Friday, September 01, 2006

Pattern Recognition


Kim Gordon* went from crazy fun-loving party kitten to recluse who refused to eat in a span of 48 hours since we brought her home. Turns out she had the flu, and we got some 'prescription' canned cat food from the vet. Now she seems back to normal, save for some sneezing, and has horrible canned cat food breath. Her interests include biting my hands, crashing into furniture, and jumping on my laptop. I haven't had a full, uninterrupted night's sleep since she arrived. And yes, there is cat hair all over the place. And yes, she likes to sleep directly between the two pillows on the bed. And no, she doesn't recognize my authority, and does whatever she wants. 7t=gy0iuuijk <---- SEE THAT??? That was the cat trying to lay on the keyboard. I put her on my lap and tried to resume typing, but she bit my forearm, so I put her on the floor. Five seconds later she jumps onto the file cabinet, hops over the printer, onto the desk, walks around the back of the computer, and now lays down on the mouse-pad, resting her head on my wrist. Am I supposed to find this sort of thing adorable? How am I supposed to do NaNoWriMo this year if I can't get five minutes of peace?

In other news, I haven't been up to anything. A couple wasted weekends, a couple good meals, a fantasy football draft, and not much else. This weekend M's sister is visiting starting tomorrow, not sure what kind of things I'll be doing. Next weekend I plan on seeing The Gossip on Saturday, otherwise not much to be excited about. Today we got out of work early, which was kind of joke anyway, since I did literally 10 minutes of work all day and took a 90 minute lunch for someone's birthday. The early departure meant we walked a block away to drink many beers and play 'bags' (a game which I had never heard of until I had moved to Chicago), winning 5 out of 6 games thanks to a talented partner.

There is something more important that I was going to write about, but I've forgotten for the moment. Look for something important soon, either here or in 'Hi-Cool' form.


* And yes, I know just a few weeks back I promised I wouldn't post pictures of my newly acquired cat and waste valuable time and space explaining how catlike the cat is acting. However, perhaps some of you like that sort of thing. I won't judge you if you do.

I think a hairball might be coming soon. I promise I won't post pictures.

Friday, August 25, 2006

You Keep Me Comin' Home Again

We now have a kitten. I'm OK with that, except my whole weekend is going to be boring. I've also learned that after last night I'm in no condition to ever have children. I didn't get much sleep, and cats even go in a litterbox.

M had to leave her alone for four hours this afternoon, and she nearly had a panic attack until I got home from work and called her with no news of kitty escapes or suicide.

We named her Kim Gordon. More to follow shortly.

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And, in case you are wondering, yes, if we got a male it would have been named Thurston Moore.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Do as I Say, and You'll Live

Now that all the 'dark confessions' are out of the way, what better method of getting back into blogging shape than writing about Snakes on a Plane? Since I do have a blog I am contractually required to at least post once about the movie. Memory fails me on whether or not I've mentioned the movie before, but I've been anticipating/making jokes about/watching poorly-conceived YouTube parodies for the entirety of 2K6, and made plans with a surprisingly eager coworker (he doesn't get out much, if at all) about three months ago to see it on opening day.

As far as a review of the movie itself goes, you can easily find those elsewhere. My take is that the movie could have been a little better, certain scenes done differently, certain snakes more cunning, etc. But all of that is completely and utterly irrelevant. You could argue it works in a so-bad-its-good sort of way, or a childlike matinee sort of way, or a Susan Sontag sort of way, or a winking-ha-ha sort of way, or whatever. The movie could have been worse, could have been better. But the magic didn't come from anything on the screen, it came from the theatre itself, from the crowd. Surely you remember, before you were a six-figure a year douchebag whose aims to become members at the most expensive country club available within 30 miles took up much of your free time, when you went to see some shitty movie in your stupid small ignorant town with a dozen of your friends (and you'd like to imagine it happened more often than it actually did) and you all laughed far too much and were generally obnoxious and probably severely annoyed that one elderly couple who was sitting in the far left side section and just wanted a quiet evening watching The Man in the Iron Mask, and didn't attempt to stay up until nine-thirty p.m. only to be bothered by a gaggle of nineteen-year-old pricks with nothing on their minds other than alcohol, cigarettes, and the very distant possibilities of pre-marital sex, thank you very much.

We saw the film at 4:15 yesterday, in a large theater than was maybe 30% full. But it felt like I was there with seventy of my closest friends. I have never been in a movie where people applauded at least a dozen times, literally hissed during the overlong previews, let alone shout "Motherfucking Snakes!" at every possible opportunity. We laughed and shouted and behaved like obnoxious children, but no one was offended, we were all there for the same reasons. Leaving the theater, I noticed most of the crowd was very young (it was a 4:15 show, after all, I didn't sneak out of work over an hour early for nothing), but that seemed appropriate. For at least two hours (violins are swelling here), I felt pretty young myself.

