's birthday). I'm very excited for this. It's been 3 years since I was rocking out there on nye. The last two years have sucked so bad that I'm going to desperately have to make up for lost time.

N is for Noise, the genre of music that has both intrigued and frightened me over the last few months. When does music stop being music and turn into an art project? I've been listening to the Boredoms for awhile, who certainly have musical merit, but lately have been checking out Wolf Eyes and Merzbow and others, trying to wrap my head around the concept. I was planning to go to a Wolf Eyes show the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but was still suffering from the binge drinking the Saturday before (see B), and wasn't feeling like a mile walk to the Empty Bottle. I kinda regret it, as I hear that live it is supposed to be some sort of amazing experience.

O is for Oranges. It's Clementine season, bitches, get on the train if you haven't already. So delicious, so juicy, so easy to peel! (this was actually the last letter I completed... which is why I'm writing about oranges, I can't think of anything else.)

P is for Potter, Harry, who was present at a certain Halloween party. See photo for the most sober version:














Q is for Q, the inventor dude from the James Bond movies. Q is not featured in the newest Bond movie, Casino Royale, along with many other campy features of the series, which is a welcome change in my opinion. We saw this last weekend, and I enjoyed it. I actually read the original Ian Fleming novel many years ago, but had forgotten most plot points. Recommended.

R is for Resident Holiday Party for U of C Pediatrics, which I attended for the third consecutive year last night. Without the ladies of Filterless, who may or may not excuse my absence from Fancington Hors d'Oeuvres the week before, it was sure to be a disappointment, and aside from the delightful potato-bacon roll things it mostly was. Several New Castles and a frightening amount of beard/wardrobe/dancing compliments made it manageable. Still unimpressed with M's drinking ability, or lack there-of.

S is for shaving, which I haven't done since Oct. 31 (see pic above). Beard will remain until at least January. I'm in a beard contest at work which rewards longevity, but unlike the only other remaining competitor, I've chosen to not try sculpting into some vaguely professional shape. Also haven't had a haircut since July, which is par for the course I guess. I enjoy going to work looking rather different than others.

T is for Television. I still have the 20" TV my parents bought my for high school graduation/18th birthday nine and half years ago. It sucks. I'm pricing more modern TVs, but not sure if it's worth it without cable, plus living room is currently pretty small. But still, this is crazy, people have bigger computer monitors these days.

U is for Unemployment, which for me is both a fear and a fantasy. Do most people feel the same way?

V is for Velvet Underground, whose rare early recording just sold for north of $150,000 on ebay. Jesus! I like this band as much as anyone, but this is kind of ridiculous. Buying this doesn't give anyone license to reproduce and sell it, plus I hear there is already a digital reproduction floating around. You can't actually play it on your turntable, because you'd be risking damaging it. So, um, what's the point? The thing is, if I was the person who found this for 75 cents, I'd probably play it at home a few times, admit that the real record was better, and leave it piled up next to my SLGTM and Johnny Cash records, which sometimes the cat walks across.

W is for Wii, the new video game system from Nintendo, which I have recently purchased. I've pretty much ignored the concept of video games in the last 4-5 years, but for some reason felt compelled to return to the medium. It is hella-fun so far, except for my case of Wii Tennis Elbow.

X is for Xenophobic (Slim Pickings with this letter, obvs). That new Duncan Donuts commercial is all like: "We're in America, lets order our coffee in fucking English." Sort of makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. Despite the positive results of the last election, most state referendums make me cringe. The whole "English is official language of Arizona" shit isn't too catastrophic, but still seems unnecessary.

Y is for Young@Heart, the elderly choir who sings modern music. This clip is the greatest thing I've seen all week.

Z is for Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...... it's Saturday night, no one wants to hang out, time to go to sleep (plus I couldn't think of anything else that started with 'Z' except for Zebra or Zima.)

So two days ago on Election Night I was at this very computer and constantly refreshing the vote totals, IMing FFL Nate and at the very same time keeping a sort of 'live blog' of my thoughts. Since this began at about 11:30 pm when I had already consumed a couple nervous glasses of bourbon it was all very entertaining. Unfortunately sometime around 1:35 am and more bourbon later my constant refreshing of CNN.com resulted in internet explorer crashing violently, taking all of my election-night musings with it. So, mourn for my drunken political wit, America.

