I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
The subject above is a quote from a Jay-Z song, if you have been under a rock.
Anyway, here we go:
1. My car is a piece of crap. I can't drive it for more than 30 feet without expecting it to die. In august I'm actually moving farther away from work, so i'll put on nearly 30 miles everyday, plus I have to go to my hometown and chicago occasionally, so I'm really gonna be pushing my luck.
2. The apartment gets too hot in the summer.
3. And it's above a bar, where bands play 3-4 nights a week
4. I found a dead, squashed rat in the parking lot yesterday, I parked next to it and nearly stepped on it.
5. I don't have health insurance.
6. I have insanely problematic knees. Last week in chicago suddenly i couldn't straighten my leg for about 15 hours. Then it seemed OK.
7. I don't have dental insurance, and haven't been to a dentist in 2.5 years. I keep feeling massive tooth decay. I'm going to look like Austin Powers soon.
8. I have two new roommates who make me feel like a stranger in my own apartment.
9. Aside from working constantly, and running errands and paying bills, I've got nothing much to do (hence this list on a saturday night)
10. My classical guitar hasn't had strings for two and a half years.
11. I still don't know how to drive stick and feel vaguely emasculated by this.
12. At work, at about 3 in the afternoon my eyes feel like they're going to fall out of their sockets.
13. Since I've been working late, I've been eating lunch late, and by myself, which makes me feel kind of lame.
14. I hate getting referred to as 'the temp' within my department.
15. Why the fuck did Pavement have to break up?
16. Why does Owen Wilson, an obviously talented man, appear in so many shitty movies?
17. It's annoying that my parents act like robots programmed to be nice all the time when they are around my girlfriend.
18. I wish I'd talk to my sister more often.
19. I got a fancy digital camera for Christmas but haven't used it in over a month.
20. I still haven't bought seasons 5 and 6 of Buffy the vampire slayer.
21. I still haven't written a story longer than 20 pages since I've graduated college.
22. I have to do laundry at a Laundromat, and every time i can't find enough quarters, or even one or fives to put into the change machine.
23. I own an iron, but not an ironing board, and I feel that i look like a hobo at work sometimes.
24. I do not photograph well.
25. I need a better stereo, tv, and dvd player.
26. I've started losing my hair.
27. I'm not nearly as well-read as I pretend to be.
28. I'm never able to eat a big breakfast when I wake up, and then I'm hungry two hours later.
29. I found out yesterday that I suck at bocci-ball. A lot.
30. I have terrible eyesight, and need new glasses and contacts.
31. I can never seem to make myself buy fresh vegetables when I go shopping.
32. Why the fuck did Devin Harris have to turn pro?
33. I'm not saving up as much money as I'd hoped.
34. I need a haircut, but am waiting until before the wedding I have to be in.
35. Network TV blows.
36. Pasta is so cheap, but a container of pesto is like 4 dollars.
37. This list was a horrible idea.
38. Why couldn't have been, like, 37 problems?
39. Or even 50, that would have been manageable.
40. And my girlfriends off limits, but I could probably think of 25 things right there.
41. And I'm hungry, and tired of this.
42. I never seem to finish any ambitious project I start.
43. Ok, fuck it, I'm done.
2 comments:
pickin up the torch
44. i live in a run down shithouse and have no immediate oppurtunity to live any place better
45. my car makes a loud squealing noise every time i start it
46. i can't keep a girlfriend for longer than a month and haven't even tried for 2 years. 2 years!
47. why the fuck didn't i just take the extra year of spanish in high school and go to UW?
48. the brewers will still not make the playoffs this year.
49. i sometimes get treated like a stranger by people i used to know well
50. i still haven't bought 'to the 5 boroughs'
51. i had to look up on the internet how to spell boroughs
52. my right thumb shakes and twitches like i have parkinsons whenever by blood flow to that arm is contricted, such as resting it on a table's edge.
53. i watch too much tv
54. i'm fat, as a result
55. whenever i think about eternity, whether in heaven, hell, or some other form of existence, i get extremely depressed trying to comprehend what that would be like and the only thing that eases my anxioty is the idea that when i die, my existence will simply cease to be.
56. today after class i went to mcdonals and had two cheesburgers, a fry and a coke. at 10:00pm
57. i cant even think of 15 problems and nick somehow did 43.
58. fuck this, i'm done too.
oh, I thought of some more:
59. Another fuse just blew in my apartment tonite. I had to go to home depot to get more.
60. Shirts don't fit me right, i'm thin and have long arms, so they're either too baggy or too short at the sleeves.
61. I have no money. Last week I worked 60 hours and I have 13 dollars in my pocket.
62. Dude, why you gonna buy 'to the five boroughs'? You don't even have Ill Communication or Check your Head.
63. People, he's been dead two and a half weeks already. He's been halfway out the door for years. Raise the flags back up to the top of the flagpoles.
64. Sales tax in Chicago is 8.5%
65. I need a new pair of track shoes. My $11 ones have held up almost a year and a half.
66. Why do i have an ab-roller sitting in my room? oh yeah, to throw dirty clothes on!
67. Why can't you grab the stripper's ass when she's giving you a lap dance?
68. My George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine is a Bitch to Clean.
69. I don't have a dishwasher.
70. Why are there millions of people (in America, no where else) who can say "yeah, that george w. isn't that bad of a guy"?
71. And I don't just mean CEOs or card-carrying NRA nutbags or people who bomb abortion clinics, I mean seemingly normal, everyday people.
72. Do these people read newspapers or magazines, and what in God's name goes through their heads?
73. Is America just made up of self-righteous, bigoted, greedy, sadistic, mildly-retarded motherfuckers who want one of their own to be president?
74. Well, call me an idealist, call me a romantic, but I say no.
75. There's gotta be some kind of mind control shit going on.
76. Anyway, I'll move on, someone from the homeland security task force just shot me in the leg.
77. There's blood all over my carpet.
78. ...pause for applause...
79. Mary-Kate Olson just admitted having an eating disorder. And I thought she was the hot one. Put two and two together, kids.
80. Healthy food is the most expensive food. Only rich people can afford to be slim.
81. Hey, nate, you should read "fast food nation". It'll turn you off of mcdonalds forever. Or at least see 'super size me', if you are too lazy to turn heavy paper pages.
82. I'm nearly out of hair gel.
83. Why have I been cursed with a horrible singing voice?
84. uh, this list was such a bad idea.
85. uh, I don't own an attractive lamp.
86. I'm out of the good salad dressing.
87. I haven't washed my car since Oct 10, 2003 (which was the last 'first date' i've been on)
88. I do not yet have an heir to my throne.
89. today at work: worst... papercut... ever.
90. What do you get when you put together a concert tour with cheap tickets featuring the likes of the flaming lips, sonic youth, morrissey, and the fucking pixies? Yup, a cancelled tour. Should've just had Sonic Youth + Justin Timberlake.
91. Califlower. Yuck.
92. I'm not sleeping enough.
93. Why does everyone hate playing for the packers lately?
94. What's up with the Grammy/Oscar voters?
95. Why can't Wes Anderson make a movie every year instead of every 3?
96. Why can't they release 'Pickpocket' and 'A Man Escaped' on DVD?
97. Fucking cops. Always on my ass.
98. Why is it so difficult to find a decent housekeeper?
99. Why don't we have teleporters yet? Or at least flying cars? C'mon, people, it's fucking 2004 already.
Whoo-hah, got you all in check!
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