On the Rocks

My long blogging absence can be explained, I swear. Here are the top three reasons:

1. Nothing much going on.
2. Been reading at least 2 hours a night the last couple weeks.
3. Week of sobriety.*

*A note about #3. The fact that I recently completed a week (that is seven full days and nights, or 168 hours) of self-enforced non-drinking of alcohol does not mean that I a) have a 'drinking problem' or, even worse b) must be under the influence in order to accomplish a task as simple as 'blogging.' However, the fact is that often when I sit at this computer and the end of the day, as in, at night, and feel inspired to type up a few paragraphs of nonsense, I often DO have a sweaty glass filled with some sort of alcoholic beverage sitting on the coaster on my desk. The Week of Sobriety (hereafter WoS) was brought on by a week or two of heavily than usual drinking, which was most likely not brought on by anything in particular other than boredom or possibly bad times at work. And the drinking might not have been overly heavy, in retrospect, but possibly only seemed that way due to the fact that I finished off 3 or so bottles of alcohol (finished, not started and then finished, but more like drinking the last few ounces) in the span of a day or two. Without much left in the liquor cabinet, I found myself asking a question that was immediately deemed as troubling, and prompted a short, very short, period of self-reflection, a conversation with myself, if you will, at the end of which the conclusion was reached to not have any alcohol for a complete week, last saturday until the end of yesterday, in order to cleanse both my mind and body, and because that is something I doubt I've done in a couple years or so. So I turned down beers and wine (both of which have been in our fridge the whole time) and drinks, ordered Coke at a bar, had a couple glasses of water with pizza. Not that big of deal, I was rarely tempted, except when I made a frozen pizza on Thursday night.

The question that brought everything on was "I wonder what vermouth tastes like by itself?"

The answer is 'sort of like white wine,' but that isn't important.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Sweet Liberation Has Come

I'm all rocked out for a few days. Skipping Wolf Parade tonight (and last night) because I can't take any more rock. Plus, expectations for said rock are at an all time high. Friday was my lollapalooza day, $73 dollars got me three bands' full sets. The Editors, who were pretty good (though note to lead singer: Ian Curtis called, he wants his DNA back). Mates of State, who I've now seen an all-time record ELEVEN times, were solid as always, though it was strange seeing them with the lolla crowd, there was a dude in front of me who only knew songs from their last album, and he was fucking doing the robot the whole show (while elbowing me every fourth beat). And of course Sleater-Kinney, who started off a little slow but soon gathered much momentum. As you can see from the setlist, they concentrated on 'The Woods', which actually worked in their favor in the setting. Carrie Brownstein has turned into an amazing guitar player, and the last three songs left me breathless. There is a feeling I get when I'm at a concert sometimes, when the band just fucking hits that chord change perfectly or harmonizes or something I can't explain, but it can give me chills and raise my heartrate like a drug I haven't taken enough of. I got it then, possibly for the first time in a festival setting.

Then I of course had to take a break from the rock, went to Milwaukee for M's Dad's wedding, which, if you haven't heard the background info, was set to be a fucking crazy disaster. Well, mysteriously, everything went perfectly, and everyone was surprisingly well-behaved. I looked smashing in a rented tuxedo as always. After the early Sunday wedding, saw crossword puzzle doc 'Wordplay' and headed downtown for Sonic Youth concert. Got there a little early, found a good spot in the fifth row of the Pabst Theater, another great place to see a concert. We were about fifteen feet from the stage, and the slanted floor gave me the best view for a concert that I've probably ever seen in a venue that holds more than fifty people. The Go! Team opened, and were pretty good. And then I could finally cross off another all-time favorite band that I've never seen live before. Who is left? Pavement, if they reunite, I guess. Flaming Lips. Stereolab. Uh, Neutral Milk Hotel (I heard a rumor that something is going to happen). I can't think of anyone else that wouldn't involve a time machine.

Sonic Youth didn't let me down. Concentrated on the new album 'Rather Ripped,' which didn't bother me at all (may end up as album of the year), gave me at least a half dozen of those magic moments. The sound was perfect, the band was amazing, and seeing them live (finally) has sealed their place in my all-time best list, and nearly made me completely lose memory of S-K two days prior. I'm not sure how they can still do this after so many years, but they fucking did it.

Setlist:
Schizophrenia
Reena
Incinerate
What A Waste
Mote + noise jam
Do you Believe In Rapture?
Kool Thing
Sleepin Around
Rats
Jams Run Free
Pink Steam
Or
----
Turquoise Boy
100%
-----
Lights Out
Shaking Hell

They are on Conan Wednesday night, by the way. And if you somehow have a bad taste in your mouth from the band, perhaps because your roommate played them too much in college, I suggest you give them another chance. They are also at the Minnesota State Fair in a couple weeks with the Flaming Lips.