Since this was the first election since I've been at voting age where nearly everything has gone as I had hoped, it felt weird and strange. Usually the Wednesday after the first Monday of November in even numbered years is filled with depression and outrage and stomach pains (check early Nov 04 archive for details.) But this time everything went from mild excitement to mild high fives to mild handjobs for everyone. Green party governor candidate in IL got 11%, which is great, but otherwise my particular vote didn't count for much (House Rep won 86-14%). But seeing my hometown district go Dem and various bigots taking the fall (see hilarious Santorum family picture) was exhilarating. My hangover on Wednesday was epic, but it was all worth it. '08 seems almost too close, and I have no idea what is going to happen.

Otherwise not much else is new. Borat is as funny as everyone says, especially in a full theatre, and especially if you haven't seen the Ali G show or any youtube clips. Medical Halloween party was OK thanks to SEVEN Jack and Cokes, pictures may be coming eventually. Since then I haven't shaved a bit and everything itches something fierce. Time that should be spent reading or writing has been spent drinking with friends. Expect me to go straight-edge soon and get down to brass tacks.

WORD.

Gillyweed may be innocuous, but boomslang skin? Lacewing flies? You and your little friends are brewing Polyjuice Potion!

Though Halloween has long been, with Thanksgiving, in my top two annual holidays (there is candy for the kids, booze and slutty nurses/policewomen/pumpkins/prostitutes for the grown-ups), I haven't had much chance to participate the last few years since I've moved to the city. This year, however, I'll be attending the annual medical resident Halloween party for the first time. Obviously there is nothing better than hanging out with hundreds of doctors whom I don't know (and I'm fearing my closest allies, the ladies of Filterless, won't be attending this year), but the free food and open bar should help. I'm guessing tomorrow's hangover is going to be frightful, as nothing causes me to drink faster than standing awkwardly in between stilted small-talk conversations with people whose names I don't know. Yay, parties!

Unfortunately, unlike every Halloween party ever since the beginning of time, this party has a mandatory costume theme of 'children's book characters,' which kind of takes the fun out of it, and also made it excruciating to get a costume together. Also, how many variations of 'Slutty Little Bo Peep' and 'Slutty Red Riding Hood' can there be? Not enough, my friends, not enough. As for your humble narrator, I will be donning round glasses, scarf, and wizards' robes (aka used graduation gown from thrift store) in a half-assed attempt to be harry potter. Pictures may be forthcoming, if they don't make me look weird.

If you are a gambler, the over/under on number of times I ask a woman if she wants to see my 'Magic Wand' is six and a half.

...and Boom goes the Dynamite.

Drinking: Bottle of Shiraz, which went, from glass to glass, as being "meh", "okay", "awesome", "transplendant", and "Motherfucking Awesome!" as I finished the bottle. Also the rest of the gin mixed with Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice to make a gimlet (serve in used red wine glass). There is no more alcohol in the house.

Eating: Two venison sausage sticks, and then Jack's frozen cheese pizza with fresh spinach and sliced garlic on top. Delish.

Buying: Lots of drinks and lunches lately, plus yet another CD from Deerhoof's back catalogue. Otherwise nothing.

Playing: Ken Griffey Jr Presents Major League Baseball for Super Nintendo on my computer. I, since sometime last February or March, played an entire 162 game season (each game takes just 15-20 minutes) with the worst rated team (this was from 1994) the San Diego Padres, finished with a 118-44 record (Phil Plantier batted .443, hit 47 HR's and had 162 RBI's), and proceeded to lose the NLCS to Pittsburgh 4 games to 2. The weird thing was, and the only reason I'm mentioning it, is that during the playoffs I was nervous and shaking while playing a game I usually only played when bored or wasted. I may be the least calm person under pressure of all time. Today at work a client asked me a question I didn't know how to answer and I babbled 'til I nearly fainted. Could you imagine what happened when I used to talk to actual girls?

Listening: NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE, plus Deerhoof. Best of 2006 is going to make ears bleed. But I could be bluffing, there's still a chance that Justin Timberlake could sneak on.

Reading: Just started 'Special Topics in Calamity Physics', by Marisha Pessl. Actually bought a book in hardcover for the first time in a while. God knows I love girls who can write, and this one seems to be pleasant on the eyes as well. But the writing comes first so we'll see. See the links on the side for more SFFW's.

