Poorly Written Film Reviews

Cool Hand Luke
In this movie, a famous spaghetti sauce maker gets the shit beat out of him many times, but finally atones for it by winning an egg-eating contest. After singing a song about Jesus, he invents a delicious Italian Dressing but doesn't get rich because all profits go to charity.

Mullholland Drive
I admit I fell asleep during this one, but I remember it involved midgets and Billy Ray Cyrus. Upon waking, I saw lots of girl-on-girl action, and then the movie ends with Cyrus winning a dramatic line-dancing contest.

The Passion of the Christ
Super-Hott masochistic thriller about a hippie who is stripped naked and whipped and beaten for two solid hours. Unfortunately, the movie is subtitled (lame!) but I still give it 3 and a half erect penises out of four.