EDIT: Their performance on Conan was horrible, due to sound issues.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Banned from the End of the World

1. The Fox
2. Start Together
3. Wilderness
4. Jumpers
5. Sympathy
6. Rollercoaster
7. Light Rail Coyote
8. Night Light
9. Ironclad
10. What's Mine Is Yours
11. Modern Girl
12. Let's Call It Love
13. Entertain
14. Turn It On

I can't believe I nearly considered missing this. Worth every penny. More later.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

All Hands on the Bad One

I've been wrestling with an internal crisis all day today, if not all week. (But, you say, isn't this your eighteenth internal crisis this week? Yes, yes it is) It breaks down as follows:

Question: Should I spend $65 to buy a one day pass to Lollapalooza on Friday? (I'm out of town Saturday and Sunday (but I'm happily going to see Sonic Youth in Milwaukee on Sunday Night, FYI)).

Pros:
Sleater-Kinney, Sleater-Kinney, and Sleater-Kinney. If you would have asked me yesterday, or any of the 12 or so days before, I would tell you that I'm not going to go to Lolla this year. Friday's lineup isn't that great: Mates of State (who rule but I've seen them 10 times already), Death Cab (who I vow never to see again live unless a girl drags me), the Raconteurs (who might be good live but unfortunately are playing right before and on the other end of the festival (which is about a mile long), meaning I'd only have time for a few songs, if any, before I went to get a good spot for S-K. There are a couple other bands here and there, but mainly, this is all about one.

Cons:
Like I said, only one show that I'm looking forward to. The chance to see one of the truly great bands of my lifetime a week before they break up possibly forever. Yes, I know that sounds like some sort of grandiose statement which may only cause scoffing and eye-rolling, but if you've listened to the albums and seen them play live, I'm not sure how you could possibly argue. However, this show is at fucking Lollapalooza. Which means: A 50-55 minute set, a crowd that is filled mostly with people who aren't huge fans, and therefore won't respond to the band or dance or whatever, a band that has to play most if not all of their set in daylight (its from 730-830) who is only there to collect a paycheck. Pretty much every time I've seen a band I've loved in that environment, as with Spoon last Sunday, I feel like the show would've been so much better in a different setting. So, I'm afraid that seeing S-K go out like this would leave me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Pros:
I read some reviews of yesterday's S-K show in New York. Read this. "And really, one of the best rock shows of all time." Really? And that's coming from someone who doesn't like to throw around superlatives like candy. I've only seen them once, in 2000 at a tiny place called the Annex in Madison (for, like, $10), with a then-unknown band called the White Stripes opening up. By the end of that show my knees were so sore (I'd had surgery five months prior, and been on crutches as recently as three weeks earlier) that I could barely walk home. So much jumping, so much dancing with cute sweaty lesbians! I'm relatively sure that a short set at a massive outdoor festival is not going to hold a candle, but what if it's 50% as awesome? That'd still be pretty awesome. And I'd give all the money in my wallet (currently $14) and the rest of the hearing in my left ear in order to hear the opening to 'The Fox' live right now.

So, I've been going back and forth on this all day. Please give me your opinions.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Don't Make Me a Target

Right now at this very second in time it feels like about 110 degrees in our 'office,' which has inspired me to write a bit about last weekend. The Pitchfork festival was good. Too hot, obviously, though. I'd much rather buy countless $4 beers instead of wait for twenty minutes in the line to refill my water bottles any time, but who wouldn't? Also, I was surprised at the size of the crowd, I was a bit spoiled by Intonation's low turnout and reasonable temperatures. I arrived at about 2 on Saturday, just in time for Man Man, who I've neither seen nor heard before. They put on a great show, as did nearly everyone else on Saturday. I skipped parts of Band of Horses, Destroyer, and the Walkmen to gather water and/or food, but everyone else was great, at least from my usual vantage point right behind the soundboard (it was so crowded). Granted, eight hours of standing in the sun took its toll, so we didn't arrive on Sunday until about 6. I saw Yo La Tengo put on a rather lackluster set, then managed to squeeze into a rather decent spot up front to see Spoon play a great show as always (two new songs/new album early next year I believe) that was unfortunately cut short by the powers that rule the festival. Skipped Os Mutantes (remember the 12-year rule) to buy a couple silkscreen posters (Ted Leo/Rx and Death Cab) for our apartment, and headed home. Didn't sleep much last night. You can find more comprehensive reviews written elsewhere by people sitting in air conditioning if you spend five seconds looking.

An interesting thing happened Saturday while I was waiting for my overpriced chicken kebob: in the span of three minutes my picture was taken by two different and unrelated people who liked my tee-shirt. One of those people has a well-written but largely unread blog. Anyway, the attention was brief and completely unwarranted, but welcome nonetheless. I sometimes feel like a ghost here, especially in this neighborhood, walking around all ordinary and plain, especially since I've gotten a short haircut. I want to shout "I don't like my corporate job very much, but I suck at making art, even though I greatly appreciate it. Give me a fucking chance people!" It's almost enough to make a guy get a neck tattoo. Almost.

Catastrophe

I am not a cat person. I am a dog person. Simple as that. I'm not anti-cat. I'm not a cat-hater, I just prefer dogs. I don't need to go into reasons why, it is pretty obvious. You can't argue one way or another, and like with religion or politics, conversions are very rare. I'm a dog person.