Watching: Baseball, Season 2 of Angel, plus Noah Baumbach's Kicking and Screaming (not the Will Ferrell soccer movie), which I quite enjoyed, and highly recommend.

Writing: Not enough.

Like you have Planted the seed in the ground, I will plant my Seed in You

Tonight will be 'Cleaning Day,' which nearly always turns into 'Drunken Cleaning Party.' My parents are visiting Saturday-Sunday, along with M's Dad-New Stepmom on Saturday. The apartment really hasn't been cleaned thoroughly since sometime in August, before Kim Gordon arrived to ruin everything (this may sound harsh for all the cat-lovers out there, but KG's love of attacking forearms jumped the shark last night when I was bleeding.) And while cleaning in itself is troublesome and unpleasant, we also need to do laundry (today I wore my last pair of non-athletic socks, last undershirt not covered in magic marker, and last pair of boxers), hang the two finally-framed silkscreen prints we bought at Pitchfork, and assembled a newly purchased table thing, which seemed like it would be easy to do, since it is only a table, but apparently has 58 parts and a shoebox of screws and things. M should be a saint and start laundry when she gets home, then I will get home, shotgun a beer, and start dusting things. It will be an unforgettable night.

I haven't seen my parents in three months, which means we'll get along splendidly for a day before they leave again. I'm not sure what we'll be doing, but my goal is simply to make them eat at an exciting restaurant, which usually means not bar-and-grill, not mexican, not chinese, not pizza. I failed at this the last time they came (Piece and PJ Clark's) and am thinking about the Thai-Vietnamese-Japanese place nearby which doesn't give you forks, which will cause them to order the safest things on the menu and cry and complain. It will be great. I'm also curious to see what happens when they meet M's dad (for longer than 30 seconds at a funeral), who is a very strange man, and his new wife, who produces more eye-rolling per minute than everyone I've ever met. That was probably mean. Anyway, this meeting wasn't planned, more of 'Hey, my parents are coming down in a couple weeks.'; 'Oh, yeah, so is my dad.'; 'OK.' sort of thing. It should be fine, except when someone brings up marriage, in which case there will be tears. Not mine.

******************************

You see that little hit-counter on the right side? Well, a couple months ago I was going to post a contest for whoever provided the 10,000th hit (no cheating allowed) would get a prize, like a mix-CD and maybe the chance to write their own post, all in an attempt to get more people to visit my blog. Obviously, writing more would be step #1, but they fact that I'm averaging like 5 people a day is kind of sad. So, the contest should wrap-up sometime late next year I guess. Wah-wah.

Milk Man Smiles to You "Hi" in a Nude

First of all, if you want to go any further, you have to read this.

Now, at first I thought this was one of those ultra-hippy uber-expensivo private schools, filled with children whose parents still wear Chuck Taylor's with tweed blazers. But, according to the school website, this is a tiny K-12 public school located on an island with only 69 students. Now, I was a child once, and I assume all of you were as well, and I couldn't possibly imagine being, say, 8-years-old and being a part of this. When I was in sixth grade, our music teacher was a geriatric (NOW RECENTLY DECEASED) man who was so against the concept of pop music that when our class sold enough magazine subscriptions in order to win the class 'prize' of having any music we wanted being played and sang in our music class, he absolutely refused. We had class as usual, and the only concession he made was playing, on piano, the old-time rock 'n roll style ripoff song that was printed in our music class songbooks.* Incidentally, a couple years later our new music teacher did let us bring in our own music and then we'd discuss it academically, but eighth graders have horrible taste in music, if you didn't know. I do remember someone brought in some Guns 'n Roses (and not any of their classics but "Used to Love Her (But I Had to Kill Her)" from their horrible GNR Lies LP) and I, motivated by the desire to seem what then was perceived as 'hip' at the time, brought in my C + C Music Factory tape. No shit. I had to work hard to get where I am today.

Anyway, imagining the Milk Man album as child ballet is a bit of stretch. Granted, Deerhoof is one of my new favorite bands, I've purchased three of their albums in the last few months, and it has been a great pleasure to discover and explore their back catalogue. But, Milk Man, which I finally purchased just last week and is great, was an album I had downloaded last year, listened to once (maybe) and then deleted. Therefore, not the most accessible stuff to get into, and if I would have heard it twenty years ago I probably would have freaked out. You can listen to the title track from the album, which is by far the most mainstream sounding song they've ever made, here. There are other songs on the album that are much more unusual and designed to frighten small children and pets. I'm giving major props to the teacher who put this together, and the open-mindedness of students, parents, and other teachers for cooperating and not complaining.