So, we might get a cat. Our new apartment, being old and whatnot, allows cats but not dogs, and somewhere along the line M got the idea that we needed to have a cat. Or, as she says, a kitty. 'Can we get a kitty?' is the new question of the day, taking various alternate forms such as 'Either we get a kitty or I'll buy this $200 coffee maker, which is it?'. Recently this has turned into a constant barrage of feline-related discussions, and it is almost inevitable that soon enough everything I own will be covered in cat hair.

My family had a cat when I was growing up. It was named Pepper, and was well-behaved (didn't urinate on random things, didn't claw up furniture or do anything else that cats do that I don't even know about) but kind of a jerk (hated new people, didn't like to be petted, hid in the basement for days, and resented everyone when we got a puppy after a few years of becoming bored with the cat). I really don't want a cat like that. The cat that I'm looking for, if I have to have one, is one who behaves like the best roommate I've ever had. They should be independent enough to be able to do their own things, sometimes I may not see them all day. But when we do hang out, it should always be a blast. Also, they should be neat and not ever get pissed off. And never wake me up by licking my face. And not ask me for money (or catnip, or whatever).

If I have to share my apartment with a cat, I'm not going to become a cat person. I am making a vow here. I'm not going to start cooing about how cute it is, or waste valuable blog real estate telling you how fucking 'pwecious' it is, or post little pictures of it being adorable with horrible captions.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Some Youtube Goodness for the Childrens

Best Music Video Ever - "Sabotage" directed by Spike Jonze

R.E.M.'s first TV appearence - performing 'Radio Free Europe' on Letterman

Unaired Pilot for Heat Vision and Jack, starring Jack Black and the voice of Owen Wilson - Best thing ever???

Chappelle's classic Samuel Jackson Beer commercial

Why basketball and trampolines do not go together.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Pull Shapes

I've been going to the Pitchfork website daily since 1998, back when it was called live-wire.com, I think. For all of its faults, it's still my most trusted review source, even though I disagree with the reviews sometimes and it can be predictable (I always try to guess the ranking before clicking on the review. I can get it spot on some of the time, but they also manage to surprise me sometimes (like with this week's Pipettes review)). Therefore, you'd think that something called the Pitchfork Music Festival held approximately six blocks east and fourteen blocks south of my apartment would hold some appeal. Well, you'd be right. The line-up is fantastic. I can't see myself getting there any later than 2 or 2:30 each afternoon, and I will stay until the end both days. God knows what kind of shape I'll be in on Monday. Temps are supposed to be 95 or so, I wonder if I can survive in that sort of environment, though I'm sure I'll see plenty of hipsters wearing sweaters or leggings. I'll be the sweaty dude in shorts and a white tee shirt with "7.9" written on it in magic marker.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

You're with me, Weather

Last Tuesday I walked to the train after work, but the doors closed just as I reached the platform. Five minutes later, I was on another train. We moved to the next stop and then the power went out and emergency lights came on. We stood in a now-air conditionless car for about ten minutes, before we received the announcement to empty the train and go up to the street. It turns out the train ahead of us had caught on fire. It was a big enough story to make the BBC news apparently. If I had been ten seconds earlier and been in the thick of it. I'd like to think that I'd help personally escort several pregnant women and elderly people to safety through the thick smoke. But, more likely, I would have wet myself, pushed past the old people, and used a fallen pregnant woman to cushion my jump off of the train, all the while thinking 'I hope this smoke doesn't damage my iPod.'

Syd Barrett was surprisingly well known for someone whose actual music most people have never heard. I'm sure Piper will at least receive a sales bump, which is certainly well-deserved. Everything Pink Floyd did afterwards always seemed brilliant to me, but then I turned 20 and realized most of it was not very good, and regard mostly everything today with dramatic eye-rolling. Dark Side of the Moon has been so overplayed that I don't think I'll ever listen to it again. Anyway, check this neat youtube clip of early P.F. on some BBC TV show, they play after some crusty dude gives a speech on why they aren't any good.

Last Thursday I went out for tapas and sangria at Iberico, ate about 20 different things, including rabbit(!), and drank enough to nearly kill me. The occasion was a farewell dinner for a coworker, who was nice enough to give me the alarm clock/CD player that was on her desk. Right now I'm trying to determine the loudest volume level that I can get away with.

On Saturday I bought an air conditioner. Usually, I can suck it up and get by for a few hot days, but with triple digit temps I finally caved in. It's just for our bedroom, for sleeping. Problem was that the airconditioner was so small that we kind of had to improvise to seal off the window around it. There are now several more openings for more house centipedes and long-horned beetles to come in and crawl up my leg. Welcome, insect-overlords. We didn't actually get the thing installed until Sunday evening. Saturday was spent sitting on the couch, sweating, not touching, watching horrible movies on TV and eating fruit and hummus. Cold showers rule, however.

This weekend, or Thursday, actually, I'm hitting the road back up to the land where ten dollars at a bar can get you hammered. My sister's wedding is on Friday, I probably will refrain from stopping it from happening. My hope is for the temperature to be comfortable, considering the ceremony is outside. Hopefully several FFLs will be around for good times on Saturday, we shall see.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Touche

I guess soccer isn't too boring sometimes. Any sporting event I watch in the next couple months that doesn't involve a ridiculous headbutt is going to be yawn-city.

Today a bunch of people at work were organizing an "MLB Home Run Derby" office pool. It involved eight people picking a random name out of a hat (well, probably not a hat, literally). I did not partake. First off, doing something so random is just ridiculous. It would be like ten people each throwing in five bucks, assigning themselves numbers from one to ten, and then rolling a ten-sided die to determine the winner. Not that I have a ten-sided die, or even know what one is. Secondly, I stupidly did this last year, in an attempt to feel like one of the gang most likely, and I picked Pittsburgh Pirate Jason Bay, who hit the exact same number of home runs that I did in eighth-grade softball (zero).

EDIT: That Zidane link seems to only work sometimes. He is headbutting the Leaning Tower of Pisa back into upright position. It is awesome.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Word Jumble

There's a lot of disorganized things floating around, so I'm going to have to do this bullet point stizz.

- On the 4th I went to a cookout which seemed to be organized by the hostess for the sole purpose of acquiring beer. I was having a music-related conversation with someone. At one point, he said, and I'm paraphrasing here: "So pretty much all during the 1980s, with Reagan in the white house, all the music changed into being all happy and poppy all the time, because there were no problems for anyone to complain about." I wasn't exactly struck speechless. He's still alive by the way, though very badly burnt.

- Our Great National Nightmare is Over! FFL Nate is back from his long hiatus, and promises to update his blog 4 times a week, thanks to my brilliantly-conceived petition. By the way, if you don't know Nate, he is a fine gentleman who looks exactly like a young Donal Logue. It's uncanny.

- In the past week three of my favorite coworkers (and, therefore, three of my best friends in town) are officially on their way out the door. One voluntary, two involuntarily. Plus my 'assistant' is leaving as well, and apparently is not going to be replaced. Did I ever mention how much work sucks before? Well, now it's going to get worse. Are there any record stores in the city who offer 401(k)'s???

- Middle eastern food is great! Let's throw in food from Nepal and India as well. And yes, I know that is a pretty broad area of real estate, but it seems that food from any of these countries can all be combined and mixed up together on one plate, Thanksgiving style. I live within baseball throwing distance from Sultan's Market in the W.P., which is one of my new favorite places in the hood.

- Some people have little pics of albums on the sides of their blogs, or sometimes books or DVDs as well, saying basically 'this is what i'd listening to/reading/watching and you should to, if you fucking know what is good for you, and by the way, I'm so much more cool than you could ever be.' Well, I'm no longer smart enough to accomplish something like that, but I can tell you, olde-fashionede texte stylee:

Listening:
-Lots and lots of deerhoof, especially The Runners Four and Reveille. Even though the former came out last October, I may put it on my best of '06 CD. Yes, it feels wrong, but oh so right.
-The Pipettes. They can't sing and the album is poorly produced, but you can tell by listening that they look cute in polka-dot dresses.
-The new Sonic Youth, obvs. Also every other album of theirs (all 16(?) of them) that I have.
-The Boredoms. Yup, I'm just that hardcore.
-The Beta Band. High Fidelity (the movie) reference aside, The 3 EPs is fucking golden.
-Pavement, Wowee Zowee. Still only my 4th fav pave album, but double-disc reissue coming this year, getting excited. (and, wowee, it looks like amazon is having a cheap pavement sale). By the way, saying this is my 4th favorite pavement album is like saying someone is your 4th favorite child.
-Everything Sleater-Kinney, to mourn their passing.

Watching, via Netflix:
-Walk the Line. Kind of sucked, pretty much EXACTLY what you expect. I do plan on reading J. Cash's autobiography soon, however.
-Manhattan. Haven't seen in ages. Not Annie Hall, but pretty fucking classic.
-Seven Samurai. Best three and a half hour movie I've ever seen?
-Angel, Season One, Disc 1 and 2. Eh? Hopefully it gets better. Though episode 8 did make M cry.
-Hustle and Flow. Better than I expected. Avoided all stereotypes. Recommended.

Reading:
-White Noise, Don DeLillo. Small enough to carry on the train, big enough to blow your mind.
-Gravity's Rainbow, Thomas Pinchon. Haven't started yet, just bought this week at Quimby's.
-The Better of McSweeney's, Vol 1. Just picked this back up today. Very good.

Wow, that was self-indulgent, huh? Let's move on.

- More evidence that I am an alcoholic: I combined Scotch with Coke (I call it CocaMacCola) and it was mostly horrible. But a week later, I had it again. Bad times.