*A little sidenote: I can't believe that when I was 11-13 I'd actually go out on my bike and sell magazine subscriptions (and CDs/Cassettes too I think) to strangers, all in the name of raising money for the K-8 parochial school that, while certainly providing me with a semi-quality education, at least in math and science (but not English, obviously), was during those three years my personal torture chamber. Obviously my parents bought like 3 in order to help me get whatever the highest goal was (one year it was a limo ride and a free sub from Subway, another year it was a trip to a Brewers game), but still I do remember riding five miles and knocking on random doors. Since I am now 27-years-old and would be too embarrassed to do the same thing today, and I was probably more shy and weird (I hope) then, it just seems impossible.

Would you like your Lube before or after your Steak?

I. Explanations

A. M has been using the computer a lot of the past month to study for an important exam.
B. I've been out of the house a lot lately, with weekend trips plus lots of after-work happy hours.
C. Football season, baseball playoffs, the three primetime TV shows I watch (The Office, Veronica Mars, and Studio 60), plus constant stream of Netflix keeps me pacified and lazy.

Hmmm... I may think of more, I thought there was going to be more.

II. Weekend Wrap-Up: I'm really not going to bother going into this in great detail, since 60% of my blog readers were present, but, a few observations:

A. On Saturday I may have drank more alcohol than any other day in my entire life. I'm not sure exactly, but anytime you have your first beer at 8 a.m. and your last beer twenty hours later at 4 a.m., that adds up. However:
i. My hangover Sunday turned from a dull headache to slight nausea a couple hours later, but by dinnertime (Popeye's Chicken) I was mostly fine. Perhaps spreading out your obscenely heavy drinking during an entire day is the secret, even if you do drink 20-22 beers plus mixed drinks. They should be teaching this in schools.
B. If you don't understand the subject of this post, go here. I had no idea, and am both awed and frightened. You can look at the menu as well, it appears that their spiciest chicken wing requires a signed 'Release from Liability' form. In that case, you'd be glad to know that there's going to be some lube involved afterwards.
C. I worry far too much about aging and saying goodbye to my youth. I can still keep up. I'm very proud of myself.
D. Two nights without getting woken up by cat, even though I only got to sleep for 6 and 5 hours each night: Unbelievably satisfying.

III. Manifesto for the Future.
A. I don't think I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year, but I do plan to write more in the next six weeks than the last six months. More posts here, for sure, each of which will be more and more boring. Also hopefully some writing that may appear elsewhere. And, eventually, maybe a brand new website with several contributors and a horrible name that I didn't come up with.

Swan Swan Hummingbird Hurrah

Today was my first day at work since last Thursday, and it felt like an underwater dream. Nearly everyone was relocated to a new cubicle, a process which mainly occurred on Friday when I was busy sleeping in and doing other important non-work things that I'm sure were fantastic but right now I can't seem to recall any of them. I do know that later in the evening we ate out at a new restaurant (Francesca's Forno, good but small portions and touch pricey) and went to see a movie* but it was sold out so we bought tequila and came back home and watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang instead.

*The movie we were going to see was The Last Kiss, which has gotten nothing but horrible reviews and the more I see/hear about it the more I don't want to see it. M was a big Garden State fan, and though I initially liked that film on the first viewing, every time since I've realized its many flaws, which cut through me like a jagged knife, making me cringe. And suddenly Zach Braff (who I've also been a fan of by the way, I've seen nearly every episode of Scrubs since the pilot (a show which in its last season has disappointingly become to seem rather formulaic)) is considered some sort of film soundtrack genius, but whose selections, The Shins aside (though they won't change your or anyone else's life), are largely made up of weepy singer-songwriter types and other mostly boring music. Perhaps I should stare off into space, looking wistful, perhaps, while some delicate guitar picking is heard; I will be a soulful and beautiful person. Anyway, haven't seen the movie, so I'm not justified to give a proper review.

Back to the main topic: new cubicle wasn't properly cleaned, and had a few things still in the desk drawers. This was disappointing because my previous cubicle is now occupied by my new cubicle's former resident (i.e. we switched), and I had spent much of Thursday afternoon inhaling fumes from a most likely illegal ammonia-based cleaner as I scrubbed up years of dust (I'd only been there a year and a half, but it certainly wasn't cleaned when I moved in). After cleaning, I tried to arrange my files and belongings exactly like I had them in my previous location (you are thinking, a cube is a cube, what's the problem here, Complainy McGee?) Well, it just felt different. Maybe because of the different lighting. I'm pretty sure my drawers are one centimeter narrower than previously. Also, the aisle separating the cubicle across from me used to be about six feet wide, now it is barely four. I am at least twenty feet farther from the nearest printing location. Whereas I used to have an empty cube in front of me, now it is occupied (and in fact, if you picture me as Jim J. Bullock in the center square, I used to be bordered on only four of a possible eight sides, whereas now I'm bordered on no less than seven), and, worse, whereas I used to work next to a bunch of people who I never actually worked with, now I am sandwiched by my two closest colleagues. And finally, and most severe, my same computer has been moved with me, but now I'm unable to access my fantasy baseball team, my football pool, and every other website with the word 'fantasy' in the URL due to corporate fascist filters, except for, oddly, my fantasy football team, on a generally slower than usual Internet, mind you. All of this, combined with the fact that I was coming off of a four-day unproductive and late-sleeping weekend, resulted in a not very productive day.

Other highlights from the weekend include another good meal out (at the Pacific Cafe, which was great, though I'm vowing never to eat tempura for at least a couple years), making vegetable soup, watching four episodes of Angel, meeting a long lost friend for only one beer and one hour, buying a bottle of Cachaca (which isn't too easy to find) and making endless caipirinhas, each of which was better than the last. Otherwise, not much worth sharing with the common unwashed such as yourself.

Red Thunder: Refreshing Beverage or Sign of the Apocalypse?

My apartment is 3 short blocks* from an Aldi's grocery store. For you international readers, Aldi's is a grocery store which sells mostly generic brand food for batshit-insane prices. Though, for some reason, they charge you for both the use of a shopping carts and for bags to put your food in. This means I visit once or twice a week and carry a handful of food home. Usual purchases include hamburger and hotdog buns, eggs, tortilla chips, and cereal.

A couple months ago I discovered 'Red Thunder,' which is the Aldi's equivalent of Red Bull energy drink. Selling a pack of four for just $1.99, I couldn't help but try it. I don't at present remember any specific times drinking that first four-pack, but I can tell you that it did the trick for the lowest possible price. I'm not an energy-drink fiend, but I do enjoy it from time to time, mixed with some sort of alcohol. However, on my last few trips, I've noticed it was out of stock, probably due to the terrific bargain it provided. Well, on Sunday I stopped by to pick up some salsa and bread, and found that there was one last four-pack on the shelves. They had, however, raised the price to $2.99, which luckily is still a good deal. I placed the four-pack in the fridge, where it patiently waited for its moment to strike.

Well, Tuesday I got home from work at about six and wasn't very hungry, and neither was M. We agreed to make spaghetti and meatballs later on, but for now we wouldn't worry about food. I said to myself, 'Well, I'm only slightly hungry, but I think maybe I deserve a drink to tide me over.' Unfortunately, we were out of beer, and the only alcohol in the house was vodka and vermouth. I didn't feel like a martini, so was prepared to walk out of the kitchen unsatisfied. But then I remembered the Red Thunder, and gleefully poured myself a 35/65 ratio of vodka to the tiny innocent little can. The rest of the evening passed, I enjoyed watching some bad reality TV, making dinner and hanging out with M and Kim Gordon the Cat. I went to bed around 11:30 p.m. A half-hour later I realized I was surprisingly too wired to sleep. I got up and watched some TV and enough of Elizabethtown to realize it was horrible, ate some snacks, drank some water, and lied down again at about 1:30 am. The next four hours were filled with tossing and turning and not being about to keep one coherent thought in my head for more than three seconds. Eventually the cat woke up and amused herself by biting me for an hour, then M got up for work. More tossing and turning, and a few minutes here and there of slightly dozing off and it was time to go to work. I hadn't felt so tired since the days of all-night-writing-that-very-important-paper-in-college-and-then-handing-it-in-before-I-passed-out. Work was largely a bust, I left an hour early and fell asleep when I arrived home for a two-hour nap. I woke up to sit dazed on the couch for a bit, then returned to bed at a normal time to toss and turn for most of another night. Damn You, Red Thunder!