- Last weekend I bought an exercise bike. Assembling it was my exercise for the first week. Rode it today hardcore for the first time: I am incredibly out of shape, despite having to walk everywhere.

- Veronica Mars got robbed by the Emmy noms. But that's what awards do, right? Crush dreams.

- Uh, I don't really have much of a big-time closer. Make up something good in your head.

Look Ma, No Hands

I've watched more soccer during the nearly completed World Cup than my entire previous 27 years combined. That's still not very much, about the same total as any given Sunday during the upcoming futbol americano season (by the way, am I delusional by thinking that the Packers have a decent shot to win their division or what?). Some of this was helped by having several co-workers who were obsessed to the point of boring everyone at lunch for a good month before the thing started. I'm usually in the a) Make goals bigger OR b) Smaller goal, no goalkeeper camp, but that's mostly due to ignorance of the sport. Since I've been baptized in the unsanitary foreign waters of soccer this year, however, I feel qualified to give some more opinions.

Ways to improve World Cup Soccer:

1. No Flopping. For a sport whose most common criticism in this country is "It's too boring," the last thing we need is countless whistles for questionable fouls (we already have the NBA for that, cough, dallaswasrobbed, cough, cough). Red and Yellow cards are so subjective that every one of them can be argued. Only award them when a player kicks another in the groin (Red Card!) or in the face (Yellow!). Eliminate fouls by at least 70%, everything that looks like they're going for the ball should be fine. We've seen far too many Oscar-caliber performances where a dude who's been running around for two hours straight falls down, rolls over three times, then clutches at their chest where their heart should be, but alas, it has been stolen by the opposing player, Temple of Doom style, only with his feet. Then they jump off of the stretcher when they are halfway off the field. These people should be Red Carded, every time. Nothing hurts that much. They should also be kicked in the groin.

2. No Penalty kicks to decide a tie. This is just stupid. Considering that someone being good at shooting/defending penalty kicks is the EXACT same level of skill as someone being good at Rock, Paper, Scissors, this is no way to decide a match of such importance that the losers, if they happen to live in certain South American countries, will likely be murdered in a parking garage a month later. We can keep the 30 minutes of extra time, but after that it is sudden death until someone scores. They do this during the hockey playoffs. So come on soccer, are you really worse than hockey? That is like being worse than syphilis.

3. Improve TV coverage. Sure, I like the fact that unlike all American sports, there are zero commercials or timeouts, but I would appreciate at least some footage of the crowds during these things. You know there is constant fighting and near riots, plus a few shots of hot Brazilian women couldn't hurt. Have you ever seen a Cubs game on TV? It goes like this: a) shot of Cubs pitcher scowling b) Dusty Baker scowling c) fratty Cubs fan scowling d) Hot Girl e) Hot Girl f) Hot Girl g) the pitch f) Hot Girl scowling. I'd much rather look at a hot Swedish soccer fan than another girl who lives in Lincoln Park and drives an SUV.

4. No offsides penalties. This is just stupid on every level.

5a. Make the goals bigger
OR
5b. Smaller goal, no goalie.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Burn, Don't Freeze

Thinking back to my Sonic Youth-inspired post of a couple weeks ago, I wonder what the influence of married couples within bands has to do within longevity. Sonic Youth has one, obviously. So do a couple other long-running bands, Yo La Tengo and Stereolab are the first examples that come to my mind. YLT and Stereolab might be a record or two past their primes (as I thought SY was a few months ago) but they have all had long careers making consistently good albums. Considering that most people, including myself, imagine working with their mate as being too much of a good thing, I kind of find this hard to believe. But it seems to work in the rock and roll sense. I've had a couple old girlfriends who were in bands, and I at the time wanted nothing more than to be on stage and play tambourine in the background.

Speaking of bands, I was crushed two days ago when I heard that Sleater-Kinney had broken up. Though I don't think they've ever reached 'Number One Band of the Moment' status in my head, they've always hovered around the top five to ten. Six great albums, continuous musical growth, a great live show, what more could you want. From the post riot grrl pop of Dig Me Out to the political screeds of One Beat to the epic bombast of last year's The Woods, they have cemented their place in music history. Their second-to-last ever concert is the first day of lollapalooza, I'm debating whether it's worth the 75 or so dollars or whatever for the one day pass, since I'm being forced to miss the next two days. If you haven't heard much of them, or only have heard a few songs from my Best of '02 and '05 CDs, please give them a shot. I know I gave a big speech about how it's better to burn out than fade away, and this seems like the perfect time for S-K to do just that, but it doesn't make it any easier to take.

Speaking of things ending too soon, I've created a petition to bring back naterohan.com. Half my hits were coming from there anyway. Obviously I made a spelling error, it should be 'enlighten' instead of 'enlighted'.