Good news is that I don't have to get up early tomorrow, as I took vacation days both Friday and Monday, for no important reason. In fact, I just drank another Red Thunder & Vodka. I'll let you know at 4 a.m. how that goes.

*When I say 3 short blocks, I don't mean that 3 blocks by definition is a short distance, but that each of the 3 blocks separating me from Aldi's are actually unusually short blocks, so that it seems more like 1.75 blocks away. I apologize once again for the confusing syntax.

First Annual National Football League Preview: 2006 Edition

I've received 324 letters that are almost word-for-word identical to this one (grammar corrected by me):

Dear N---,

I've seen your blog. It sucks. Who fucking cares if you have a new cat? Not fucking me, that's for sure. I've never heard of any of the bands you talk about, are you some kind of queer? At least you have stopped knocking our great President lately, whatsamatter hippy?

I love 5 things: The Red, The White, The Blue, 70s Classic Rock, and drinking 25 beers while watching the Bears kick your faggy Packers' asses all of the field. Why don't you write about something decent for a change, motherfucker?

Sincerely,
Dr. Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State

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Well, Secretary Rice and the other 323 readers who were kind enough to drop me a line may have a point here. Aside from the four of you who read the blog on a semi-regular basis, there's not much for the common man to care about. Have I forgotten my roots? What gives me the right to be so exclusive?

I love indie rock, foreign films, and po-mo fiction, but I also love sports. And while past knee injuries (the first one occurred while playing basketball, the second while saving 8 orphans from drowning) have greatly limited my participation in sports over the past decade, my interest and love for it has only grown over the years. Since the past year was the first in which I participated in both a fantasy football, basketball, and baseball league, I've grown accustomed to reading and watching sports more that anything else. My morning routine this summer was to check my fantasy baseball league, and then Pitchfork. Anyway, I have some sort of knowledge on the subject.

My favorite of all the sports in NFL football, because the game has the least amount of flaws. Other leagues' flaws include:

College Football: It's all about the $, Making your own schedule, impossible to care about any team other than your alma mater.
Baseball: Too many players to keep track of, free agency and the Yankees buying whomever they want, individual games don't matter much. (though I'm routing for the Fl. Marlins big time this year)
NBA: 80 foul shots a game, superstar mentality, traveling is legal, shoe contract trumps all.
Hockey: No games on TV, no one really cares.
Tennis: I'm actually getting into this lately, good for watching on Saturday mornings, but no high stakes involved.
Golf: This isn't a sport.
College Basketball: Nothing matters until March Madness, then is awesome.

Anyway, my original idea was to give a very brief preview of the NFL season here, and then supplement my regular bloggy posts by making picks for the upcoming NFL weekend. Well, I can't do that anymore, since two of my most faithful readers and FFLs are in the same football pick pool that I am in, so I can't tip them off. However, below are my general predictions for the year. Granted, I don't have ESPN, so what do I know, aside from reading about 87 so called 'experts'' opinions online. But if picking winners myself the past decade has taught me anything, is that 'experts' usually don't know anymore than you or I. At the end of the year feel free to revisit this post and make fun of me for my incompetence.

Anyway:

NFC Eastern Division:
1. ...

Actually, hold on a second. The first NFL game of the year, Miami at Pittsburgh, is due to kick off in 18 minutes or so, and right now, in order to psych up the fans, Rascal Flats is playing on the TV. A few minutes earlier, Diddy hit the stage. Who comes up with this? Who says, well, I really wasn't planning on watching the game tonight, but I think I'll tune in to hear the new Diddy song and then keep the TV on for the next 3.5 hours and watch every commercial very closely? NO ONE.

Anyway:
1. This seems to be one of the most competitive divisions in football, since every team could either be very good or very bad but most likely all very above-average. Any team could finish first and I wouldn't be surprised at all.

*Hold on, getting pizza and watching beginning of game...*

Ok, I'm back. A couple thoughts:

a. I saw only about five seconds of Bob Costas. Why must we sit through a half hour of horrible music and boring sentimentality instead of listening to Bob Costas wax poetic about this wonderful sport? He'll be back to comfort me at halftime, but as far as I'm concerned, I'd take him over Al Michaels in the broadcast booth anytime.
b. Al Michaels, if you don't know, is a huge republican, and has given the maximum individual donation allowed to George W. Bush in the last two elections. As far as a commentator goes, he is okay, and seems more intelligent than average, but I can't get past the fact that he is likely evil.
c. The actual game telecast opened with pop artist Pink singing a song. Once again, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the viewers grimaced in horror as this was happening. I don't find Pink very attractive on TV, but I bet if I saw her in person I'd be drooling. Not sure why. Maybe because she could probably beat me in an arm-wrestling contest.

Back to the NFC east, it's pretty much a toss-up, but I'll go 'Philly-Wash-NYG-Dallas,' for the following reasons: 1. Philly will definitely be better than last year. 2. Washington will be better than in the preseason, but Brunell is awful and my fantasy football keeper Clinton Portis is already hurt. 3. The Giants have the toughest schedule, Eli is already overrated, and Tiki Barber has been due for a declining year for awhile. 4. Dallas is lot of people's pick for the super bowl, but Owens is team-cancer, and Bledsoe is almost as bad as Brunell, and I don't like taking the popular choices.

Moving on: NFC West. 'Seattle-StL-Arizona-SF'. 1. Seattle is largely unchanged from last year, save for losing a great offensive lineman, and gaining a great linebacker. 2. StL looks half-way decent, defense seems better. 3. Arizona is another trendy pick, but defense and OL are horrible. (go L. Fitz for FFball purposes, however) 4. SF is a disaster, worst team in conference?

NFC South: 'Carolina-TB-ATL-NO' 1. Carolina is the trendy pick, but they are the best all-around team here for sure. 2. TB might be a year away offensively, but D always solid. 3. Vick has already reached his ceiling, running game will decline, D was awful against run last year. 4. NO is America's team, but lines suck and Bush is overrated.

NFC North: 'Chi-Minn-Det-GB'. This is pure reverse-psychology, as my secret plan is for the Packers to surprise everyone and win the division, Greg Jennings rookie of the year. But: 1. Bears D is great, Grossman will injure himself while buttering some toast and Griese will be competent. 2. Vikes will run better and D is decent. 3. Lions will be better 4. Farve is a disaster, I'm actually hoping for a career-ending injury in week one. (remember, reverse psychology)

This is going well. Before I move on to the AFC and help myself to yet another beer, here are my football picks for the week. (since the first game has already started, all football pool picks are locked in).

Miami over Pittsburgh
Philly over Houston
NE over Buff
Denver over StL
TB over Balt
Tenn over NYJ
Seattle over Detroit
Cleveland over NO
Cinn over KC
Carolina over ATL
Jax over Dallas
Bears over Packers
ARI over SF
Indie over NYG
Skins over Vikes
SD over Oak

Ok, AFC East: 'Miami-NE-Buff-NYJ' 1. Ronnie Brown is a stud, if Culpepper can avoid sucking they should be a good team. 2. NE will make the playoffs but seem to be losing more and more good players every season. 3. Buffalo is bad but have a good RB and WR, luckily 4. The jets are worse than ever, no offense whatsoever.

AFC West: 'Denver-KC-SD-Oak' 1. Denver always has a good running game, and WRs are improved. 2. KC usually is 'Great O, Horrible D'; this year it will be 'Good O, Average D'. 3. SD has weapons but questionable D (getting shot doesn't help) and newbie QB. 4. Oakland is quarterbacked by Aaron Brooks.

AFC South: 'Indie-Jax-Tenn-Houston' 1. Indie will be less awesome but still good (until the playoffs). 2. Jax needs an offense. 3. Tenn has potential to be a surprise, but have question marks at literally every position at the beginning of the year. 4. Houston should have drafted Reggie Bush, even if he is overrated.

AFC North: 'Cincy-Balt-Pitt-Cleve' 1. Great offense, crappy defense will outscore most for the Bengals. 2. Balt will be better than you think if they can stay healthy. 3. Pittsburgh didn't deserve to win the SB last year, and will come back to earth. 4. Cleveland may be interesting to watch, but won't get to .500 until next year.

Playoffs:
NFC: Seattle, Carolina, Philly, Chicago, Wash, TB.
AFC: Indie, Denver, Cincy, Miami, NE, Jax.
Super Bowl XLI: Seattle over Cincinnati.

It's almost halftime now, so I'm going to go sit and watch Bob Costas work his magic.

ON NOTICE:

On Notice list for today.

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Coming Tomorrow:

The First Annual Wyld Stallyns Blog NFL Football Preview: 2006 Edition

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