Speaking of spelling, I watched the National Spelling Bee Finals a few weeks ago. Awesome job by everyone; glad the Canadian girl didn't win, though it was very odd when she was whistled for a foul on Dwayne Wade in the last round. I remember back when I was in eighth grade, my last year of spelling bee eligibility. I fucked up in my school's spelling bee. I spelled illustrated as i-l-l-a-s-t-r-a-t-e-d like a fucking idiot. Obviously I wouldn't have made it past the regionals, thanks to one now-married FFL (friend-for-life), but still. I even was a recent subscriber to Sports Illustrated magazine at the time. I choked, plain and simple, but at least I didn't mess up on an easy word like antipyretic. That would have been embarrassing for sure.

In other news: Last weekend the Intonation Festival was great, I never realized that I'd enjoy hip-hop acts live so much, especially in such a non-threatening environment (aka 97% white). Ghostface, Rhymefest, the Streets, and Lupe Fiasco were all awesome. Jon Brion stole the show with his multi-layered solo act, however. I also spent fifty dollars on beers. The weekend before I was in Madison, WI, where the drinks are cheap, and I found out I can still pass as a student with my 1997 student ID, even though I had a worse haircut than at present, if that is possible.

expletive deleted

Some days I bring my "A" game, the world is my oyster and I am king. Today was not one of those days. I don't like to complain, I prefer the silent sulking method.

But:

At lunch today I saw a bunch of people leaving for the day. I was informed that they were all going to the Cubs/Brewers game; sitting in the executive box and entertaining a couple clients. This sort of thing happens once in awhile, I usually resign myself in thinking that I'm not executive-important enough to be invited along.

But:

1. I knew several clients had cancelled, meaning extra tickets were available.
2. The Cubs were playing my #1 favorite baseball squadron, the Milwaukee Brewers, which nearly everyone knows.
3. One of the people invited along was the brand new intern, who a) doesn't care much about baseball b) is here for two months and then never working here or in our entire industry again, and c) has already been taken out for three lunches and now the fucking baseball game despite he's only been here for six days, while yours truly in 17 months has reaped the corporate rewards of exactly two beers and a trip to Ft. Wayne, IN. He's better looking, 5 years younger, and much friendlier than I (obviously), so maybe he deserves it.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in full sulk mode, listening to Bob Uecker over the interweb calling the Brew-Crews 5-4 victory. A brief half-hour milkshake run in the 5th inning as the only exception. I also closed some businessy-type deals that would've made fucking Alec Baldwin circa Glengarry Glen Ross proud.

I went home, decided to get a haircut, just a trim, to make myself presentable for my sister's wedding in a few weeks. I waited a solid 35 minutes, then clearly explained to the hair-cutter-person what I wanted.

But:

Apparently when I said "thin out and texturize the back and sides with a razor-comb" is was interpreted as 'grab a electric shaver and buzz off six inches of hair, but make sure you do enough damage that it's not possible to salvage my dignity by neither keeping the rest long or cutting everything short' . I was left with a cool haircut from perhaps 15 years ago, long all over except the back and sides, except the long hair is long enough to hang over and hide the back and sides, looking semi-normal until the breeze from an air-conditioning vent blows. NO, fuck it, I can't even properly describe it. It looks weird and horrible, especially from the back. Nearly ten months of avoided hair-care professionals, now I know why.

However, I got the haircut for free, since it was so fucking bad. Hooray me!

2 glasses of scotch down, how many left to go?

Friday, June 09, 2006

Confusion is Next


I'm always been an advocate of the theory that it's better to burn out than fade away. The Rolling Stones, Woody Allen, Elvis Costello, Tom Wolfe, David Bowie, R.E.M., Martin Scorsese, U2, Bob Dylan, add some more to the list. All should have quit while they were ahead. That's the reason everyone still loves the Beatles, because we weren't subjected to The Beatles Do Disco! in 1977. The best thing that ever happened to Led Zeppelin was their drummer choking on his own vomit, and they were already pushing the limits. Granted there may be rare exceptions, but most of these are manufactured by fans and the press, i.e. a five-star review of the latest Rolling Stones album.

It's hard to blame the artists, really. They need to make a living. And, unfortunately, their fans, aging rapidly themselves, can never simply walk away. Why would the middle-aged Stones fan spurn A Bigger Bang in order to buy the Arctic Monkey's LP instead? If a Rolling Stones' fan admits that they no longer are able to make a great album (This is something they should have realized in 1973), do they not also realize their own mortality? Not to mention the artists themselves; I'm sure that within six months of the Stones breaking up for good (which won't happen by the way, without a band member's death) that at least two of them will die. Maybe this is the problem, that we can never fully admit that younger people can do it better. I'm at the age now in which every pro athlete in the first 5 years of their career is younger than I, which is kind of a hard fact to accept. As a teenager, I could always look at the athletes, and musicians and filmmakers and authors for that matter, and think, wow, maybe in a few years I'll be able to do something like that. As time went on, it was more "Wow, he directed his first feature at 23, I only have two years left." Now, it's: "Damn, I need to buy more nacho cheese, I'm out again."

Anyway, I'll admit that this theory can be clouded by the fact that we are always searching for the next big thing (and by 'we' I mean people who haven't simply given up on new music/literature/art and have chosen a closed-off existence in 1991 or 1987 or 1968 or whenever), and originality is often confused with greatness. Likewise, artists who change with the times are often accused of pandering (which no doubt is sometimes the case) with electronic blips and freshly frosted tips.

But let's go back to music, can you think of any band or artist which released their best album more than ten years after they started? The only clear example I'm sure of is The Flaming Lips' The Soft Bulletin (released in 1999, a solid 15 years after their inception), otherwise I'm at a loss. There are some that come right at the cutoff mark, but nothing definitive. The pursuit of greatness is something that cannot be sustained over a long time period, but is too appealing to stop trying.

The reason I've been thinking about all this lately is that the new Sonic Youth album is fucking great. Probably not 'their best album ever' great, but great nonetheless. It's called Rather Ripped and will be in stores on Tuesday. Am I just being naive? Am I as bad as the people I've described above? Sonic Youth always seemed on a different level than most bands, because even though they were never famous (except for a brief semi-famous period in the early-to-mid 90s (they were on an episode of the Simpsons after all: Thurston Moore: Aw, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon.)), but they always managed to pay the mortgage and avoid the factors that could break up a band or cause it to pander. Between the summers of 1998 and 1999 I bought every album they had released up to that point. Enjoyed all of them, some more than others, agreed with most critics that their mid to late 80s run was their peak. The 90s stuff was good, but there were always certain songs that never quite clicked. And, of course, they were never great singers or lyricists. But they continued to self-release experimental EPs and hold captive a devoted fanbase. I continued to buy their new records. NYC Ghosts + Flowers was mostly bad, and I was prepared to put them out to pasture, but they critically rebounded with their next two albums, which perhaps top anything they put out in the decade prior. This alone is cause for alarm. And the new album, it's nothing different except a bit catchier, perhaps their last offering of relatively mainstream fare (coinciding with the last album on their major label record contract) before they firmly shut the door on the masses that never accepted them. But the band members' ages are, as of today, 53, 50, 47, and 43. My parents are 54 and 52. This is old. Can you think of any 50-year-olds you wouldn't mind hanging out with, not to mention any who you would feel self-consciously uncool around?

Like I said, perhaps I'm just being naive here. But maybe Sonic Youth found magic alien pods in their swimming pool. Maybe they alone have the secret, or maybe just have been lucky. I'm not sure, but it doesn't seem natural.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

A Cinderella Story...

Just finished watching Jim Jarmusch's Broken Flowers, starring Bill Murray. Good movie, I was very proud to hear one of my favorite songs, "There is an End," by The Greenhornes ft. Holly Golightly on vocals, used in both the beginning and end credits.

Near the end of the movie, Bill Murray runs. He runs about 40 yards or so, maybe less. Bill Murray, 55 years old, who in his recent resurgence, from Rushmore to Lost in Translation to The Life Aquatic to now, has always played a morose static figure who can only wistfully think about his life gone by so quickly.

Bill Murray can run faster than me. I can't even walk from the train station to my office without my knee giving out at least once.

Monday, June 05, 2006

We need a moat. A moat of fire... filled with fire-proof crocodiles

As a simple man (IQ of 73) who enjoys simple pleasures (bourbon on the rocks, loud music, post-modern art, potato chips), it doesn't take much for me to have a relaxing weekend. But usually I end up trudging to work Monday morning feeling that I left certain exciting stones unturned, that the two hours I spent playing RBI Baseball on my computer wasn't the best use of free time. Well, this past weekend wasn't like that. Here's a summary:

Friday night: ran to the store for groceries, then made satisfactory tuna steaks for dinner. Went with a friend to see Tapes 'n Tapes w/Cold War Kids (verdict = meh) at the Abbey, had a few beers afterwards, took train home, ate potato chips and watched the second half of Annie Hall.

Saturday morning: got up relatively early and took a bus to go to the Choke Garage Sale. Spent exactly $5 to buy about 25 CDs and 10 7"s. I've heard of about five of these (Marble Valley, anyone?) but the rest were choosen based on band name or album cover. Lots of punk rock, I think, but I haven't listened to any yet, since I've also bought 7 other CDs (that I've heard of) in the past week.

Then: dropped off bag of records at home and took train downtown to Printer's Row Book Fair. Caught Dave Eggers. Returned home.

Afternoon: ate pizza, watched Cubs/Cardinals, read on the porch, slightly dozed off while listening to music.

Evening: met coworker for drinks in the neighborhood, watched basketball game, out until 1 (including being at a place with a "Rescue 911" pinball machine), then home for an alcohol-soaking meal of stove top stuffing and Super Mario Bros 3.

Sunday: took train/bus to Hyde Park to meet M (who has been working all weekend), went to 57th street art fair, left with a new painting. Then the rest of the day I did nothing, and went to sleep before 11 for the first time in a month. If that's not excitement, I don't know what is.

Next weekend will hopefully be even better, as out of town guests will be here to amuse me. I'll try to get all my sleeping in during the week.